Simple rules for getting a person to talk, psychology. How to learn to have interesting conversations, even with complete strangers. Useful word games

A person lives in society, therefore the topic interpersonal communication is relevant. Each individual meets others every day at work, school, or in line at the store. But what about those who are closed and do not know how to build communication, how to properly address a stranger? Few people want to live alone, and it’s impossible to completely isolate yourself in the city. Therefore, it is necessary to look for ways to overcome shyness, closedness and get along with people.

In what areas is communication needed?

All people living in the same society, one way or another, encounter each other and exchange some information. Communication involves not only the exchange of interests and experience, but also short-term contact with a person regarding the provision of a service, the purchase of a product, and so on. Which requires more or less developed skills of interaction with others.

So, communication is realized in the following areas:

Family;
Child-parent;
Serving;
Worker when establishing business contacts;
Upon employment;
Trade.

Even if you are sure that you will live without society, making do with a minimum of contacts with others, and there is no need to develop communication skills - this is a delusion. Properly structured interaction will lead to successful results.

Another issue is the need for communication. In psychology it is considered to be one of the basic ones. A developing personality will be unhappy if he does not devote at least a little time to this factor. In addition, if you learn to organize your communication and use rules, then getting your message across will become easier and faster.

Instructions from Carnegie

This section covers the very rules by following which you will communicate more effectively with people. American psychologist Dale Carnegie came up with several postulates that gained popularity at the beginning of the 20th century and have not lost their relevance to this day.

Here are 6 basic rules for building communication.

First rule: sincere interest in another

Every person is convinced that he is unique and the only one in the world. It is worth considering this when communicating with another person. Show interest, and your friend will open up and appear in a new capacity. Communication will be much more effective when you listen to others with attention.

Second rule: smile.

A person with a smile on his face is initially more attractive and arouses sympathy than a dejected one. People tend to prefer the positive over the negative. A smile is conducive to pleasant communication.

Third rule: Do not forget that calling a person by name is doing him a favor.

Conclusion

We found out in what ways you can learn to communicate more effectively and what rules to follow. And then you will master real art. It is important to remember that training is useful both in front of a webcam and in front of a mirror. It’s also a good idea to record and listen to yourself from the outside. Which will help you both hear the shortcomings and learn about the merits of your speech.

It is quite natural that at first we perceive only the external behavior of people and follow their words. But by understanding the communication process from the inside, from all its sides, we discover both the hidden motives of a person and the true message of what he wants to convey.

Develop your horizons, study more literature and educational programs. Take notes and evaluate yourself objectively, feel free to make adjustments, and strive for excellence. Of course, do not forget about practice - communication with real people. Only new acquaintances will allow you to truly improve your communication skills and master the acquired theory in action.

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There is an opinion that it is impossible to teach a person to communicate. Like, the ability to talk with people is some kind of genetically inherent ability: either it’s given or it’s not given. But in recent years psychologists actively refute this stereotype and boldly declare: communication is exactly the same skill as dancing, singing or cooking. And just like in developing any skill, there are certain exercises to practice.

We are in website Today we have collected for you 8 unusual exercises that can make even the shyest introvert talkative. These are not just exercises to improve speech, but a whole range of activities that help you learn to think during a conversation and build an exciting dialogue.

1. Retelling

For what: You learn to think and speak at the same time. The connection between thinking and speech is strengthened.

How to do it: Open your favorite blog, find any article, select 2-3 paragraphs from it. Read them and retell them out loud to yourself. Then - the next few paragraphs, and so on until the end of the article.

Exercise duration: Depends on the length of the article. You need to retell 1 article per day.

2. Continuation of someone else's thought

For what: You learn to look for non-standard solutions and develop flexibility of thinking.

How to do it: Turn on the TV or any video on the Internet. Listen to the speaker for 30 seconds, then turn off the sound and develop his idea for 30 seconds.

Exercise duration: 5–10 minutes a day.

3. The mystery of Lewis Carroll

For what: Break your own stereotypes, habits of thinking in a certain way.

How to do it: The riddle that Carroll came up with is: “How is a raven like a table?” The exercise is built on its basis. It is advisable to do it together, so as not to juggle more “convenient” items. One calls any word, the other calls any other word, between them you insert a question: “How are they similar?” It turns out something like “How is a closet like a rabbit?” Sit and look for options.

Exercise duration: It's worth starting with 10 pairs.

4. Lecture to anyone about anything

For what: By retrieving non-applicable information from your memory, you train your memory. Make your thinking process more flexible.

How to do it: The exercise is performed together. You choose any object from those that surround you and tell your interlocutor about it. How did he appear? Why is it important on a human scale? What is it used for here in this room? With regular practice, you'll soon be able to give an hour-long lecture about an eraser, a chair, or a cabinet door.

Exercise duration: Start with 5 minutes.

5. Dialogue with the mirror

For what: You observe yourself from the outside, learn to speak coherently about your thoughts, and establish contact with yourself.

How to do it: The task is to look at yourself in the mirror, fish out any thought from your mind and develop it out loud. That is, you go to the mirror, start thinking and talking about what you think. Move smoothly from thought to thought, connecting them with each other. After some time, you will begin to have a coherent and sincere story about what is running through your head.

Exercise duration: 10 minutes a couple of times a week.

6. Talking with your mouth full

For what: Instant improvement of diction before a speech.

How to do it: There is different options. You can put a regular spoon on your tongue or a handful of nuts behind your cheeks and try to pronounce the words as clearly as possible.

Exercise duration: 7–10 minutes is enough.

It sounds very simple: say what you mean.
But too often, despite our best intentions, the true meaning of what is being said is lost on our interlocutor. We say one thing and the other person hears something else, resulting in misunderstandings, frustration and conflict.

By , you can learn to communicate with people and express your thoughts more clearly and clearly for the perception of your interlocutor. Whether you're trying to communicate better with your spouse, children, boss, or co-workers, you can improve communication skills that will allow you to significantly improve your rapport with others, build trust and respect, and feel heard and understood.

For success in life, the ability to communicate with people is much more important than having talent.
John Lubbock

What is effective communication?

Communication is more than just sharing information. It's about understanding what emotional message and meaning lies in this information. Effective communication is also a two-way interaction. It is not only how you convey a message that is received and understood in the way you intended, but also how you listen to fully understand what is being said and make the other person feel heard and understood. .

Effective communication involves more than just the words used in conversation - it is a whole set of skills, including nonverbal communication, the ability to listen carefully, control yourself, communicate with self-confidence and the ability to recognize and understand your emotions and those of the person with whom you are communicating.

Effective communication is the glue that will help you deepen your connections with others and improve teamwork and normalize shared decision-making and problem-solving. It even allows you to send negative or unpleasant messages without creating conflict or breaking trust.

Even though effective ways communication with people can be learned, nevertheless, their spontaneous acquisition from life experience, and not in the process of action according to templates. A speech that is sight-read, for example, rarely has the same effect as a speech delivered spontaneously, or at least appears to do so. Of course, it takes time and effort to develop these skills and become an effective communicator. The more effort and practice you put in, the more instinctive and effortless your communication skills will become.

The easiest way for me to communicate is with ten thousand people. The hardest thing is with one.
Joan Baez

What can you do to learn how to conduct a conversation with a person correctly:

Take your time - take time for personal communication.
Agree that it is normal to disagree with something.
Make sure you don't hold your breath.
Listen before you speak, even if you don't agree with what you hear.
Take a time out when you are already too stressed.

Barriers to effective interpersonal communication

Stress and uncontrollable emotion

When you are nervous or unable to cope with your emotions, you are likely to misperceive other people and send confusing or intimidating messages. nonverbal cues and you begin to behave like an unbalanced, mentally ill person. Take a moment to calm down before continuing the conversation.

Lack of attention

You cannot communicate effectively when you are multitasking. If you're daydreaming, checking text messages, or thinking about something else while planning your next response, you'll almost certainly miss nonverbal cues in your conversation. You should always take your life experience into account.

Illogical gestures and facial expressions

Nonverbal communication should support verbal communication without contradicting it. If you say one thing, but your body language says something else, your listener will likely feel that you are being deceitful. For example, you may not be able to say “yes” while shaking your head in denial.

Negative facial expressions

If you don't agree with or like what is being said, you may use negative facial expressions and gestures to express disagreement with the other person's message, such as crossing your arms, avoiding eye contact, or tapping your feet. You don't have to agree or even approve of what is said, but communicate effectively without putting the other person on the defensive; It is very important to avoid sending negative signals.

All our days pass in communication, but the art of communication is the destiny of a few...
Mikhail Vasilievich Lomonosov

4 Key Skills to Improve Communication

Become an interested listener.
Pay attention to nonverbal cues.
Control yourself.
Be confident.

Habit 1: Become an Engaged Listener

People often focus on what they have to say, but effective communication is about talking less and listening more. Listening well means understanding not only the words or information heard, but also the emotions that the speaker is trying to express.

There is a big difference between listening carefully and simply hearing information. When you really listen, when you really engage with what is being said, you will recognize subtle intonations in the speaker's voice that will tell you about how that person is feeling and what emotions they are trying to convey when communicating. When you are an engaged listener, you will not only understand the other person better, you will make them feel heard and understood, and this can be the foundation for building a stronger, more secure relationship between you.

By communicating in this way, you will also learn to calm down and maintain physical well-being and emotional balance. If the person you're talking to is calm, as reflected by, for example, listening carefully to what you're saying, you can also become more calm. Likewise, if a person is anxious, you can help them calm down by listening carefully and making them feel understood.

If your goal is to fully understand and communicate with another person, you will naturally listen carefully. If this is not the case, try the following tips. The more you practice them, the more satisfying and effective your interactions with other people will become.

How do you become an engaged listener?

Focus all your attention on the speaker, his or her body language, tone of voice, and other nonverbal cues coming from that person. Tone of voice conveys emotion, so if you're thinking about something, checking text messages, or doodling on a piece of paper, you'll almost certainly miss the nonverbal cues and emotional content of your words. And if talking man behaves in the same abstract way, you can quickly notice it. If you find it difficult to focus on some speakers, try repeating their words in your head - this will reinforce their message for you and help you stay focused.

Listen with your right ear. The left side of the brain contains the primary processing centers for recognizing speech and emotions. Since the left hemisphere of the brain controls the right side of the body, focusing on the right ear can help you better diagnose the emotional content of what the speaker is saying. Try to keep your posture straight, lower your chin slightly, and turn your right ear towards the speaker - this will help you pick up the high frequencies of human speech, which carry the emotional component of what is being said.

Don't interrupt the speaker or try to shift the conversation to your problems by saying something like, "If you think this is bad, listen to what happened to me." Listening does not mean waiting for your turn to speak again. If you're forming in your head what you're going to say next, you can't concentrate on what the other person is saying. Often the speaker can read your facial expressions and understand that you are thinking about something else.

Show interest in what was said. Periodically nod approvingly, smile at your interlocutor and make sure that your body position is open and conducive to communication. Approvingly encourage the speaker to continue the conversation with small verbal comments like “yes” or “uh-huh.”

Any conversation becomes interesting if the listener is enthusiastic...

Try not to judge. To communicate effectively with someone, you don't have to like them or agree with their ideas, values, or opinions. However, to fully understand a person, you must avoid judging him and refrain from reproaches and criticism. If you conduct even the most complex discussion correctly, you can establish contact with someone with whom mutual understanding seemed very difficult and unlikely to be found.

Give us feedback. If the thread of conversation is interrupted, reproduce what was said in other words. “That's what I hear,” or “It sounds like you're saying that,” are great ways to get the conversation back on track. Do not repeat verbatim what the speaker said, it will sound forced and unintelligent. Instead, express what you understand to be the meaning of the words you heard. Ask questions to clarify things: “What do you mean when you say...” or “Is this what you mean?”

Recognize the emotional content of words by training the muscles of the middle ear

By increasing the muscle tone of the tiny muscles in the middle ear (they are the smallest in the human body), you will be able to recognize higher frequencies of human speech that convey emotion and better understand the true meaning of what people are saying. Developing these tiny muscles isn't just about focusing entirely on what someone is saying; they can be trained by singing, playing wind instruments, and listening to certain types of music (high-frequency Mozart violin concertos and symphonies, for example, instead of low-frequency rock or rap).

Skill 2: Pay attention to nonverbal cues

When we talk about what concerns us, we mostly use nonverbal cues. Nonverbal communication, or body language, includes facial expressions, body movements and gestures, eye contact, body posture, tone of voice, and even muscle tension and breathing. Your look, the way you listen, move and react to another person tell other people more about your condition than the words you say.

Developing the ability to understand and use nonverbal communication can help you communicate with others, express yourself clearly, handle difficult situations, and build better relationships at work and at home.

You can make communication even more effective with open body language: don't cross your arms, stand with an open body position or sit on the edge of your seat, and maintain eye contact with your interlocutor.
You can also use body language to emphasize or reinforce your verbal message—patting a friend on the back to congratulate him on success, for example, or fist bumping to emphasize your message.

Tips to help you better interpret nonverbal communication

Keep in mind that everyone has their own individual characteristics. People from different countries and cultures tend to use a variety of non-verbal communication gestures, so when analyzing body language it is very important to take into account the person's age, cultural background, religion, gender and emotional state. An American teenager, a grieving widow, and an Asian businessman, for example, may use nonverbal cues differently.

Analyze nonverbal signals comprehensively. Don't look for too much meaning in one gesture or nonverbal signal. Consider all nonverbal cues you receive, from eye contact to tone of communication and body movement. Anyone can sometimes make a mistake and look away, for example, and let the eye contact slide, for example, or briefly cross their arms, without implying anything negative. To better understand a person's true thoughts, analyze his nonverbal signals comprehensively.

Use those nonverbal cues that reflect the essence of your words. Nonverbal communication should support verbal communication without contradicting it. If you say one thing, but your body language says something else, your listener will likely feel that you are being deceitful. For example, you may not be able to say “yes” while shaking your head in denial.

Tailor your nonverbal cues based on the context of the conversation and the setting. The tone of your voice, for example, should be different when speaking to a child than when speaking to a group of adults. Also, take into account the emotional state and cultural background of the person you are communicating with.

Use body language to express positive emotions, even if you don't actually feel them. If you're nervous about a situation—a job interview, an important presentation, or a first date, for example—you can show confidence, even if you don't actually feel that way, through positive body language. Instead of hesitantly walking into a room with your head down, looking away and squeezing into your chair, try straightening your shoulders and standing with your head held high, smiling and maintaining eye contact, and giving the person you're talking with a firm handshake. This will make you more confident and help put the other person at ease.

Habit 3: Stay in control

To communicate effectively, you need to be aware of your emotions and control them. And this means learning to cope with stress. When you are nervous or unable to cope with your emotions, you are likely to misperceive other people, send confusing or intimidating nonverbal signals, and begin to act like an unstable, mentally ill person.

How many times have you experienced a disagreement with your spouse, children, boss, friends or co-workers and then said or done something you later regretted? If you can quickly de-stress and calm down, not only will you not have to regret it later, but in many cases you will help the other person cool down as well. Only when you are in a calm, relaxed state will you be able to understand whether you need to respond in this situation or whether it is better to remain silent, as indicated by the behavior of the other person.

In situations such as a job interview, a business presentation, a stressful meeting, or introducing a loved one to, for example, it is very important to manage your emotions, think on your feet, and communicate effectively under pressure. These tips may help:

Stay balanced in a stressful situation

Use stalling tactics to take an extra minute to think. Before answering, ask the question again or ask for clarification of a statement that is causing you confusion.
Pause to collect your thoughts. Remaining silent is not a bad thing; pausing faster than rushing to respond can force you to pull yourself together.

Make one judgment and give an example or provide information that supports your statement. If your response is too long or you ramble on about everything at once, you risk losing the listener's interest. Focus on one statement with an example, look at the listener's reaction and evaluate whether there is something else worth talking about further.

Speak clearly and clearly. In many cases, how you speak can be just as important as what you say. Speak clearly, maintain the same timbre of voice, and make eye contact. Let your body language communicate relaxation and openness.

At the end of your statement, make a short summary and stop. Briefly state the main point your speech and stop talking, even if the room is silent. Don't keep talking to fill the silence.

When a discussion gets heated in the middle of a conversation, you need to do something quickly and immediately to reduce the emotional intensity. Learning how to quickly reduce stress at the moment, even if you know how to cope with any strong emotions you experience, control your feelings and behave rationally. If you know how to keep your mind balanced and engaged, even when something upsetting is happening, you can stay emotionally alert and alert.

Quick Ways to Relieve Stress to Continue Effective Communication

To cope with stress during communication, do the following:

Notice when you get nervous.
If you're nervous while communicating, your body will let you know. Are your muscles or stomach tight and/or sore? Are your hands clenched? Is your breathing shallow? Do you "forget" to breathe? Take a moment to calm down before continuing the conversation or putting it aside.
Ask your mind for “help” and quickly pull yourself together by taking a few deep breaths, squeezing and relaxing your muscles, or, for example, remembering a calming, positive image that evokes positive emotions.
The best way to quickly and reliably reduce stress is to listen to your senses: vision, hearing, touch, taste and smell. But each person reacts differently to sensory sensations, so you need to find what works for you in a calming way.
Look for a drop of humor in the current situation.
If you approach it correctly, humor can be a great way to relieve tension during communication. When you or others start to take things too seriously, find a way to cheer everyone up by telling a joke or a funny story.
Be willing to compromise.
Sometimes, if both you and your interlocutor are able to give in a little, you can find a middle ground that will suit and reassure all parties concerned. If you realize that the subject of the conversation is much more important to the other person than it is to you, it may be easier for you to compromise, while laying a solid foundation for the future relationship.
If necessary, stand by your opinions.
Before returning to the situation, take a break so everyone can calm down. Take a short break and step away from the current situation. Take a walk outside if possible, or meditate for a few minutes. Physical movement or rest in a quiet place to restore inner balance can quickly relieve stress and calm you down.

Habit 4: Be Confident

Openness and self-confidence help build clear rapport, as well as improve self-esteem and make decision-making easier for you. Being confident means expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs openly and honestly while being able to stand up for yourself and respect others. This does NOT mean being hostile, aggressive, or picky. Effective communication is about understanding the other person, not about winning an argument or pushing your opinion on others.

To increase self-confidence:

Value yourself and your abilities. They are just as important as someone else's.
Know your needs and desires. Learn to express them without violating the rights of others.
Express negative thoughts in a positive way. It's okay to be angry, but you also need to show respect for others.
Take comments towards you positively. Accept compliments graciously, learn from your mistakes, ask for help when you need it.
Learn to say no. Know the limits of your patience and don't let others take advantage of you. Look for a way out of the situation so that everyone is happy as a result.

It is much better not to believe in a person, but to be confident in him.
Stanislav Jerzy Lec

Developing positive communication skills

An empathic statement expresses empathy for another person. First understand the other person's situation or feelings, and then confidently express your needs or opinions. "I know you've been very busy at work, but I want you to make time for us too."

Growing self-confidence can be used when your first attempts are unsuccessful. Over time, you become more decisive and assertive: your statement may communicate specific consequences if your needs are not taken into account. For example, "If you do not comply with the agreement, I will be forced to go to court."

Start practicing assertiveness in less risky situations, which will help build your self-confidence. Or ask friends or family if they will let you practice assertiveness techniques on them first.

The basic principles of communication psychology are based on the literary works of researchers of human behavior in society. A number of rules developed by Dale Carnegie back in the 40s are still relevant today.

To correctly construct sentences and produce good impression at your interlocutor, use psychological techniques:

Be interested. Don't yawn or be smart. Show that you sympathize with the person, show interest in his activities.
Evoke positive emotions. Don't hide your smile. Scientists have proven that smiling people are more successful.
Call your friend by name. A personal appeal is a verbal compliment; this shows that the information is intended specifically for the interlocutor.
Be careful. An important quality is the ability not only to hear, but also to listen.
Show respect for your opponent, ask leading questions, be surprised by the facts you hear, and show more emotions.
Find a common theme. Try to win favor with yourself, don’t be shy and withdraw into yourself.
Line up friendly relations with a neighbor, and with a business partner.
Be sincere. Creeping and flattering is not the best move. Fake delight will only alienate your interlocutor. Praise the qualities that you truly admire in a person.

Advice! If you find it difficult to communicate with strangers, practice on the phone.

Lack of visual contact will relieve embarrassment. Call your hairdresser or beauty salon.

Prepare for the conversation in advance, make a list of questions if you get confused during the communication process.

Development of communication skills

The psychology of communication is an art. Even an introvert who keeps to himself can become the life of the party. You just need to know a few “tricks” for building relationships.

Skills and abilities	Development
Observation	Notice the details, monitor the non-verbal behavior of the interlocutor in order to choose a communication style in which you will come to mutual understanding
Memorization	Remember what your friend is talking about. Pay attention to the personal details of his life, hobbies, so that you can casually mention him in a conversation
Erudition	Comprehensive development expands the range of general topics. An erudite person will support any conversation
Understanding	Be sensitive. A person's behavior shows his mood. Exciting emotions can be read from facial expressions. Support and understanding are the key to starting a friendship
Fitness	Communicate every day. Scientists have proven that regular communication increases efficiency and productivity. The more you socialize, the easier it is to find common language with people

Important! Be natural, don't turn the art of communication into acting.

Nonverbal psychology

No matter how interesting the information may be, the owner must competently present its essence. Who will listen to the droning whisper of an uncertain speaker? Behavior and ability to behave in society is what will make others listen to you!

"Language" of the eyes. Get rid of uncertainty, boldly look into the eyes of your interlocutor and show that you are interested in maintaining friendly relations.
A shifty gaze is a sign of disrespect, showing that you are bored.
Facial expressions. Every emotion is reflected on the face. You can even flirt only with the corner of your mouth.
Don't talk about sad things with a smile or positive things with pursed lips. Combine your internal state with your external one.
Gesticulation. Nonverbal behavior is a whole science. Keep your hands at the level of your stomach or hips, crossed palms - this means stiffness and distrust of others.
An open posture subconsciously favors the interlocutor. Learn to be fluent in non-verbal communication techniques.

Advice! Practice in front of the mirror daily. Read poetry, give a speech, or imagine yourself as a teacher.

This training will help you overcome isolation and feel calm when talking with people.

Exercises for free and easy communication with strangers

Contact a psychologist for help if your close social circle is not growing. But there is a way to help overcome shyness at home.

A little training is the beginning of working on yourself:

Monologue out loud. Sit more comfortably, take your favorite children's toy or book. Use your imagination and imagine that the object in your hands is your listener.
This kind of training is not as simple as it seems. Talk about yourself, about your activities, speak beautifully, in coherent sentences.
This exercise will help you structure the train of thoughts in your head and correctly express them out loud.
Dialogue with a stranger. Talk outside. Ask a passerby how to get to the library, check with the seller about the quality of the goods, ask for advice.
Meet someone at a cafe or cinema. This training will eliminate the fear of taking the first step.
Remember the details. After a dialogue with a stranger, remember what he was wearing, what color his eyes and hair were, what the interlocutor said.
Develop long term memory, recall the person's face, style and voice in memory. The exercise trains attentiveness.
Praise. Give compliments, every person has advantages. Find them and admire them out loud. But be sincere, do not forget that falsehood is easy to recognize.

Advice! Watch your speech. Speak clearly and clearly, without hesitation or stuttering.

Top books and literature

Interested? Find out the details from the book. Researchers of human behavior have published numerous works on psychology.

Check out the best literature to help you master your communication skills:

Eric Burn "Games People Play"
Dale Carnegie How to Win Friends and Influence People.
Larry King How to Talk to Anyone, Anytime, Anyhow.
Sigmund Freud "Psychology of masses and analysis of the human self."
Karen Pryor "Don't growl at the dog."

Useful video

What determines the quality of communication?

The quality of communication with others depends on the following skills:

listening, hearing and microhearing;
establishing a trust distance;
clarification ;
finding common interests;
stories about useful incidents or about yourself;
reporting emotionally memorable events;
the use of irony and humor;
maintaining the correct information tempo;
the ability to hold back;
save the face of the interlocutor;
package the conversation and its result.

There are types of art where if there is no skill, then nothing will work (for example, physical wrestling). The joyful point is that in the art of communication, even if these skills have not been acquired, the very moment when a person remembers that “this is the way to do it” will already help.

What is the most important thing in communication?

The main thing in communication is to talk less and listen more. There is nothing new in this. Even in ancient times they said - keep your ears open and your mouth closed.
It is very important to keep the conversation interesting. A conversation where one tells what he knows, and then the other tells what he knows (such alternating monologues) is not a real conversation. Real conversation occurs when a new subtopic emerges from what the other person answered. Then the conversation has unlimited food for itself. And here microhearing plays a big role, which will be discussed later.
It is important to not be withdrawn, but not intrusive either. It is very correct when you talk no longer than the interlocutor wants. You need to say a little less than he wants to hear from you. In addition, any conversation either brings closer or furthers the distance between people. She hesitates within the conversation. And it is very important not to press the distance, not to close the distance when the interlocutor does not want it. In other words, the interlocutor should want to talk to you a little more than you want to talk to him. This correct position. Of course, if two masters meet, then it is impossible for there to be such a gap, only in this case the conversation will be completely equal.
The speaker is the seller, the listener is the buyer. How does the dialogue take place? The seller sold something (said something). Does this mean that the buyer bought what he said? Doesn't mean that. He turned this product over in his hands and can put it back in place. It seems like I heard it, but didn’t take it into account. He may ask a question, ask questions, ask questions, and then NOT buy the product. This is always a big disappointment for the seller - when he explained, told, proved, but his product was never bought. But this means that when the seller sold the goods, he did not feel the buyer. I didn’t feel that he had already made an internal decision - not to buy - and titanic efforts were needed for him to buy. Just as in a market economy the buyer is slightly higher in rank than the seller, so in communication, the listener is slightly higher in rank than the speaker. It also happens the other way around, but in general the situation is exactly like this. For example, there is now a typical picture when elderly man talks to a girl (or sits in a cafe, or walks along the street somewhere) and he talks and talks - it’s clear that he is selling goods. And I feel a little sorry for him, since it’s clear that the girl is looking somewhere with a detached look, she seems to be listening, but it’s clear that she’s not really buying the product. Here is such a scene, it always hurts the eye, because a person tries, but he does not understand the other person.

What role do you most often play in a conversation?

Poll Options are limited because JavaScript is disabled in your browser.

Depends on the interlocutor 26%, 38 votes

I speak and listen equally 10%, 14 votes

07.01.2020

Listening technology

The technique of listening is to really listen and look like a person who is listening to another. Look like you are listening not only for the one who is speaking, but also for other people - otherwise you reduce the rank and image of the speaker. In this technology, you need to remember the following rules.

When listening, you should look at the speaker at least 20% and no more than 80% of the time. Why such percentages? Well, here I believe psychologists. It seems like they did a study and came up with the following theses:
- if the speaker is not interested in the listener, then the listener looks at him less than 20%;
- if the listener is only interested in the personality of the speaker, but not the content of his speech, then the listener looks at him more than 80%. Therefore, within this framework of 20-80 you need to try to keep your attention.
You need to think about the words of your interlocutor. After all, his information is unevenly distributed - some things are more important, others less important. Therefore, if it is clear that for the speaker a certain thesis is something serious, then you need to really think about this thought. And it should be clear that you really thought about it - this is respect for your interlocutor. When a person doesn’t think, it makes a bad impression. Before, when I started consulting, I often answered the question right away. If they ask me something, I answer right away. And then I realized that this was not right. In what sense is it wrong? First, I need to think - maybe I’ll come up with something better. But that's not all. And if I thought, then the person understands that I thought about what he said, and not that I pulled ready-made recipes out of my pocket. Therefore, it is important to think about the words of your interlocutor. Sometimes, even if both are silent, this is not at all bad for conversation.
You need to support the speaker with your facial expressions. This is very important. I often gave interviews and remembered one journalist. She differed from other journalists in that she did not interrupt at all when I spoke. Only with facial expressions - she supported, was surprised, asked again. Such a dialogue, when one speaks and the other supports with facial expressions, I believe that this is a high class of journalism.
There is no need to interrupt the speaker until there is a pause.
Further speaking should be encouraged with interested anticipation. For example, a person paused, and you feel that he still has something to say - don’t rush to speak, take this pause. This is all you need to do to be a good listener. Why is it so important to be a good listener? The fact is that a good listener is much rarer than a good speaker. A good listener is someone who is interested in the speaker. A good listener will talk to any non-talker and extract interesting stories, because he draws food from the conversation itself. It is a higher art to listen well.

Hearing technology

You need to hear everything that is said. This means simply physically hearing. To do this, you must first of all not be distracted. A person is mainly distracted by some kind of visual temptation and distracted by his thoughts. Moreover, he is distracted by his thoughts in different ways. Sometimes it’s simply because the person is talking rather boringly and you don’t want to waste time. But sometimes it’s the other way around - he says something so important that you immediately have your own thought, you want to think about it further and you get distracted, you don’t hear what the person said next. In this case, it is important for the one who is speaking to feel it and give the person a pause to think about some words.
You need to understand what is being said. Not only to hear in the sense that you can repeat what was said, but also to understand what is being said. And this is more difficult - you have to strain, sometimes ask again. You have to pack everything that was said into your head. When you listen, there must also be a parallel process of memorization. A normal person remembers well the essence of what is said if he was able to pack it in his head - compactly, briefly, most importantly, and all this while listening. Therefore, during pauses, you need to compactly retell what you heard, and sometimes even specifically stop the speaker, retell the essence of what was said and get confirmation that you understood everything correctly.

Micro-hearing technology

Micro-hearing technology means that you need to notice hesitations, pauses, voice changes, sighs, slips of the tongue, changes in facial expressions, posture, and sometimes emphasize such little things.

Sometimes you need to ask about identified accents. For example, “why are you so animated when you tell this?” This has twofold benefits. Firstly, the person understands that he was listened to carefully. Secondly, this may push him to some new story - very interesting, and sometimes simply important, from what he did not dare to tell you.
Observe a change in nonverbal behavior - not only facial expressions, but also posture. You need to interpret this for yourself, and sometimes out loud. That is, you need to report your feelings on the behavior of your interlocutor.
Make assumptions about the unsaid.“Perhaps this is because?” It will be easier for you to remember if you expressed a version, but it turned out to be wrong.
You need to consider what is said that is confidential. For yourself, you know what is better to remain a secret. But what is confidential for the interlocutor? Sometimes it’s better to even ask the speaker about it.
It is important to make sure that your retelling better story interlocutor and liked him. When, after the retelling, he said: “Well, yes, actually, that’s how it is,” you need to stop him after these words. The ability to retell is especially important for those involved in management consulting. A person cannot be a consultant if he cannot retell a story about some events or problems better than he was told. He may not tell you in so much detail, but his story should make the main point clearer.

Establishing a confidence distance

It is necessary to establish a trust distance. To do this, you need to correctly build role relationships. Each of us plays many roles in relation to the other. You can be a neighbor, a friend, a bowler, and a creditor. And to establish a trusting distance, you need to choose those roles where the distance between you and the person is closest for conversation. And from there you can continue to act more easily. In addition, there are many roles in the conversation itself - speaker and listener, doubter and prover, etc. And you need to move through the conversation so that the distance becomes closer and closer and becomes as close as it is comfortable for both parties.
Repeat the name of the interlocutor often, but do not overdo it.
Know how to hold back. If we keep our distance well and don’t say something, this motivates the interlocutor to ask questions and close the distance.
The easiest way to bring the distance closer is to talk about childhood. Tell your own stories, ask others’ questions. Why does childhood bring us closer together? Because people are a little afraid of each other, even close people - this is normal, there is always a fear of making some mistake, of being hurt somewhere, of being misunderstood. Therefore, if a person is questioned about current events, he is not sure that he did the right thing and he is responsible for his words and deeds. But he is not responsible for his childhood, and therefore fearlessly talks about his childhood. And this lack of fear of communication, after talking about childhood, may continue.

Stories about yourself

When we talk about ourselves, it is important to maintain a balance between stories about successes and failures. When a person talks only about successes, he looks like a braggart. When he only talks about failures, he looks like a loser. It doesn’t have to be 50/50, but there should be some kind of balance. It is especially valuable when he talks about some embarrassments that are typical for many people. This way you show what conclusions you have drawn, and these conclusions can be useful to many people. The same thing, as a manager, I advise using mistakes made as material for training subordinates. It is also necessary to provide side information in the conversation. useful information, which a person can remember and will come in handy in life. This is especially important in sales. So, the seller may not sell the product, but he can tell some things that a person will remember, retell to others, and this story will be useful for others.

Questioning and interrogation technology

What is the difference between questioning and interrogation? First difference. Questioning is when a person asks the following questions based on what has been said. During interrogations, questions are asked that are in no way related to previous answers. Second difference. The interrogator wants to be told everything, but he himself is not ready to tell anything. He says in his tone, “I won’t tell you why I’m asking this.” Therefore, interrogations should be avoided unless there is a reason for them. And even out of curiosity, still not interrogate, but question. That is, there must be a justified motivation in the questions and the questions must be related to the answers to other questions.
Sometimes you need to use unfinished questions that give you the right to ignore them. For example, when we are not sure how tactfully it will be to ask this or that, we ask the question in an understated way, outline the question, giving the person the right to ignore and move on.
Questions must be asked with information included. That is, in addition to the question, there is a story, some other important information that clarifies it.
We need to move smoothly to more risky and confidential issues. If the person answering the questions is not uncomfortable, we can get much closer. But it's important to remember. If we asked some risky questions and a person answered them, then he sometimes needs to explain to us why he answered those questions that did not need to be answered (or he did not have the right to answer). Therefore, it is very important to give him the opportunity to justify himself in our eyes and in his own eyes, after such answers.
Sometimes we need to ask questions that demonstrate our incompetence. Such questions raise the status of the speaker. In addition, this is useful for us, and the speaker is pleased that he has made us more competent.
Sometimes you need to ask questions to help the speaker tell everything in detail. Often a person is going to tell us something in general, he has no plan to tell us in detail, but if we show with our questions that we have the time and interest to hear the details, then he will be happy to tell them.
There are 2 types of retelling. The first is like a police report. Only facts, without any lyrics, without any “in my opinion”, “it seemed to me”, etc. The second is as a work of art. That's two different types retelling. Ideally, you should own both.
When we talk about ourselves, it is important to remember Oscar Wilde's quote - “The secret of being boring is to tell everything about yourself.”
When you are telling something for a long time, there is no need to ask your interlocutor “Are you interested in what I am telling you?” Who's to say it's not interesting? This question makes sense at the beginning of a conversation, but not in the middle. To really find out if a person is interested, evaluate his behavior. If he starts looking at you less, it means he is losing interest in the story.
It is important to understand that everything you tell can be retold to a third party, and you don’t know who exactly. Or it can be used against you by the same listener when you quarrel with him. This is a very important circumstance. There is no need to succumb to the charm of the moment, so as not to regret it later.

Humor and irony

You should use irony and humor whenever possible. You have to learn this, of course. To learn to joke, you need to make friends with jokers. But, there is an important principle of using humor - men often laugh AT someone, and women TOGETHER with someone. So, for humor to improve relationships, you need to laugh with someone, and not at someone.

Humor can be tested on neutral topics. A good way to use humor is to slightly change the person's statement in a funnier way. In general, humor should be used, but it should be used carefully, as it is a double-edged sword.

Now, when we talk to a person, it is very important to maintain the information rhythm. The fact is that when we speak, we change. If we don't change it, he gets bored. If, on the contrary, we change very intensively - one new thing, then another, a third - then he does not have time to somehow arrange these components in his main picture of the world, and he also becomes bored. Here you need to know when to stop. It is necessary that the picture of the world changes with such a rhythm - something new is said, the interlocutor processes it, and again something new. At the same time, you must remember that when you talk to a mass of people, they need more time to process information, since the reaction speed of people in large numbers is dulled.

Sometimes you need to use short remarks instead of a long story. They give a person more time to think. When talking you need to remember simple thing- You can't be right too many times. One tells what country he was in, another brings up a cooler country, one says that he bought a bag for $500, another immediately beats it with a purchase for $2000. So, you don’t have to constantly interrupt the other with your superiority - either in being right, or in money, or in connections, or in something else. It's annoying.

Also, you need to remember that there is information fatigue. It is important to take breaks, coffee breaks, rest or switch to abstract topics.

Technology and types of non-negotiation

Non-speaking can be like a protest against interruption. Very good way. You are sitting in a group, talking, you started to say something and were interrupted. You start your own - they interrupt again. In this case, you don’t need to interrupt yourself. It’s better to wait to see if someone asks you to continue your words. If no one asks, then it means no one is interested. If someone asks, you continue.
Non-disclosure also happens when everything is already clear.
Failure to say is like a listening test - without finishing one story, you move on to another to evaluate the listener’s reaction.
Non-statement as a test for the acceptability of a topic.
Axiomatic omission - you do not say anything and do not draw any conclusions, and the listener himself makes the conclusion.
Intriguing omission - not saying enough to intrigue.

Ending a conversation

At the end of the conversation, you need to wrap it up - retell what we talked about with the person. Sometimes you hide dangerous places by deliberately not mentioning them when retelling. We need to think about what can be understood in two ways and intend to clarify the correct wording. Also, in the finale, you need to record the pleasantness of the conversation.

Answers to listener questions

How to have a constructive argument with a person who is not ready to perceive someone else’s point of view and becomes aggressive, begins to “attack”, gets personal, etc.?

You need to try to find the weakest statement in his position and start discussing exactly that. Discuss not the most important thing, but some minor thing that he said and begin to dispute it. Because if it is poorly protected, this secondary thing, then it will be difficult for him to go against all logic and a constructive conversation will begin. Or another option is to simply take, repeat his position and ask for confirmation that his position is exactly as we voiced, that it is his personal choice and he is ready to bear responsibility for it. Sometimes people are afraid to take responsibility and the conversation can turn into a constructive direction.

How to competently conduct a dialogue with a person who hears only himself? He is interested in talking and telling only about himself.

That's great. Color him about him, pushing him with your questions in the direction that interests you. In addition, if you move in a direction that is interesting to him, it will probably be interesting to you too.

How to correctly end a conversation that is not interesting?

Can in different ways. If this is a business conversation that is not interesting, then you can say this: “I need to think about your words. You have told me so many important things that I need to think about them.” And thus stop the conversation. Another case is when you need to stop small talk. You can say, “Wait a second, I need to call,” and then leave and won’t come back. This is the most reliable way. In general, to stop a conversation, you need to physically move away from him, under any pretext, more or less decent.

Techniques and techniques to speak without fear. How to express your point of view in a timely manner?

We must separate fear and expression. That is, first express an opinion, and then confirm that this is your personal point of view.

How to neutralize a deliberately aggressive opponent?

We need to talk about his feelings. He probably says why he is aggressive. If he doesn’t say anything, then you need to ask “what upset you” and sympathize with the circumstances that led him to such aggression. It is imperative to give him the opportunity to show the reason for his aggression.

What do you do when they don't hear you?

In this case, it is better to convey the information in writing. This is the most reliable. They can't hear you, but you can write. Making someone listen to the end is difficult, but a person usually reads a written message to the end. Another interesting option express information to another person who is nearby during the dialogue.

How do you know how interesting you are to others?

You will quickly find out how interesting you are to others if you don't communicate with them.

How can you develop a communication skill (or help develop it) if by character, by psychotype, a person is not sociable, an introvert. He can communicate, but does it with great reluctance?

You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot force it to drink. And if you need to learn to communicate yourself, then you just need to communicate. For example, if you go to a store to buy something, set yourself the task of asking a question not only about the product, but also about other topics. When you get into the habit of asking for something extra and overcoming your shyness, you will gradually develop a habit of doing it. Why? Because people on the other side also want to talk, they feel good when they ask, it’s interesting to be useful to a client, a buyer.

How can a manager be an interesting conversationalist for his subordinates? This refers to corporate events and meetings.

What path do managers generally take to be interesting? They tell you things that others don't know. This is a standard leader. So, at a corporate party, he needs to say something and he talks about a fragment that he had not talked about before, and those who are present at the meeting receive additional information. This is a primitive way. Less primitive is to ask questions. Such questions that subordinates are interested in answering. Then he will be an interesting conversationalist. An interesting conversationalist is someone who listens and asks interesting questions.

What to do if children or subordinates at work do not want to develop? What techniques can be used to encourage people to be interesting? Please name the main “role models”.

If a person does not want to develop, the best thing is to set him a task that is difficult for him now, because he has not developed, and encourage him to solve it, help him, and he will develop. The child must be forced, the adult must be encouraged. People don't want to learn because their tasks don't require this knowledge. A person does something for something. A person must understand why he needs it. Don’t believe that “you need this,” but understand that with these skills I can cope with the task, but without them I can’t cope. A person must have an internal need for a specific task, and not for development in general. This is the other extreme, when people want to develop in general. They go to all sorts of courses, but do nothing based on this. If a person has developed, then he can do something that he has not done before.