Husband bullying. How to solve the problem of domestic violence? What to do if an abusive husband abuses you? If a wife abuses her husband

What decision should a wife make if her husband abuses her and is violent towards her? What to do if even the intervention of the police or other authorities or people cannot solve anything? Carry this cross all my life, or leave my husband, but I know that the Bible says that spouses cannot divorce without the reason of adultery?

God hates divorce

When God created man and woman and united them in marriage, divorce was not part of His plan for them. In the book of the prophet Malachi it is written:

The Lord, the God of Israel, says: “I hate divorce and the cruelties that men do. Therefore, preserve your spiritual union and do not deceive your wives.” (Malachi 2:16, Modern Bible Version)

The Bible also tells about another case from which God’s attitude towards divorce is clear:

And the Pharisees came to Him and, tempting Him, said to Him: Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason? He answered and said to them, Have you not read that He who created in the beginning made them male and female? And he said, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh, so that they are no longer two, but one flesh.” So, what God has joined together, let no man separate. (Gospel of Matthew 19:3-6)

God protects the bullied and humiliated victim

People, in their sinful endeavors, rush to condemn the victim and protect the culprit who humiliates and dishonors. One of the examples in modern world, when people shout at the top of their lungs, demanding the abolition of the death penalty for premeditated murder. Thus, they do not think about protecting the innocent victim and doing justice, but undertake to protect the criminal. When the Pharisees came to Jesus Christ, they asked a question without thinking about the condition of a woman left by her husband, but they were looking for excuses for themselves to leave a wife for any reason. This is how their discussion with the Lord Jesus continues:

They say to Him: How did Moses command to give a letter of divorce and divorce her? He says to them: Moses, because of your hardness of heart, allowed you to divorce your wives, but at first it was not so; but I say to you: whoever divorces his wife for reasons other than adultery and marries another commits adultery; and he who marries a divorced woman commits adultery. (Gospel of Matthew 19:7-9)

From the time a woman became the object of violence and humiliation of a man with a hard heart who cannot divorce his wife, God, in order to protect the disenfranchised and humiliated woman, provided a letter of divorce so that she would be free from this humiliated condition. A divorce letter was a document in which it was necessary to write the reason for the divorce so that she could then be taken as a wife by another man. Unfortunately, some people who have never experienced what it means to be the object of violence and humiliation, fights and torture, teach women to remain in this position and endure. As we see, God does not act this way.

Don't be the initiator of divorce

Knowing that God hates divorce in marriage, we should know that He also hates the humiliating treatment of a hard-hearted husband or wife towards his partner. Scripture says the following to married people through the Apostle Paul:

But to those who have entered into marriage, I command not I, but the Lord: the wife should not divorce her husband, but if she divorces, she must remain single, or be reconciled with her husband, and the husband must not leave his wife. (1 Corinthians 7:10-11)

You can’t be the initiator of a divorce, but also...

You can't live with an abusive husband

The marriage covenant was made for the spouses to care for and protect each other, and not to bully or abuse each other in any way. It is very dangerous to live with a husband who uses violence, and it also has a negative impact on children for the rest of their lives, from the moment they witness or are the target of fights and violence. A woman needs to think about her children and look for separate housing if she and her children are subject to violence. Separation and divorce are two different things. Divorce is the breaking of the holy covenant of marriage, and living separately is a necessary measure of protection from the rapist. It is true that this involves struggling with material hardships, hardships, etc., but it will provide the peace and tranquility that everyone needs in our families.

Translation: Moses Natalya

Two common stereotypes: “ all men are assholes" and "all life is waste products of protein organisms, everything women“They are definitely making money on the side in an ancient profession, and the sun is like a low-power flashlight with dead batteries.” It's interesting that when woman dissatisfied husband, then it is limited to the statement that “ all men are assholes" The rest of the world continues to be pleasantly colorful for her. But if a man is dissatisfied with his wife, then all the colors immediately fade for him. Pay attention to the stereotypical statement above. Not only “all women…”, but also life and the sun.

Another common opinion: woman- the suffering party in an unsuccessful marriage, the man is the cause of all misfortunes (the same goat who ate all the cabbage and started butting heads). At the same time, it is recognized that it happens, of course, that the reason for the failure of a marriage is a woman, but still in much fewer cases than a man. It is men who tend to mock women and show sadism both verbally and in the form of banal assault. Women are victims, almost always innocent.

But if you look at this issue more closely, it turns out that bullying of a marriage partner is present not only from men, but equally from women. Just men are much less inclined to admit such things. Much more often they simply remain silent and endure, or go in search of better life. In addition, women usually do without physical measures (although this does happen), preferring verbal battles, blackmail with children or bed, threats to tell the whole world (from mother to boss) about the swinish behavior of their spouse.

Many women in the morning they start the daily show early: the husband got up wrong and sat down wrong, he can’t even drive a nail into the wall or, on the contrary, he only knows how to hammer nails, he has a non-prestigious job with a small salary or, conversely, “what’s the point in everyone this money, if you don’t pay attention to your family?”, he doesn’t pay attention to the problems of the children or, on the contrary, he coddles the children too much, he is a homebody or, on the contrary, he loves going somewhere too much (from the forest to his friends), he has too much many or too few friends, he dresses incorrectly (decent jeans - homeless, a formal suit - too much fuss with washing shirts and ironing trousers), he eats incorrectly (eats everything - unhealthy, picky eater - this is not a restaurant) and so on and so forth.

Some women prefer a different type of debriefing: “I love you so much, but you constantly look (run) to the left!” Moreover, it doesn’t matter where the spouse was looking or running. He could not leave the house at all for a year. But if (save him all in a row!) he suddenly looked at, say, Odnoklassniki and chatted with a former classmate, to whom he gave a briefcase or (horror!) a bouquet of dandelions even in the second grade - that’s all, this is quite enough for a terrible scene of jealousy . The husband is a hero in an intimate sense, and he is immediately accused of the fact that one woman (wife) clearly should not be enough for him, which means he gets his way on the side. The husband does not shine in intimate terms, which means he has already gained money on the side, and his wife has nothing left. And so on, fantasy is limitless, and any action (or inaction) is interpreted in a very specific context.

There are many options for bullying your husband. It is not surprising that many men go home from work as if they were going to hard labor, preferring the “comfort” of home to business trips, extracurricular work, visits to friends, and so on.

One should not think that if the husband’s “education” is carried out exclusively in verbal form, without waving his hands, then this is completely harmless. Depression, vegetative-vascular dystonia, heart attacks, strokes, peptic ulcers, gastritis and many other diseases are a consequence of the daily “and you again...”, “why are you...”, “all husbands are like husbands, but I...” and so on .

But, as in the case of women (“Husband bullying: what to do and who is to blame?”), let’s see – who is to blame for the current situation?

Dear men, I personally can’t believe that any of you courted, proposed, and proudly took to the registry office an outright bitch, a moral sadist, a tearful fool, and so on. Nothing of the kind. But the question is: where did that sweet, charming, kind, understanding and gentle girl who crossed the threshold of the registry office with you a certain number of years ago go? Why is “This” next to you instead of her now? Didn't you have a hand, or even two at once, in such a dramatic transformation?

Think: what exactly does your wife want when she accuses you of all mortal sins at once? Just don’t stop at the superficial – her direct accusations. For example, if she declares that your salary is too small, this does not mean at all that her dream is an oligarch husband. Most likely, she simply does not feel protected next to you; she lacks a reliable shoulder to lean on, forgetting about all her worries. This reliability is not measured by money. But when it is not there, then the thought against one’s will even comes precisely to pure commercialism, because, alas, in our time money is a way to solve many problems. And if a woman does not find a man next to her (and this concept includes not only what is proudly worn in her pants), then she naturally strives for at least financial security.

Does your wife have pathological jealousy? Most likely, you yourself once expressed dissatisfaction with her intimate talents (perhaps you complained about her “stiffness” in the most lyrical moments, insufficient receptivity to caresses, and so on). So the search begins for where you get the intimacy that she – according to your own words – is not able to give you.

Look at yourself in the mirror. You want your wife to look like a picture from a fashion magazine, but who do you look like? Where is the young man with whom your wife fell in love enough to agree to marriage? And the question is not only about appearance, it changes over the years.

I remember the sweetest anecdote: a woman of about forty early in the morning examines herself in the mirror, notes every wrinkle on her face, every fold of skin, overweight, double chin and other troubles of appearance, then turns to the marital bed, on which a half-drunk, bald man with a saggy belly is sleeping, and says with hatred: “That’s what you need, you bastard!”

Think carefully, and if you are honest with yourself, you will find that 90% of what you have created from that charming girl, whom you married, this vixen with whom you now live.

So, maybe you shouldn’t blame your wife for everything and think that if she changed, your whole life would become covered in chocolate icing. Maybe we should start by changing ourselves?

As a person changes, the situation around him also changes. But changing the situation may not lead to a change in the person. Start with yourself. If you don’t know where to start, contact a specialist good psychologist will provide the necessary assistance.

Give your wife what she lacks: a man she can rely on in any situation, a protector and support. And you will have what you lack - loving woman near.

Yes, there is no guarantee of success. Often the situation passes the point of no return, and it is impossible to correct it so that both parties are satisfied and happy. But by changing yourself, you will still change the situation in one way or another: either you will be able to correct your family life, clearing it of misunderstandings and layers, or you will begin new life, in which the sun will no longer be a flashlight with dead batteries.

“You stupid collective farmer, you should be happy that I live with you! You have no taste at all! Look who you look like!” - and this is not what a woman who is subjected to psychological violence can hear. In addition, psychological violence against women very often manifests itself in the most bizarre ways.

A cry was heard on the telephone receiver: “Where are you? Why are you still at work? How long are you going to get on my nerves!?” And now my colleague, with fatigue in her voice, convinces her jealous man that the working day is not over yet and she has not gone anywhere “to the left”, but is working honestly. And that five minutes ago I couldn’t answer his call, because at that moment I was discussing work problems with the director. It's good that the director is a woman.

Anyone who is subjected to psychological violence in the family can make a whole list of her husband’s complaints about her mind, behavior and appearance. And it doesn’t matter whether she sits at home with the children “on the neck” of her husband or works three jobs, and in the evenings she pleases her couch potato. The picture of psychological violence against women is the same in all families. He is psychologically sadistic, she is tolerant.

If there is violence in the family, how to recognize it?

The problem of psychological violence against women is further aggravated by the fact that a woman tends to blame herself for her husband’s failures or her so-called wrong actions. Or even worse: he feels gratitude towards his husband - a verbal sadist - for some small help. Violence against women is thus hidden, as opposed to physical.

And how can you be angry with your husband for a long time if in other moments of his life he is affectionate and loving. And he says all sorts of nasty things only because his wife is to blame, she made him angry. After all, it was she who made him jealous of a non-existent rival, who put too little salt in the dish, or even worse, who did not stand at the door like a tin soldier with slippers in his teeth when he came home. Over time, she may experience neglect of her needs.

It doesn’t even occur to the victim of psychological sadism to leave. After all, you can’t leave children without a father, and it’s scary to be left alone in this complex world.

Why is he acting this way?

System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan explains the causes of violence, as well as which men become domestic tyrants and why their wives tolerate it. Most often, violence against a wife occurs in families in which the man is endowed with the anal vector.

Ideally, this is the most wonderful husband. A real owner. Protector of home and family. The main values for him are his wife and children. The wife must be pure and faithful, and the children must not disgrace their father. He can fix everything with his own hands and does it perfectly. And if the husband also has a visual vector, then this is generally a golden husband. There is a lot to talk about with him, and his advice is always useful.

This is ideal. It often happens in life that a man cannot really realize himself. Things aren’t going well at work or, even worse, you’ve lost your job. That’s when the most ideal husband, without noticing it, turns into a psychological sadist.

A distortion occurs in his psyche: it seems to him that life is unfair to him, that he is the smartest, and those around him do not value him. That's where everyone starts possible ways level out your condition. How? Well, of course, in accordance with its specific role as an anal vector - to teach and edify.

Baba, know your place!

Any man with an anal vector considers a woman inferior to him, and this is the norm. Plus, the visual vector gives him the feeling of being the smartest. And it is precisely in this combination, when he is not appreciated, and he feels like the smartest, that he begins to become psychologically sadistic. The stronger his frustrations, the stronger his emotional sadism, the more sophisticated his psychological violence against his wife. At the same time, he himself believes that he is simply speaking honestly about her stupidity and other shortcomings.

He can lecture and, laughing slightly, humiliate her dignity. And in the case of very strong frustrations, it can even seriously threaten, and then psychological violence against the wife can turn into a very real pulling out of arms and legs. The reasons for this behavior are that a frustrated anal husband always wants to teach his “stupid” wife, he wants to dirty her, beat her. But the visual vector limits such manifestations by culture, and the man is limited to sarcasm and ridicule.

It must be remembered that the problem of domestic violence is associated with long-term damage to a woman’s mental health.

Psychological violence against women: who becomes a victim?

Violence against women is widespread, but the problem is difficult to diagnose. System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan reveals to us the psyche of the victim of a domestic sadist. It is always the skin vector of a woman with a masochistic scenario that attracts a psychological and any other sadist into her life.

The sadist and the victim always find each other. A woman who has been beaten or humiliated in childhood, who has always been told that she is good for nothing, that everyone around her is better than her, will, without noticing it, be sure to pull at her husband. Oooh and ahh endlessly, ask something, walk back and forth around the house in front of your eyes, flicker. At some point, his rigid psyche will not withstand her constant twitching.

After a series of insults, she will receive release and her buzz from the negativity. After all, this is how she was taught to get her pleasure from life. It was as if I was covered by a sea wave, and then the wave moved away. Bliss! It’s just not realized. And this will happen again and again - he will yell at her, threaten her, insult her. And she will endure and get her little buzz from this relationship.

A victim of psychological violence will find a variety of rationalizations for himself in order to remain with his tormentor. And in those moments when he poured out all his emotions and calmed down, began to ask for forgiveness, it seemed to her that this would not happen again. After all, in such states he is the most best husband. She also received her release, her “charge of vivacity.”

In fact, he will never stop. And why should he stop being emotionally sadistic? After all, she tolerates and even encourages.

Violence against women - how not to succumb

All victims of psychological abuse should know: this will never stop. Even if you know where to turn for help, even if you have a dozen personal psychologists. You can study all the books in Russia on psychology, but nothing will change until you understand the reasons for this problem - why he behaves this way and why you tolerate it.

Is it possible to correct the situation or is it better to shine your heels, running away from such a husband? Any woman should know that she has the right to respect and a sense of security from the person with whom she lives in the same house. The best protection- this is knowledge about the psyche of two halves: a sadist and a masochist. You will receive them at the training on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan.

The results of people who got rid of problems of psychological violence confirm the effectiveness of a systematic approach.

“...I came to the training in a terrible moral state. She ran away from her drinking and beating husband to another city. I specifically chose one where no one knows me, in my arms I have a 4-year-old daughter... Pain, resentment, fear, horror - all this was boiling and stewing inside, I began to sleep a lot. I slept 15 hours a day - and still this wild weakness in my body. I got up only for the sake of the child: I needed to go for a walk, play, feed... Fortunately, I had a reserve of funds, and I decided: if not now, then never again - I paid for the course.

Already in the first lessons I was simply amazed, horrified, and experienced a storm of emotions. After anal sex, all my husband’s actions were revealed from a completely different perspective. His actions became clear to me in a way that even he would never understand. The resentment towards him went away, she confirmed the correctness of her departure...”

“... My life changed 360 degrees when I realized - thanks to SVP - that anal frustration is for the rest of my life. She ran away and left everything. After all, anal ones don’t just let go. It’s been 3 years already, and he still believes that he will return. But would I exchange this condition of mine for a condition and life in constant stress?! NEVER …"

The article was written using materials from online training on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan

Everything started well: you were a great couple, whose relationship everyone envied, then married the person they loved and enjoyed simple family happiness. But at one point something went wrong. Or maybe everything was going this way, but you just closed your eyes and refused to believe. It is quite possible that your husband began to show himself not at his best, which is typical for most partners who, at the beginning of the relationship, tried to please their beloved and played.

Then he began to show negative sides character: to be rude, try to humiliate or insult. Of course, you can immediately say that the man had problems in childhood or to this day he suffers from terrible inferiority complexes, but the fact remains: he began to openly mock you, so every day family life becomes like a real hell. This situation, unfortunately, is typical for a huge number of families. What do wives do when their husbands abuse them? Everyone holds in silence negative emotions in themselves or complain to a friend. Few people decide to divorce, although sometimes this may be the only logical solution to the problem. Often this happens because of the desire to save the family for the sake of the children or for the sake of financial well-being, which is ensured by that same tyrant husband.

Why does my husband bully me?

To begin with costs pay attention to the fact that often such humiliation and insults are provoked by the wife herself. No matter how surprising it may sound, both are to blame for family problems. If a man acts in a certain way, then it is likely that his wife took an active part in it or even unknowingly provoked it. Of course, this fact in no way justifies a man who decided to assert himself at the expense of his wife, but she must understand that in order for something to change in her relationship with her husband, she needs to act, not think. It is also likely that wife abuse is an element of the family model in which your husband was raised.

Children very often adopt their parents have certain principles and rules of communication in the family. It is likely that he does not even understand that he is repeating the fate of his father, who humiliated his mother almost all his life. We are often driven by the subconscious, which is not as easy to control as it seems. Or it may be that your loved one huge problems in life, so he just takes it out on you. Neither option justifies a person who morally humiliates his partner, so it is worth considering a solution to this problem.

The most negative option It may be that your husband specifically chose you in order to realize himself at your expense. This is very wrong, but first of all the woman herself is to blame, because it was she who chose this representative of the stronger sex and decided to marry him, without knowing negative qualities his character.

What to do if your husband bullies you?

Anytime situations you can find some ways to solve the problem, because if you start analyzing yours, you can find a lot of interesting things. First, start by learning about your spouse's life. It may well be that he has a serious problem or problem, and you are not even aware of it. There are cases when a person develops a terrible disease, and his desire to humiliate is a side effect of irreversible processes in his brain. Follow these recommendations to change something in this situation and reach out to your husband.

1. Ask how your husband is doing at work whether he took out a loan or quarreled with his family. You must approach the situation as wisely as possible if you really want to achieve any result. Sometimes solving a loved one’s problem is enough. You can save a marriage if you want to penetrate into how your husband lives. Ask him about his success at work, his favorite hobby, and his relationship with mom and dad. He must understand that you are his ally and best friend. Be sure to offer your help if you know for sure that you can be useful.

2. Under no circumstances try to answer your husband in kind.. Many women cannot stand it and take out their anger on the very initiator of the quarrel. You should not stoop to his level and start throwing derogatory words and insults in his direction. Try to be restrained and confidently lead the line of conversation. In general, quite often this advice helps to change the situation itself, because the husband does not get the desired reaction and after a while stops using humiliating methods of communication. Restraint and indifference to humiliation in this case should become the golden rule for you until you decide to file for divorce. Don’t waste your nerves and yours, because you won’t achieve anything with a response.

3. Talk to your husband about how you are not happy with his attitude.. If you want to restore the former mutual understanding and trust between you and your husband, then you will have to act calmly and competently. First, start the conversation by saying that lately you feel depressed, you have stopped enjoying life, and everything around you seems gray and monotonous. Loving husband will always understand that something is wrong, and an indifferent person will simply not hear what you want to convey to him. Tell him how you feel at the moment when he humiliates you again, and that you suffer very much because of this attitude.

4. If the proposed options turned out to be useless for you, think about ending such a relationship with your husband. Of course, you need to remember that you have children, and that they need parental love and a good family atmosphere, but think for yourself: will they be happy in a few years to see a complex, unhappy mother who is disappointed not only in men, but also in life? That is why try to change something in life before it is too late, otherwise you will suffer even more later. If you understand that the person who humiliates you every day does not love you at all, feel free to end your relationship with him and start living again.

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I wonder why a woman who is dissatisfied with her husband always limits herself to the statement that “all men are assholes.” The rest of the world continues to be pleasant for her. But if a man doesn’t like his wife, then the light immediately dims for him from everywhere.
Another stereotype is that when a woman is unhappy in her marriage, the man automatically becomes the cause of ALL her unhappiness. And a woman can almost never be the reason a marriage fails. After all, it is men who abuse women and show sadism both in the form of words and expressions, and in physical form. Women are almost always innocent victims.
But if we approach this issue from the other side, we will see that in marriage not only men, but women equally, can abuse their partners. A man just never admits this. Often he endures and leaves silently.
Many women organize their show from the very morning, telling their husband that he sleeps for a long time, has not nailed the nail down, that he has a bad job and a small salary, that he does not pay attention to family problems, etc.
Some women “attack” their husband in a different way, saying that he does not shine in an intimate sense, they stage scenes of jealousy, they say, all their strength is spent on someone else, and the wife has nothing left. And so on, whoever has enough imagination for what.
There are a great many options for bullying a husband. It is not surprising that many men do not want to return home at all, associating the comfort of home with hard labor. It’s better to run away somewhere on a business trip, go to friends, than go home.
Do not think that if a wife mocks her husband exclusively verbally, then this is completely harmless. The consequence of this “slotting” is depression, stroke, ulcers and other diseases.
Who is to blame for this situation?
Hardly normal man I would marry a hysterical bitch or a neurasthenic sadist. Where did that charming, gentle and understanding girl on whose finger you put the ring go? Why isn't she with you now? Maybe you had a hand in such drastic changes?
Think about what your wife means when she pins all the mortal sins on you. Look deeper, don't stop at her direct accusations. For example, if she constantly nags you for a small salary, this does not mean that she wants to live with her oligarch husband. She simply does not feel protected next to you; she lacks a reliable stone wall. And this reliability is not measured by money at all. And if a woman does not see a man next to her, then she, of course, strives to have at least financial security.
Is your wife pathologically jealous? You yourself probably once spoke about her intimate “talents.” So she is looking for someone from whom you get all those affections that, according to you, she cannot give you.
Take a look at yourself in the mirror. You want to have a wife who looks like Hollywood star? Do you look like this?
Think carefully, and if you are extremely honest with yourself, you will discover the fact that almost ninety percent it was you who created the monster with whom you now live out of a charming girl.
So maybe you shouldn’t think that if your wife changed, then your whole life would look like an apple from heaven. Maybe you need to change first?
When a person changes, the situation also changes. But changes in the situation may not lead to a change in human personality. Start with yourself. Try to give your wife what she lacks: reliable support in any situation. And you will have what you lack - a loving woman next to you.