As a single mom. Olga Ivanova. Single mother: evil fate or conscious choice? Pros and cons of a dash on a birth certificate

Every woman has the right to happiness. To be loved and desired in the eyes of a man, tender and understanding in a relationship with a child. But, alas, life sometimes makes its own adjustments. All that remains of the ideal family model is zilch. Single mother: how to raise a happy child?

Every year there are more and more single-parent families. There are women who give birth “for themselves,” and there are those who had to go through a separation from the child’s father. A single mother has to spin like a squirrel in a wheel: to be a breadwinner and educator, mentor and best friend of her child.

“Every day is the same: dress, put on shoes, feed, send the child to kindergarten or school, meet, take to the club, pick up, sit down and learn lessons. Late in the evening, put me to bed and then...pass out myself. And all this without the support of anyone! How I just want to relax!”

The daily routine of most single mothers is drawn up as if from a carbon copy. There is a catastrophic lack of time and energy to implement the things planned for the day. It’s as if problems are multiplying like a snowball, leading to deterioration of mood and complete frustration. This is where you need to stop! Accept as a fact that life is unpredictable, and the fact that you are alone now does not equal a tragedy. Some events in life can still be influenced, others can no longer be influenced.

Try to change what you can and accept what you cannot change. The role of mother and father will still have to be borne on fragile shoulders, it is important to do it correctly: in the interests of the child and with self-esteem.

Don't try to embrace the immensity!

No matter how hard she tries, a mother cannot be perfect. Avoiding mistakes in parenting is, as a rule, unrealistic. Allow yourself to make mistakes sometimes, and don’t reproach yourself for “pedagogical” mistakes. The earth is turning, life is in full swing, tune in to the positive!

What line of behavior should you choose towards your child? – The most common question of a single mother at an appointment with a psychologist. Aesculapians of the soul advise sticking to the “golden mean” - the behavior style of a single mother should not be too “feminine” or deliberately “masculine”. What do you mean?

A purely feminine position

The first typical mistake in raising a child is a purely feminine position. In fact, this is manifested by hydroprotection in relation to one’s child, numerous prohibitions with the motivation “no matter what happens,” and fanatical pity for the child without the slightest reason. The consequence of such upbringing is the growing member of society being spoiled, unadapted to life and lacking independence. He is used to being perceived as the center of the Universe and behaves accordingly. Is it any wonder then that the child grew up to be an egoist?

Deliberately masculine position

The second common mistake in parenting is when a mother becomes overly involved in the male role. Her favorite technique is acting from a position of strength. Such a mother is authoritarian, sometimes cruel and uncompromising. Trying to achieve “respect” at any cost does not lead to anything good. The child perceives this model of behavior of the person closest to him as a lack of love. Maternal “dislike” results in increased anxiety and excessive infantilism of the growing offspring. The development of an antisocial behavior pattern with claims of aggression is likely.

What to do?

Psychologists advise not to offer a child a “single” position in life as the only correct one. Don't be dramatic and focus on fully realizing yourself as a mother. Be feminine, sympathetic, loving, gentle and caring!

If your son is growing up

Your main task is to teach your child to take responsibility, make decisions, and provide you with all possible assistance in business. It is important to let him understand that mom may be weak, but, nevertheless, she is able to take care of herself. Mom may have a personal life, and the appearance of a man in it is quite likely.

Observe moderation, do not transfer the entire arsenal of romantic feelings inherent in nature to the boy. Otherwise, you risk raising a “mama’s boy.” And even more so, you should not see your son as a “replacement” for a man - he will not always be “yours”; leave him the right to personal happiness in your family.

If you are raising a daughter

In raising your daughter, the main thing that is required of you is to help the girl build a naturally normal model of behavior in relation to the opposite sex. To do this, you should not avoid male society. A girl needs to learn to be friends with boys and girls, to behave equally freely with both.

Praise and support from representatives of the stronger sex is a must. For this reason, a girl’s life must have at least one significant male figure who will show her participation and attention. She could be a brother, grandfather or even a teacher. This is the only way to raise a true woman, potentially ready for love. In a different scenario, it is possible to repeat the fate of a single mother, develop a fear of intimacy with a man (both moral and physical), and be unable to build trusting relationships with the opposite sex. Don’t raise your daughter in isolation, let her understand that there are many worthy men around, you just have to look around!

3 tips for happiness

Raising a child alone has its positive sides. This is the unity of rules and requirements, as well as the absence of disagreements and disputes that a child in a complete family can witness. This is also an undeniable chance to succeed and find happiness in motherhood. To be a successful mother, follow these guidelines:

Be confident! You, as a mother, will have to make all the most important decisions regarding the child yourself. Trust your intuition and believe in your strength! And if you are plagued by doubts, you can always turn to loved ones or relevant specialists for help and support.

Smile! A child whose parent looks at the world with optimism and often smiles is more likely to perceive difficulties.

Strive for perfection! No matter how hard it is for you, no matter what problems you have to face, always remember your self-esteem. Try to look good and be a role model for your child.

Life is wonderful! Be happy!

In most cases, the definition of “single mother” means a woman whose father is not indicated in the child’s documents (or is indicated according to her words). Additional federal and regional types of government assistance for this category of recipients are not very extensive. However, single mothers can count on all the same types of assistance from the state that parents from two-parent families are entitled to.

According to statistics, in Russia the number of women raising a child alone is close to 30%. Some people decide to “give birth for themselves,” others see the futility of a relationship with a man or simply cannot influence the decision of the father of the unborn child to be one family, deciding not to indicate the father on the birth certificate (not to mention the many cases when it is simply impossible to force the biological father to recognize the child as his own without a trial).

Often, many women deliberately choose to obtain the status of a single parent in order to be able to raise a child without regard to the biological father. And sometimes the benefits of this approach are more tangible than the possibility of obtaining the right to.

Attention

For such women there are special benefits and benefits, although there are not too many of them. The full list of payments and provided types of assistance to single mothers for each specific region must be clarified with the social protection authorities at the place of residence.

So, what benefits, benefits and other types of government assistance can single mothers count on in 2019, what is this legal status?

Single mother status in Russia

When determining rights to social benefits A single mother can be considered a woman whose father is not included in the child’s birth certificate or is included according to her words. Other signs used:

• a joint application to establish paternity was not submitted when registering the baby at the registry office;
• paternity has not been established through the court based on the available evidence (including the results of DNA testing), there is no positive court decision on this matter;
• a child was given birth to by an unmarried woman, when the “presumption of paternity” could be applied to the spouse in accordance with Part 2 of Art. 58 RF IC.

Thus, a single mother is a woman with a child who, according to documents, does not have a father.

Attention

A single woman raising a child without a husband is generally understood under the term “incomplete family.” If the child formally has a father, the mother can no longer be considered lonely, even if the father does not help her raise the child in any way and has completely disappeared from their life.

Definition of a single mother according to the law 2019

As of 2019, there is a legal definition of a single mother that covers on the field of labor law, however, it does not apply to the opportunity to receive social benefits. This definition is given in paragraph 28 of the Resolution of the Plenum of the Supreme Court of the Russian Federation No. 1 of January 28, 2014. “On the application of legislation regulating the labor of women, persons with family responsibilities and minors”.

That is, in labor law, a single mother will also be considered a woman whose husband (child’s father) has died, been deprived of rights, etc. She will be able to count on benefits that relate to. For example, benefits in case of staff reduction, shortened work schedule. But social assistance is provided to single mothers only if the child does not have a father at all.

Who is considered a single mother (examples)

It is believed that if a child has an identified father, a woman cannot be considered a single mother, even if the man does not participate in any way in the child’s life and does not care for him. After all, there are ways provided by law to force him to do this - for example, through the courts.

The table below shows 10 common examples life situations that will help figure out whether a woman can be considered a single mother for the purpose of providing additional social support measures.

In fact, when determining whether a woman is a single mother in order to obtain the right to payments and benefits, it is worth starting from whether the child has a father according to documents, and not from whether the mother has a husband.

Attention

If a child is born in marriage (or within 300 days after its dissolution), his mother’s husband is registered as his father, regardless of whether the man is the biological father or not - until the contrary is proven through the court through the procedure of challenging paternity.

Pros and cons of recognizing a woman as a single mother

The decision to “have a child for yourself” largely determines the future of both the woman and her children. Many mothers do not even realize what they will have to face in a given situation. However, in addition to the difficulties, the status of a single mother is associated with the paperwork procedure in some life circumstances.

Sometimes registry office employees themselves advise a single woman to do nothing at all when receiving a child’s birth certificate. do not write in the “father” column, and this makes some sense. After all, according to the law, even a formal (fictitious) father has the same rights and responsibilities over the child as the mother. For example, when going on vacation abroad, a notarized permission from such a “father” may be required so that the child can travel. There are many other situations of a similar nature.

Pros of being a single mother

Unfortunately, a woman does not always end up in a place of her own free will. But if she has a choice: whether to ask the child’s father for recognition of paternity or not to insist, she should understand some of the intricacies of this state of affairs.

What are the advantages has a single mother compared to one who does not want such a status for herself?

• It is possible to get benefits for single mothers: tax, labor, some benefits at school and in kindergarten for the child. Although they are not very large, it is better than nothing at all.
• When applying for benefits for single mothers, it is not required reference that the father did not receive the payment. This is of great importance when a man is not eager to take any information and meet a woman halfway.
• Complete freedom in control of movements child. For example, you do not need the father's permission to take a child abroad.
  Many women whose ex-husband or child’s father is “on the run” or simply does not allow them to take the child even to a neighboring country to visit relatives (for competitions, on vacation), suffer greatly from the inability to manage this situation on their own (alone).
• The consent of the second parent registered at a different address is not required for the child registered at the mother's registered address. Also when designing different certificates and benefits you won’t need an extract from dad’s house register, there will be less bureaucratic red tape.
• The consent of the formal father is not required if the woman’s new husband decides adopt her child.
• There's no chance that the formal father will sue child (at least until he proves his paternity through the court).
• In the future, the child himself will be deprived of any obligations in relation to the biological father (support and care in old age, pay alimony). Of course, this is a dubious virtue in social and moral terms, but it also needs to be taken into account when making a decision.

Disadvantages of recognizing a woman as a single mother

In Russia, due to established stereotypes, public opinion often condemns women who decide to have a baby alone. There is an opinion that “even if he is bad, the father will be in the testimony.” Therefore, of course, in addition to the advantages, a single woman will also experience disadvantages from the absence of a second parent. And the point is not only that the father will not provide for the child financially, help in upbringing and share the burdens.

Disadvantages of being a single mom:

However, if a relationship with a man does not develop even before the baby is born, then it is logical not to get involved with a person with whom it will be difficult to come to an agreement if it is necessary to make any joint decisions about the fate of the child.

Attention

Sometimes independence in the life of a woman and child is more important than the right to alimony, potential inheritance and other benefits associated with having a “father” in life. Especially if a man initially does not want to recognize himself as such.

What a single mother is entitled to from the state

Unfortunately, as of 2019, for women raising children without the help of a second parent, there are no special additional payments for pregnancy, childbirth and raising a child. In some regions of the Russian Federation, there are regional types of financial assistance for single mothers. In fact, this area of ​​social support is left to local authorities (regions and local government).

Whenever possible, the state tries to help women raising children without the help of a second parent. There are not many types of help, but they exist. From what will be useful in practice:

• cash benefits from the state for a child - the same for everyone - federal and, depending on the region of residence - regional;

What child benefits are available in 2019?

Single mothers are entitled to the same benefits as parents from two-parent families. In addition to federal benefits, which are the same throughout the country, in 2019, in many regions there are local payments for single people:

• most often they have a targeted or targeted purpose: for students, low-income people, for the purchase of food or a school uniform for a student;
• Low-income single mothers are also often paid a higher regional child benefit (monthly, quarterly).

The payments listed below are due to all women(regardless of their employment status), however, the procedure for registering them as a single mother is slightly different (usually towards simplification). In addition, for working people and those raising two, three or more children, there are other types of assistance. The conditions for their registration will be considered in more detail separately.

Payments to a single mother at the birth of a child

In 2018, the benefit amount is RUB 16,350.33 It is paid for each child born without any additional conditions and is issued strictly within 6 months. after the baby is born.

Attention

In general, this benefit can be applied for by any of the parents - accordingly, at the birth of a baby from a single woman, only she can receive the money. The peculiarity of the design is that it is not required certificate from the second parent about non-receipt benefits. But instead, Form No. 25 will be needed if it has not yet been submitted to the employer.

There are also regional benefits and other types of assistance. In some regions, single people with children are given vouchers to sanatoriums, priority rights to admission to kindergarten and other preferences.

Can a single mother apply for child support?

If a single woman is faced with the issue of collecting alimony, she will have to go through the procedure of establishing paternity. Only after its successful completion does the woman have the right to payments from the child’s father. It is worth considering that the new father acquires not only responsibilities towards the child, but also rights. He may demand to see the child, and when preparing any documents with a notary or when the child travels abroad, the man’s consent will be required.

The paternity of a child whose parents are not married can be recognized by a man voluntarily(when registering a child at the registry office) or in court.

• The initiator of the lawsuit may be the mother or biological father, as well as another interested person (guardian or person who is dependent on the child).
• You can go to court regardless of age the latter, however, in relation to an adult, the procedure is allowed only with his consent (Part 4 of Article 48 of the RF IC).

Methods for establishing paternity through court:

• witness statements, material evidence (joint photos and others);
• genetic fingerprinting (the same DNA test that is carried out at the plaintiff’s expense).

Together with the claim to establish paternity, it is usually filed simultaneously claim for alimony. In most cases, the court takes the mother’s side.

Attention

Alimony must be assigned from the date the claim is filed in court, since in general for the past time, alimony is not collected, if the plaintiff did not take measures to obtain them (in this case, maintenance for the child can be recovered no more than 3 years).

Given that the amounts of child support are usually very small, the mother should consider whether the procedure for establishing paternity makes sense, and whether it will cause more problems than benefits. After all, after the court decision, the woman stops being a single mother forever.

Alimony for a single mother from the state

In 2014, bill No. 489583-6 was submitted to the State Duma for consideration. In the press, it was presented as a document that would provide children of single mothers with payments from the state if the father evades alimony (including being wanted and his location is not known even to bailiffs).

• In fact, he proposed establishing guarantees for children of divorced parents or those who formally have a father (from whom child support cannot be recovered due to a number of objective circumstances). In the strict sense, single mothers have nothing to do with this at all - their children are not entitled to child support at all until paternity is established.
• The document also proposes to install minimum alimony amount, equal to the subsistence minimum.

Be that as it may, as of the beginning of 2018, this document is still under consideration, which may take place already

The number of single-parent families in the Russian Federation is growing, and usually the mother remains the only breadwinner for children. For monetary assistance, she turns to the state to receive benefits and benefits that are established by law for single mothers.

How to obtain single mother status in 2020 is of interest to many women, since they have benefits in almost all areas of life. There is Federal Law No. 81 of May 19, 1995 “On state benefits for citizens with children”; it regulates the basic benefits and payments that parents, including single mothers, can apply for.

Who can get single mother status?

Who is considered a single mother in the Russian Federation? It can be called a woman whose father is not registered in the document about the birth of a child.

Other signs:

• the paternity of a particular citizen has not been established in court, on the basis of evidence, especially the results of DNA testing, that is, there is no judicial determination on this issue;
• more than 300 days have passed since the divorce between the spouses;
• there is no statement from both parents during the procedure for registering a newborn at the registry office;
• a woman who carried out the procedure for adopting a child, at this time, without being in a marital union;
• children appeared to a woman who, at the time of their birth, was not in a registered marriage union.

Attention! Many people mistakenly believe that if a woman divorced the father of her children, then she can legally be considered a single mother; this is not so. When she was left alone with the children as a result of a divorce, it means that a certain person is listed in the paternity section of the children's birth documents. And this factor no longer gives the right to call her a single mother, even if the father, after the divorce, does not take part in raising the children.

When registering a child with the civil registry office, the woman is issued a certificate in form No. 25, which confirms that the mother is the only parent.

The surname of such children is assigned to the mother's, and in the father column, at the woman's request, a dash is entered or the information she provides is written down.

Important! If the certificate was not issued on the day the children were registered, the woman has the right to apply for it on any day. Employees, having received all the documents, are required to issue a certificate even after the lapse of time.

Legislative consolidation of status

As of 2020, there is no definition of a single mother in the law.

There is a definition of a person with family responsibilities and a single parent raising a child on their own. These concepts are enshrined in the Resolution of the Plenum of the Supreme Court of the Russian Federation of 2014, which regulates the work of persons with family responsibilities raising young children on their own. The main signs of the status of a single mother, according to the above document:

• the presence of responsibilities for the upbringing and development of the child;
• providing actual child care;
• the father died, was deprived of parental rights, had limited parental rights, was declared missing, and incompetent.

Attention! Legally, the definition of a single mother is applied only in the field of labor law; it does not allow a woman to receive social benefits.

The key point for using benefits in the field of labor law for mothers is that she alone raises, educates, and feeds her children. She doesn't even need to have an ID to enjoy these privileges.

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In 2020, the Labor Code provides many benefits for single mothers. For example, when reducing the number of employees, it has an advantage, and there are also many incentives and benefits when organizing the working day.

Who cannot apply for status

Women who are not eligible to receive this status:

• if she was left alone after the divorce, the father is recorded in the corresponding column in the birth certificate;
• the paternity of the children was established in court or voluntarily;
• the child appeared before the expiration of 300 days from the date of divorce or other circumstances, for example, the death of a spouse (Part 2 of Article 48 of the Family Code of Russia).

Procedure for obtaining status

Receiving benefits for single mothers in 2020 in the Russian Federation is more profitable and easier than trying to establish paternity and seeking to formalize child support obligations for the father.

How to obtain single mother status? Some believe that receiving a certificate in Form No. 25 is already the basis for recognizing such status, but everything is not so simple.

To assign the status of a single mother and receive her benefits and other payments, you need to contact the social protection department or MFC with a certain list of documents. A certificate in form No. 25 will only be confirmation that a woman can be classified as a single mother.

Do you need information on this issue? and our lawyers will contact you shortly.

Required documents

To obtain the status of a single mother, you need to contact the department of social protection of the population or the MFC for registration with a certain list of documents. Such documents include:

• a statement written by a woman demanding that she receive this status;
• children's birth certificates;
• the applicant's passport or other identification document;
• a certificate stating that the child lives with his mother, and not with his father or another person (can be ordered at the passport office);
• documents indicating the applicant’s income for the last three months preceding the date of application;
• a certificate in form No. 25, a decision of a judicial authority or another document confirming the fact that this person belongs to the category of single mothers;
• documents confirming the presence/absence of other family income (certificates from school/kindergarten);
• account details for transferring benefits;
• documents confirming the absence of a father in children.

After submitting documents to obtain single status, she will have to wait for the decision of the authority’s employees, which they must make no later than 10 days from the date of their receipt.

If the applicant’s request receives a positive response, a certificate will be issued that will confirm the rights of a single mother.

Denial of the right to receive benefits

When submitting documents, it is not always possible to receive a positive response.

If, after reviewing the documents, the answer is negative, then a notification will be sent in which the refusal will be clearly justified. Employees have no right to refuse without explanation. Such a decision, according to the legislation of the Russian Federation, can be appealed in court if there are grounds for this.

A woman’s status as a single mother can be removed in the following cases:

• when she got married and her new husband adopted her children;
• if the documentation that a single mother submitted to the social security authorities to apply for benefits contains false information.

Pros and cons of acquiring single mother status

In addition to receiving benefits and benefits from the state, a woman who has registered the status of a single mother may notice the emergence of positive or negative aspects when making certain transactions or completing documentation.

This may concern both herself and her minor child.

Pros of becoming a single mother

• receiving benefits in many areas: labor relations, social;
• free movement of children. For example, there is no need to obtain permission from the father for the child to travel abroad. Such a problem always arises between parents, even despite the fact that the father, not wanting to participate in upbringing, simply does not allow him to go to another country, due to tense relations with his mother;
• if the mother’s new husband wants to adopt a child, the consent of the biological father will not be required;
• the father will have no rights to support his child in his old age.

Attention! This is a very controversial topic in the Russian Federation, but there are quite a lot of cases where a man made demands on his adult child regarding his maintenance. This cannot be called fair, since he himself did not take part in the upbringing and did not help his child with money.

Negative aspects in acquiring status

• a woman does not have the right to sue for alimony until the man officially recognizes the child as his own. If this happens, the single mother’s status will be removed and she will no longer be able to qualify for payments from the state.
• children are deprived of the right to inherit property from their father and his close relatives.

Attention! In the Russian Federation in 2020, the benefits, although not great, are there. A woman who has received the status of a single mother can always apply for them. To do this, you need to fill out all the documents and receive a certificate certifying this fact.

Currently, in the Russian Federation the attitude towards single mothers is no longer the same as before. If previously it was believed that there would be at least some kind of father, now such opinions are becoming less and less common. A mother should always consider the interests of the child, and obtaining single status will help when registering him for kindergarten and will make it easier to resolve other issues.

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Video about what a single mother is entitled to by law.

March 17, 2017, 05:24 Oct 5, 2019 00:08

“I can do everything myself” is a worthy, but dangerous position. Since it turns out that you are now the only adult who is always “on duty,” one day this may end in psychological burnout and a nervous breakdown. Remember the rule “First put the oxygen mask on yourself, and then on the child” - and act. Don't be shy to ask your friends for help: sometimes a simple conversation can be a good support. Assess your resources: it may be worth delegating some of the responsibility to the child’s father, involving grandparents (on both sides) in the care, or hiring a nanny.

MOMS SPEAK

Tatyana Murzina:“I can do it myself” has been my credo for several years. I can incorporate a superhero into myself and get a strange but satisfying feeling from it. Apparently that's why I play around sometimes. Gradually I began to learn to ask for help."

Elena Andreeva:“When you work and you have two children who are sick, study, want a million different things, to be honest, there’s simply no time to think about the fact that you might be weak. I thought like this: “When there is a person you can trust, then and relax.” That’s exactly what happened later.”

Olga Semenova:“You have to do a lot yourself. But more often my question was not about refusing help, but about the fact that there was nowhere to get it from. For example, I had to get up very early, take my child to kindergarten 30 km away, and after work, rush to pick it up.”

Anna Kachurovskaya:“I have two children, and when the three of us found ourselves, it seemed that nothing would change - after all, there was a nanny, strength, work and money. But this did not save us. Raising children without a second adult turned out to be very, very difficult. Especially emotionally. The fact is that in our society, where every second family is single-parent, there is no respect or sympathy for a woman with children. Everyone thinks: “It’s a common story, she has something to complain about, so we must learn to feel sorry for ourselves, but not.” too much so as not to lie face to the wall. I have two rules: firstly, take care of yourself, this is the same oxygen mask, and secondly, remember that it doesn’t matter at all whether you have the strength or not - you have to get up. and go to school or wherever you have to go."

2. YOU DECIDED TO FOCUS ONLY ON THE CHILD

Or maybe devote your whole life to him - although, of course, you don’t say this out loud. Firstly, this is fraught with problems in the future: to be for someone the center of the universe and the only reason to live is an unbearable burden even for an adult, not to mention a child. Secondly, where are the guarantees that many years later you won’t tell your son or daughter something like: “I gave you everything, and you...”?

MOMS SPEAK

Tatiana:“Until my son went to second grade, it was like this: work, home, all the time with my son. I didn’t understand: if I can do everything, then why does everything become a little bit worse? I was determined to change everything. I felt that this path was wrong, and together with a psychologist, another was found.”

Olga:“Honestly, I always considered this position stupid and short-sighted, so I did not suffer from such nonsense. It is known that happy children grow up with happy mothers. Another thing is “the two of us feel good,” I don’t see anything bad in that. Yes, I am very much she worked, got into debt, got out as best she could, but she didn’t sacrifice her life for the child.”

3. YOU FEEL GUILTY

For example, for ruining a child’s life - because because of your decision to divorce, he is growing up in an incomplete family, and this, of course, will negatively affect his psyche, development and destiny. Or because communication with dad now takes place on a complex schedule. Or because you are looking for a new relationship because you want to be happy again. But guilt is a bad assistant in parenting, and the child will quickly understand how easily a guilty mother can be manipulated.

MOMS SPEAK

Tatiana:“It is impossible to catch and turn off the feeling of guilt in time. I constantly think that I have ruined, and continue to ruin my son’s life. I didn’t do homework with him, didn’t watch a movie together, didn’t read, didn’t hug him.”

Elena:“I was tormented by the thought that for the sake of the children it was necessary not only to live with their father, but also to pretend that everything was fine with us.”

Olga:“Yes, unfortunately, the feeling of guilt remains. Even in the case when the decision to divorce was not yours. It seemed to me that my mistakes ruined my daughter’s life. It was I who married the wrong man, behaved incorrectly during the divorce, and so on. Other children spend time with mom and dad, but my daughter and I go everywhere together..."

Anna:“Only mothers who are not at all reflective do not feel guilty: they didn’t have time here, they didn’t read there. Those who live with a second adult also have a feeling of guilt. I decided for myself that there are things that I cannot influence. For example, I don’t have time to read to my children every day before bed. I also scream when my patience runs out. Surely they will have complaints against me in adolescence. I can’t change this; when they grow up, they will solve these issues with a psychoanalyst.”

4. YOU MAKE YOUR CHILD YOUR MAIN FRIEND AND PARTNER

You are left alone, and it seems to you that your son or daughter is already old enough to understand you. You discuss your emotions and problems with your child as equals, including financial ones, and share your worries and fears with him. In fact, you turn him into a “substitute” for your partner. But in order for the world to remain stable and safe for a child, the roles in it must be clearly and clearly distributed: there are adults, there are children.

MOMS SPEAK

Tatiana:“When my son grew up, I certainly had to truthfully answer his questions, for example, why we couldn’t afford a new car, popcorn at the cinema and other things that were available to his friends and classmates. One winter we went to the cinema early in the morning - tickets are cheaper. It was dark, Stepan didn’t understand at first why I was waking him up so early, he asked - we have a plane? We got to the cinema, bought tickets for small change from Stepa’s piggy bank and were the only spectators in the hall. My son felt it and understands now. that you don’t need to buy everything.”

Olga:“I know that some people do this, especially if the children are already quite old. I avoided such a fate; my life together with my daughter lasted from her birth until she was 8 years old. I was never tempted to share problems with a little girl who has a lot of her own , including with health."

Anna:“There are children, there are adults, but we live one life. These are my children, we discuss their problems, I talk about mine at the top. Otherwise, what kind of family are we?”

5. YOU AVOID THE QUESTION “WHERE IS DADDY?”

Or you react very emotionally to it. The more secrecy, the sooner the child will feel your tension, confusion, or the pain and resentment from the separation that has not yet subsided. Are you worried about what your son or daughter will do in kindergarten or school when the question of dad comes up? Nothing special, today the situation “parents live separately” is absolutely commonplace. Don't avoid questions! It is enough for the child to say: “Daddy has his own house” or “Daddy doesn’t live with us now.” With a child over 7 years old, you can already talk about this topic in more detail: maybe you were married, but then decided to go your own way or never lived with your dad at all. Be sure to clarify that you both love the child, it’s just how life turned out. The calmer you are about the situation, the more natural the child will perceive it. Families can be very different: a man and a woman without children, a mother, a father and children, a father, children and grandmother, a mother and children. The two of you are a family, small, but completely complete.

MOMS SPEAK

Tatiana: “I have always honestly explained and continue to explain, dad lives separately, because our story - mine and his - is over. And to the son’s question, “Why did it start then?” - answered: “So that you turn out - and your dad and I did it very well.”

Olga: “My daughter’s dad lived separately almost from the very beginning of her life, and the situation when she meets her dad on Sundays was familiar to her. The questions started much later, around 9-10″.

6. YOU SPEAK NEGATIVELY ABOUT THE CHILD'S FATHER

The fact that you broke up (and why you did it) is entirely your business, the adults’, and there is no need for the child to know who offended whom and with what. The more constructive and friendly your communication with your ex-spouse is, the calmer and more prosperous your child’s life will be. So bury the hatchet, never sort things out in the presence of a child and try, firstly, to come to an agreement, and, secondly, discuss all the terrible qualities of the father with your friends, or better yet, with a psychologist. And the child will grow up and figure everything out on his own, rest assured.

Mothers say

Tatiana:“I always ask my son to call, write to dad, invite him to visit. I tell him how much he resembles his dad in some way. In short, only good things about dad.”

Elena:“Everyone’s family is different, here we have a “small, but very complete family,” I tell my son when he doesn’t want to have dinner with me, but wants to run away to his room. It is difficult for any offended woman to show such generosity as not to betray her resentment with either her tone or her gaze when communicating with a child on this topic. I think the solution is to give out as much good as possible that you can tell him about dad during quiet periods of life and communication.”

7. You give up your personal life.

How can you do anything else other than parenting, because now your life belongs to the child? Sometimes grandmothers also add fuel to the fire, rating your maternal qualities as a C and regularly directing you, a good-for-nothing, to be true. But in order to have enough energy, it is important to restore it in time (and have sources for restoration). So work at a job you love, meet friends, play sports and hobbies, and the more satisfied you feel with your life, the more strength you will have to love your child.

Mothers say

Elena:“It’s funny when a single mother goes dancing and doesn’t run home after work to see her baby’s face while he’s still awake. I am sincerely outraged by this advice!”

Olga:“I didn’t give up my personal life, I had and still have wonderful friends. When my daughter was one year old, I started ballroom dancing and devoted several wonderful years to this activity. Another thing is that I was more attentive to who and how I communicate. A child sometimes makes you see from the outside what you are doing and who is next to you.”

8. You avoid communicating with “two-parent” families.

Perhaps because you are afraid of feeling sad or awkward, or because the child will feel uncomfortable. But you shouldn’t think that now you should be friends exclusively with “comrades in misfortune.” On the contrary, a wide social circle will expand the boundaries of your world and give your child the opportunity to see a wide variety of behavior patterns. The calmer you perceive the existence of your small family as the norm, the less doubts your child will have.

Mothers say

Olga:“Yes, it was really painful at times. Of course, we talked with friends, but when I saw with what eyes my daughter looked at dads playing with children, it hurt me.”

9. You are in a hurry to start a family again: you urgently need a new husband, and your children need a new dad.

And this time you won’t repeat the mistakes you made earlier - everything will be different! Psychologists are sure: if you hurry, it will definitely not be “different”, and for a child, a series of “mother’s friends” can only become another trauma. And, on the contrary, if you allow yourself to live without a relationship for some time, the chance of building new, more successful ones is much higher. By giving yourself enough time, you will better understand your desires and needs, find out what kind of relationship you need and what you are willing to invest in it. Yes, the criteria for choosing a life partner will now be different, more strict: it is important that your chosen one can find a common language with the child. But that will be a completely different story.

Mothers say

Tatiana:“No one is immune from mistakes. I’m not in a hurry to search, and in general, as it turned out, my haste does not speed up any of my processes. Of course, I would be happy to meet my man: a partner, a father to a son, my love. Even if it’s happens very late, then I hope he will find contact with my already grown son and, perhaps, will not be against adoption.”

Elena:“It’s better for mom and baby when mom is happy. I don't understand the happiness that comes from conscious loneliness. You need to look for a husband, make it a plan, but not intrusively, but wisely and thoughtfully. Thinking that everyone should feel good about it.”

Olga:“It’s definitely necessary to live unmarried. I got married for the second time eight years later, and it was a decision based, among other things, on the choice of my daughter. I didn’t want to get married as soon as possible after a divorce. On the contrary, in the first years I learned to flirt again , go on dates. At some point, I completely abandoned the idea of ​​​​a new marriage, but then life decided everything for me.”