What to do so that your grandmother shares wisdom and not irritation. Family triangle: “mother-child-grandmother Do we need to talk about death?

Hello, my name is Ilona, ​​I am 14 years old and in 8th grade. I live with my mother and grandmother. My grandma just pisses me off! I’m already trying to restrain myself and not scream like before, because I understand that she is older. But she controls me everywhere. As soon as I open the refrigerator door, she is already behind me and says: “What are you looking for?” And I answer, I’ll find what I’m looking for now! To which I get the usual answer for me: Oh, you’re such rubbish, I just asked and you’re being rude, the bastard is growing, etc. You see, if only once, but it happens all the time. Sometimes I’m lying down reading, I’ll take something from food, like an apple or a banana, and put it next to it. She comes and yells, the sofa is not a place for groceries! and starts calling him names, as always. He usually does this only when mom is at work, but when mom comes, that’s it! WE'RE THE BEST OF FRIENDS.
Previously, my grandfather protected me from her when she began to soar me in another hysteria. She obeyed him and went to her room, lay down on the bed and talked to herself. A year and a half ago, my grandfather died and I was alone with her all day. I try to remain silent, not leave the room, not intersect with her. But even in this case she annoys me. There was a case when she said not to clean her room, I asked why, and she told me that she would clean it herself. Well, I vacuumed next to her door and went to clean the living room, and she started yelling that they left dirt at her door, her mother told her , no one left her anything. So she resisted and that’s it. Every time at the end she cries and screams in hysterics that she cooks and washes and cleans, but we pigs don’t like her and don’t take her work seriously. Thanks to her, of course she helps, but after such words all the good things are not even felt. He’ll come from the market and come on, “I brought it, I cooked it, I put it away, I washed it, I washed it.” It’s impossible to listen, I also do a lot of good things, but I don’t stand in the middle of the street and yell about it, bending my fingers. My cousin no longer communicates with her because she hates his wife, who older than brother(much), but he loves her, that’s for sure, she said that she was an “Old Cow.” My brother started his own business and asked for a loan of money, she gave it. But a month later she began to harshly demand it back, explaining that if this money was for her brother, then okay, but he takes it to the “Old Cow”. The brother gave the money, with the words: “Each time, it becomes more and more difficult to communicate with her.” There was a case, she approached my two friends (she accidentally met them on the street) and told them that they should not be friends with me because I want to boss them around! Imagine! Command! They were offended by me, but I couldn’t understand why! She might not hear something and would be offended. One time I tell her: “Will you have coffee?” I stand and wait for an answer, and she says let’s yell that I constantly call her names and humiliate her, but only in such a way that it hurts more. Her mother claims that no one offended her, but that they simply asked her. I’m already standing and crying, not realizing that I asked wrongly. And she, in another hysteria, goes into the room where, as always, lying on the bed, she swears at the whole world! She's a Virgo and I'm a Leo! There's no way we can get along together. But I at least take a step towards her, and she hammers into herself that everyone is mean to her and tries to offend her. He humiliates me in front of my neighbors. When she comes to all her friends, she begins to tell a saga called: “ILONA AND ALL HER NASTY THINGS.” I hear all this from my room, and when I leave, 6-7 pairs of evil eyes are boring into me. Of course I'm silent. I just don’t know what to do with her. She is right in everything, she knows everything 1000 percent. I play the piano - not like that. After the art I show the paintings - it’s bad! When in the kitchen I do something wrong too, and it would be fine if I just spoke, she takes it and while I turn away, she ruins the scrambled eggs in my soup, throwing pepper. And this is under the excuse “I thought I didn’t pepper it enough.” She skimps on food, takes care of her cheese like the apple of her eye until it dries out, and then doesn’t know what to do with it. We live comfortably, we don’t need anything, my mother has her own company. Where does this mania for poverty come from? Maybe a hungry childhood, she’s from 1941, the war has begun. She’s sure that everyone she knows has millions under their pillows, but we don’t have a penny! He puts himself down, loves to press for pity, gets on both my and my mother’s nerves. I complain to my mom, and she says, “What am I going to do, kill her or something?” Well, that’s okay. As soon as she goes somewhere, my joy and mood lifts.
IN lately she simply began to humiliate me, today she said that compared to my mother I am ugly. I remained silent and patiently endured the family dinner, after which I quietly walked to my room and behold, I was hysterical. I’m sitting here typing and my hands are shaking. Of course, this may be stupid, but understand, it’s very offensive and painful for me, after all, my own grandmother. Please help me, I don’t know how to behave with her anymore. I will be glad to any answers. Thanks in advance.

Hello, Ilona! As they get older, many people can no longer control their emotions, thoughts, etc. You need to understand that grandma had a really difficult childhood and it's all affecting her now. Previously, there were no psychologists, people had nowhere to turn, so they worried as best they could. And it was difficult to survive, there was hunger. Early childhood has a great influence on a person's future life. It’s just that if you understand that your grandmother’s behavior is understandable, it will become easier for you to come to terms with it. When your grandmother asks you something, and you respond with impudence, she gets even angrier. Try to answer all her questions calmly and to the point. Try to treat her like small child. I understand that you are a child yourself, but being angry with her won't change anything. And when she scolds you, imagine her as a little girl or dressed in some funny dress. This is harmless to her and will amuse you, and you will not perceive her antics so tragically. She wants to make you angry, but don’t be angry, so she won’t get what she wants. Once again, maybe he won’t pester you. And try not to take seriously what she tells others about you, people see everything themselves. If she calls you names, say calmly: “Yes, I am who I am,” or “There are a few,” that is, agree, do not give in to her jokes. You know that you are not like that, and this is the main thing. Good luck!

Hello, Ilona! I am very sorry that you have to listen, see and take to heart this attitude and behavior of your grandmother! I suggest you look at this situation differently, from the point of view of why she behaves this way? She really had a difficult childhood, but that’s not all, and the main reason why she behaves this way is because she was treated this way, she was very hurt, offended, she got angry or suppressed her feelings when she heard from her elders how they reproached her with a piece of bread or cheese?!? The fact that she could not let it out of herself then, now she does it, as if in spite of herself, and, of course, unconsciously, and acts the same way towards her loved ones and those around her, as they once treated her. I don’t know how old your grandmother is, but it’s almost impossible to change her, but you can change your attitude towards her behavior! I know that it is difficult, but if you move in this direction, you can achieve good results! That is, do not perceive her words, but imagine how the water flows from the tap, as well as her words, swearing and so on... - goes down the pipe - past you!!! If you want, you can try another way, through “I-statements”: “It hurts and offends me to undeservedly hear this……………from my own grandmother.” This does not mean that she will immediately stop behaving this way - time and patience are needed, because - this is not necessary for her, but for you, so as not to keep the bad inside. And over time, the situation will begin to change... 3. You can sign up for a section where there are a lot of physical movements, where, during and after training, you will begin to experience a release and you can transform your anger, thus, for peaceful purposes , for the benefit of yourself and the safety of others!!! It’s also good to beat a pillow at home, wash the floors, run, etc., all this will help you feel better and pay less attention to her “words.” As soon as you lose interest in everything she says and how she behaves, in other words, it stops attracting you, then her behavior towards you will begin to change!!! In fact, it’s a pity for her that as a child she was not loved enough, not caressed enough, and she is unhappy in her own way! Your task for this period of time is not to accept her words, consider yourself wonderful, be proud of yourself! Not to feel guilty is on the one hand, and on the other hand, not to be ashamed of what your grandmother said about you, and if you meet those to whom she said something, feel free to look them in the eyes and feel confident, and if they will say something in response, then you can simply answer that this is wrong, but you’re not going to prove anything to anyone. But tell your girlfriends, on occasion, if there is a reason, something that their grandmother told them - that this is wrong! If it becomes difficult to figure it out on your own, a psychologist can help you with this at a personal meeting. All the best to you. Sincerely, Lyudmila K.

Hello, Ilona!

Your grandmother interferes with your boundaries, perhaps she simply does not know how to respect other people's boundaries at all. But you definitely won’t be able to retrain her, so the only thing you can do is clearly indicate to her your boundaries and prevent them from entering. I think you should turn to your mother for help with this, so that she (due to your young age) confirms that she is satisfied with such boundaries. You can even conclude a written “border agreement”. It should list all your rights and responsibilities in household affairs, as well as your grandmother’s in relation to you, as well as, if possible, some controversial issues that your grandmother most often clings to. For example, it should indicate (if the agreement is oral, then it will be discussed) that the grandmother has no right to enter into dialogue with your friends without your consent (I think this is fair). A publicly discussed and concluded agreement is much more difficult to break. In general, problems with their own and other people’s boundaries usually occur among unhappy people, who poorly understand themselves and their needs, who poorly manage their lives, and they are worthy, first of all, of pity, in my opinion. So a little leniency from you towards your grandmother, in my opinion, would be nice to bring into your relationship. If you learn to set and protect your own boundaries, then this will be very useful for you, as it will protect you from all those psychological problems, which my grandmother now has, because awareness and upholding of your boundaries helps you understand yourself, your actions and needs, and therefore better understand yourself and the world around you. All the best, Elena.

Who makes the most common version of grandmother in our conditions - the “interfering grandmother”? She grows out of a mother who just doesn’t want to admit that her children have grown up. That they have a separate life, that they make independent decisions, and she doesn’t have to like these decisions at all. That they are old enough to have children and raise them. Such a mother can interfere in everything and be dissatisfied with everything: her children (adults!) eat the wrong way, spend their money wrong, relax the wrong way, live with the wrong people and live the wrong way - whatever. And when grandchildren appear, even the less interfering mother believes that she must certainly participate somehow. So the arrival of grandchildren is a catalyst for what already exists in our adult relationships with our parents.

Of course, mothers of adult children do not interfere out of malice. It is very sad and difficult to admit that your child has grown up. The mother of an adult child and the mother of a small child occupy different places in the lives of children. And the children different ages occupy different places in the lives of mothers.

And letting children go is associated with meeting such important issues: - What else besides children do I fill my life with? - What other meanings are there in my life besides them? - Do I feel my worth when children need me less and less? - What does it mean to be the mother of an independent adult?

These are quite a few tough questions.

It’s good that we decided to talk about this not 20 years later. I want to prepare to become a satisfied grandmother.

Unfortunately, it is often very difficult for middle-aged women, who are very accustomed to investing in children and actively caring for them, to find any other, new meanings in life when the children have matured and started their own families. And then, having become a grandmother, such a woman can be actively involved in the lives of adult children and grandchildren because she has nothing else to do. Children and grandchildren are the main meaning of life for her. And this is a heavy burden for both children and grandchildren - to be someone’s meaning in life, especially the only meaning. But this is the grandmother’s task - to organize her life in such a way that, in addition to her family of children, she has other uses for her strengths and aspirations.

Or it is very difficult for a woman to feel her worth and importance. Just like that, from the inside, the value and importance of your life. The life of, for example, a 55-year-old woman. In a good way, we internally receive this feeling in childhood from our parents. And if this is not received (unfortunately, very often this is the case, or a feeling of conditional value is received, that is, I am valuable only when I do something, am good at something, help with something, for example), then in adulthood we We will pull this from spouses, from children, from grandchildren. And be offended if we are not appreciated and loved.

It’s even harder when the grandmother not only tries to be valuable, but also competes with the parents in who is more important and important. A woman who raised her son for herself, in order to be the main and the best woman, will she silently give it to some young bitch? Will she be happy with the way her daughter-in-law is raising her grandchildren? Never!

I would like to warn those who think that they see right through their grandmother with all her “dark” motives and want to tell her about it: if you still want peace in the family, you should not engage in the motives and “psychotherapy” of your loved ones, it will do no good doesn't lead. In my opinion, it is also not worthwhile to educate adults. Leave the grandmothers the responsibility for their lives, and better take responsibility for yours. Enough to do.

I’m not talking about the motives of the “grandmothers” in order to expose them. I think it is important to be aware, as far as possible, of your own motives in your relationship with a child, whether small or adult. Because the parental task is to promote the separation and maturation of their children. Although this is a difficult, painful task, especially for mothers. Children, on their part, also internally have the task of growing up and separating from their parents. Parents can either help (not hinder, at least) or hinder this. If they interfere, then growing up is delayed and goes far beyond the boundaries of adolescence.

What to do if grandma interferes

And yet. The favorite question is “what to do?” when the grandmother does not want to recognize her children’s right to make independent decisions and interferes and interferes? My opinion is this. Regardless of whether your mother coped with your growing up or not, whether she accepted it or resists it in every possible way: if you are an adult, especially enough to give birth to children, it is your responsibility to separate and take the place of an adult child in your relationship with your mother.

For example, still take the place of the head in your own family. And the boss sets the rules. Those that suit him in his family. For example, if it doesn’t suit him that his mother or mother-in-law criticizes him, he talks about it. I'll say it my way personal experience. It is important for me that my husband and I, as parents, are the main ones in our family. This means that some decisions regarding the child are made by the two of us. And at the same time, we decide what decisions we can entrust to grandmothers. By the way, there are a lot of them, but they all relate to the time that Pasha spends with them. The entire time he is with us: how he is dressed, what clubs he goes to, what his regime is, treatment, what school he will go to, and so on - this is solely our decision. My husband and I are quite tough on this: we suppress any criticism or unsolicited advice from grandmothers.

How exactly?

In words. Typically, I talk about how unsolicited interference makes me feel (“I’m angry about such and such”), talk about what doesn’t suit me (“I don’t need advice right now,” “Don’t you need to criticize me"), and I say which option suits me (“Just listen to me”, “We will have such a rule”). I react to some specific manifestations of care and anxiety (“Do you even have anything to eat?”, “Is Pasha dressing warmly?”) with humor. The husband is generally a master at this; he very funnyly begins to reflect to my mother her concern: “Dear mother-in-law, I’m also very worried, how are you eating? Is everything enough for you?” In general, in different ways.

What to do if grandma doesn't want to be a grandma

Let's talk about another option - about a grandmother who does not want to be as actively involved in the lives of her grandchildren as her children want from her. Here I personally have more of a question about children - “parents”. What is this insult about? Just imagine, a woman of 50-60-70 years old actively lives her life, she has her own values, her own interests. Beauty, no?

At least that's the kind of woman I would like to be. And her adult children say: “Why are you living your life? Why don’t you want to live our lives and the lives of our children?”

You know, when children are small, they generally see their mother as a function. The function of a mother is to give children: love, acceptance, support, attention, etc. And children evaluate their mother precisely as a function, based on how and what she gives them or does not give them, based on this she good mom or bad. And only Having become psychologically adults, they become able to see their mother as a person, as a woman. Who is not only a mother, but also a separate person, a separate woman.

In a situation where an adult child wants his mother to better fulfill her function as a “grandmother,” and is offended that this does not happen, I have a hypothesis that he did not receive something for himself from his mother in childhood. Maybe the mother was not around much when her support was needed, maybe the child did not feel that he was very valuable to the mother (and not just her work, hobby, man, etc.), maybe there was little concrete help, and the child had to do too much, beyond his age, on his own. And it’s as if now, with the help of their children, the child “parent” is still trying to get this from his mother.

Then it’s better to think about what complaints, what grievances you have against your mother. This is all important processes: to understand what captivates me so much, to understand what it makes me feel, what feelings. Can I or my mother now correct what happened or did not happen in childhood? Do I still expect my mother to finally become my ideal mother? Can I just tell my mom about what it was like for me as a child and how I perceive her behavior now? Can I be angry and sad about something that I didn’t have and, perhaps, don’t have something important, something that I don’t get from my mother? Can I ask my mother, while admitting that she has every right to refuse me, and live not only my life?

There was no such “grandmother” model in our childhood. This is very difficult to comprehend.

Everyone had different models in childhood, not necessarily about the grandmother from “The Little House in the Village.” It is more important to look not at childhood models or models of friends and neighbors, but at your feelings. After all, what are feelings and emotions? This is our personal, unique indicator of what is important to us, what touches us, what our needs are and whether they are being fulfilled.

There is, for example, a grandmother who comes to the house of her adult children, cooks, cleans, and walks with her grandson. And for one parent this will cause a feeling of gratitude and appreciation, because this is exactly the help that he wanted. The other was angry because he only asked to go for a walk, and did not ask to interfere with the household, or even asked not to do anything around the house. For him, this grandmother’s initiative, this “good”, is an entry into his territory without permission. And then some general model will not help us in any way. But it will only help to understand what it means for me personally when my grandmother does this? Is this what I want or not? And this can only be solved by paying attention to the feelings that arise in us. If there is anger, it means something wrong is happening. For you personally. And even if for all neighbors and friends this is the “right thing”, for you it is not.

About feeling guilty before your grandmother

Then it's even more difficult. One person has anger and so does another. Only one person can be angry, and he does not feel responsible for his mother’s feelings, and can directly say: “Mom, I’m angry, don’t do that.” And for another, this anger is accompanied by a huge feeling of guilt, because he is to blame for the fact that his mother, for example, was offended, or her blood pressure jumped, or something else. There are many specialists in manipulation among mothers. And then what will be the model of relations between one and the other? Answer: different. Therefore, I am in favor of focusing on what arises within us. And what we can change now. If there is a mountain of guilt and responsibility for mother’s feelings, it is unlikely that it will be possible to quickly build some kind of adult relationship.

Everything is clear, but what should parents do?

I know from myself and from the stories of friends and clients how difficult it can be to “switch off” from these relationships. Often not only our grandmothers, but we also do not trust our grandmothers to communicate the way they want with their grandchildren. In general, this is understandable. Because we, as children, often suffered from such relationships ourselves. I think our personal feelings are a good indicator of where we might need to intervene.

As for me, before I was constantly “on alert”: how do they communicate, what does my mother say to Pasha, how does Pasha answer her? I was always the third in their relationship. But I don’t want this at all, I believe that if you don’t interfere, they will build some kind of their own relationship that is acceptable to them. Therefore, what they are talking about now, what they are doing together is only their business. The only time I interfere is when I understand that something Pasha or mom told me makes me angry. Most often, when I hear about some kind of manipulation. Pasha, by the way, catches them perfectly, much faster than me. And he himself can let his grandmother know that he doesn’t like it. And if I find out about this, then I also tell my mother about my anger and that I don’t want it that way. And although she doesn’t like it at all when I’m angry with her, I understand that she hears me.

I would also intervene in cases of some kind of threats, use of physical force, punishment - something that is absolutely unacceptable for me either in relation to myself or in relation to my child. And also, for me personally, it is unacceptable when someone turns a child against one of the family members: by criticizing (“oh, well, your parents are just like that!”), calling for them to withhold some information (“just don’t tell your mom”) , scaring someone with punishment (“I’ll tell dad!”), etc. I don’t want this to happen in my family, and if this happens, I angrily fight back.

I also often hear that parents get angry when grandparents do something that, for ideological reasons, seems wrong to parents: they feed them the “wrong” food, teach them using the “wrong” methods, give them the “wrong” books, and so on. Personally, I take this very calmly, I even see it as beneficial for the child.

Grandparents show him something that parents don't show him. At the same time, he has the opportunity not to follow the only “that” ideology of his parents, but to see different things and choose what he likes. But this is my position, of course, in each specific family, parents themselves can decide what is acceptable for them or not in communication between grandmothers and grandchildren, and when it is worth interfering.

I heard from friends about cases when, while visiting their grandmother, their children are allowed everything that their mother forbids. Mom is offended. It turns out that mom becomes such an evil aunt, but grandma is good. She can have chocolate and a lot of sweets, although mom warns not to give too much.

I don't see anything wrong with grandmothers spoiling their grandchildren. Or maybe they don’t spoil you, but they have different rules. About the image of the “evil aunt” - is it my mother’s fantasy that she looks like that in comparison with her grandmother, or is this what grandmother does? If a grandmother, albeit unconsciously, competes with her mother and gives candy with the message: “Well, your evil mother won’t spoil you like that,” then yes, of course, this is not about healthy relationships in the family, and the grandson “considers” this. And not necessarily, by the way, as the fact that the “evil mother” may, on the contrary, not fall in love with the grandmother.

And if she just gives candy because she loves her grandson very much and for her this is an expression of love and tenderness - then what’s wrong with that? Unless, of course, the child breaks out in a candy rash or loses all his teeth. In this case, you can tell your grandmother and show him that this is harmful for him. And if there is no harm, and mom loves like this, dad likes like that, and grandma likes like that, and parents have the same rules at home, and grandparents have different ones - it’s about the diversity of people, about the difference in the expression of their feelings, that’s all very important for the child.

But often parents themselves have problems with their own parental authority and the fact that they forbid something to their child. Deep down in their hearts, they even feel guilty for being so strict. And then the “kinder” grandmothers are perceived as a threat. But whose problem is this? Not grandmothers, and not grandchildren. It is important for parents to figure it out themselves, why is it so difficult for them to take parental authority and introduce their own rules? What makes them so worried or angry that other people might have different rules?

What to strive for in relationships with grandmothers?

Ideal family relationships are those that suit you personally. For me, this is a relationship in which everyone has an understandable place. For parents, it is parental, that is, the main thing in this family, which determines its rules. The grandmother has the grandmother’s place, which is not as responsible as the parent’s, since she does not accept important decisions regarding the child. And that is why her love can be completely free from any conditions and anxieties, she no longer has to show herself as some kind of super-parent, she has already raised her children. And she can give her grandchildren a lot due to this. And the children have a children's place. Where it is clear that you can rely on adults. Where you can eat different love for everyone. Where they see that no one pushes the other out of his place, and therefore they feel very comfortable being a child in such a family.

Question for a psychologist:

Hello, I have a very long story, I’ll try to paint the whole picture so you can understand.

In general, my grandmother will be 77 years old tomorrow, she has diabetes (this is what I heard, it eats the brain), so all this started two years ago. I sometimes lived with my grandmother, because she said that she needed help before meeting her husband, and she had such “slips”, for example:

I went to see my friend and warned her that I would stay with her. The next day I drive up to the house, my mother calls me, says where you are, my grandmother called the local police officer, writes a statement that you are missing. The district police officer called my mother, my grandmother also called her, and many others, everyone except me! I come and say why didn’t you call me? Why are you doing this, you know that I’m with a friend. She waved her hand, went into the room, and I settled everything with the district police officer. After that she became angry and tried to control me. I moved away from her so as not to spoil the relationship. The following situation:

I came to her for an overnight stay for a couple of days. A day later, I come home after work, she begins to accuse me of allegedly stealing money (even though I work from 10 am to 10 pm, I come and go to bed, I don’t even know where she hides it). In general, accusations started pouring in, I felt offended, I started searching, turning the whole house over, I found a newspaper in the trash with money sticking out of it (she put it there to give it to her sister, who was going to pay the rent). I show her, she doesn’t apologize, not a word. I'm leaving again and after that I no longer come to her for an overnight stay, for a maximum of a couple of hours to visit.

Then there was the same situation with the fabric. I got pregnant, she wanted to sew diapers, couldn’t find the fabric, and started blaming me for taking it. Then she called and apologized. Then it turns out that she also needs supervision and we have a child, renting an apartment is too expensive, she says move in with me, we are doing renovations, during the renovation she acts weird again. Sometimes he calls at ten o’clock at night, he can’t find the remote control for the split system (he’s almost crying, he says that he’s suffocating from the heat). I arrive and find it in the most visible place on the dresser! Then when we asked not to temporarily put anything on the new linoleum in her room, because he needed to lie down, he was dragging a table with old iron wheels that did not spin across the entire room. He tears up the linoleum a little (at the same time she cries that everything hurts and she can’t even lift a two-liter kettle, joints, arms, everything), throws hysterics out of nowhere, brings me, who is pregnant, to tears, says nasty things... With With grief we finished the renovation; they installed a stall in the bathroom especially for her, because... It’s hard for her to get into the bathtub with good intentions without dividing anything into yours and mine. At this time, put my old kitchen table in my room, put my refrigerator in my room, buy yourself a new one, put my kitchen cabinet on my balcony, I’ll put cans there. Well, of course, we tried to explain that this was unnecessary, both for good and for bad, but it was impossible to convey anything to her. They did it as she wanted. Just the other day we noticed that sometimes when we are not at home in our room, something is out of place. We installed a webcam, left, we came and looked, she went through all the closets, just looked, and stuffed a dirty bag that was lying on her closet into the clean linen. You see, she doesn’t need him, he’s in the way. I calmly walked up to her and said why are you doing this, he’s dirty in clean linen, you don’t need him, well, you should put him on the floor in the room. In response, she began to kick me out of the room with the words “I went to three letters” (I apologize). After that, the next day (we teach the child to fall asleep without rocking himself in the crib) before that he fell asleep without problems, but yesterday he began to be capricious , wants to be rocked. They took him in their arms, tried to calm him down, it didn’t work, they decided to just not pay attention to him, no one has ever died from tears, he’s cranky and falls asleep (the whims lasted no more than 3 minutes). room, starts screaming, calm him down, you are mocking the child. I’m trying to explain to her, she doesn’t let me get a word in and says that it’s my husband who doesn’t let me approach the child, that he’s a tyrant, that he hasn’t cried all day, but he came, he started crying and everything like that. I’m trying to reason with her and explain that this is not so and nonsense (my husband is calmer than me and loves his son very much, he allows what I don’t allow) and she knows this very well, she starts screaming that she will call the police so that we deprived of parental rights for bullying. In general, the son is already asleep, she screams, and barely kicked her out of the room. Today I approached her and explained: “You raised your children the way you wanted, we raise them the way we need them, don’t interfere and don’t interfere and don’t you dare insult my husband anymore and say such things about him.” In response I hear “I don’t give a damn, he’ll cry again, I’ll call the police, let’s get the **** out of the room.” She starts pushing me and grabbing my arms very hard, it naturally hurts me (I’m not tall, 1.60, I weigh 50 kg and she’s taller than me, 98 kg), I break free, she starts waving her arms, fighting with me, hitting me, scratching me, she scratched everything on me hands and face a little. I pushed her a little and ran out of the room, locked myself in my own, all the while she called me obscenities in the process and her face was so angry and diligent and she waved her hands as if nothing hurt at all, not every guy waves like that can. I felt very scared, because the apartment is hers, we are here on bird rights, and she threatens to kick us out. We took out a loan for repairs and can’t afford to take it out, only my husband works, I’m on maternity leave, I cry all day, I don’t understand what’s wrong with her, why she’s behaving like this... I talked to her sister, she also complained about her, she says, that when her grandmother asked her to buy her apples and bring them that same day, she refused her and her grandmother went crazy, sent her and hung up. She also said that this is not the first time she asks for something and wants it done right away, and if they don’t do it according to her, she gets offended and doesn’t talk. Her neighbor best friend She also said that her grandmother sends her away during a conversation if she says something that in her opinion is not correct (the fact is that my grandmother is a believer, she was even in a sect, from which I barely pulled her out, and her neighbor is an atheist, for this reason they have disputes). So, she often heard from her such phrases as “fuck you,” “get out,” “shut up,” and more than once they made comments to her about this, she brushed it off. How is this possible, after all, she and this neighbor have lived together all their lives, they still go back and forth to each other all day, drink tea together, eat at the same table. This neighbor brings her essentials (bread, kefir), since I can’t leave my son unattended, and my husband comes in the evening. In general, this is the problem. Help, please, what should we do? What does it look like? How to behave with her?

Psychologist Alina Vladimirovna Lelyuk answers the question.

Christina, hello!

I sympathize with you. The situation you are in is nervous and exhausting.

Unfortunately, relationships with elderly relatives are not always peaceful and rosy. And it’s not always possible to perceive everything calmly and smoothly. Sometimes they can lead to a boil and frenzy.

It is important for you to decide what exactly you want in this situation. I’ll say right away that you won’t be able to change your grandmother. You can change your attitude towards this situation. And thereby make your relationship more acceptable for you.

"What does it look like?" - I can’t say for sure, psychologists don’t make diagnoses. Perhaps, indeed, the change in behavior is associated with the disease. Or perhaps all at once - illness, age, lack of attention, a feeling of loneliness and abandonment. Maybe grandma wants more care and warmth. To make a diagnosis, it is better to consult a specialized doctor.

You wrote that changes with your grandmother occurred 2 years ago. What happened in grandma's life at that moment? What influenced her behavior so much? Remember, maybe it will help you accept her behavior.

You can try to improve your relationship with your grandmother by talking to her about her past. Show interest in grandma's life. For example, get into the habit of drinking tea together. Perhaps grandma doesn’t have enough attention and that’s why she gets it this way.

Be prepared for grandma to talk about the same things over and over again. Don't brush it off. Just listen calmly. All you have to do is nod and assent. You can think about something of your own at this time. What is important to grandmothers is simply the opportunity to speak out.

Try asking your grandmother for help with some little things. This way she will feel needed and may become calmer. Be sure to thank her for all her help. Discuss some everyday problems with her. Get advice. You don't have to do as grandma says. But she will be pleased that her opinion is important to someone.

It’s normal that grandma sometimes forgets something. Older people have this peculiarity that they remember to the smallest detail the events of their youth, but forget what they were told 10 minutes ago. That's it to say side effect old age.

Imagine that senile memory resembles a notepad for notes. The notebook is already filled with notes. There is not a single free line. And everything that is happening now - there is simply nowhere to write it down. That's why it's not remembered. Although it seems that a person perceives everything carefully and adequately and naturally must remember.

Perhaps that is why your grandmother announced a search for you and called the local police officer. She might have simply forgotten that you warned her. As in other similar cases and situations.

Think about the fact that older people, with age and illness, begin to feel helpless and this makes them angry. And they pour out this evil on those around them. Think about the fact that it is not your grandmother who is screaming and swearing at you, but her illness and helplessness. You can repeat this in your mind every time she argues with you. This will distract you from swearing, and you will not be so involved in this process.

Also, at such moments, pay attention to your breathing. Try to breathe deeply. Or count to 10, 20 or 100. This also switches your attention, and you won’t react so strongly to everything your grandmother says.

Considering the fact that you have nowhere to go and need to hold on to this living space, try to perceive your grandmother’s statements in the abstract. That is, listen, but not delve into or be impressed. Let grandma speak. Perhaps when grandma sees that you are not involved in the conflict, she will lose such passion for picking on you.

The fact that everyone doesn’t speak very well of your grandmother should not be so important to you. If you are not going to place her in a hospital, stop looking for confirmation that the grandmother is insane. Otherwise, you will screw yourself up so much that it will be completely unbearable and scary to be in the same territory with her.

Try to find the good in your grandmother. She was always so bad and quarrelsome. Perhaps she has something to thank her for. When you treat your grandmother without evil and fear, you will perceive her behavior completely differently. And perhaps the grandmother’s behavior will also change a little.

Think about the fact that you too will grow old someday. And you don’t know what kind of old lady you will be. Try to be understanding and accepting of age-related changes in your grandmother's behavior. Don't dwell on your grievances, irritation and anger. Otherwise, you will lead yourself to a nervous breakdown.

Try to neutralize grievances. There are many ways to do this on the Internet. Choose exactly what suits you. Do not accumulate evil, irritation and resentment in yourself.

Give yourself a period of time - how much longer you have to endure until you have the opportunity to move out and live separately from your grandmother. When there is a goal and a deadline, you can move towards it a little more calmly.

And perhaps you won’t want to leave your grandmother if you manage to improve your relationship with her. Perhaps she will also be your assistant and advisor.

Patience to you, Christina, and wisdom in making decisions!

4.4722222222222 Rating 4.47 (36 Votes)

Hello, I am a 17 year old girl. I have a very difficult one life situation and I don't know what to do. My mother drank from adolescence and had no brains, my father is a mentally ill person who tolerates everything that comes to my mother’s mind. For some reason they decided to conceive me without any income or their own home. They didn’t know how to treat a small child, for them I was a toy that they played with and threw, and if she screamed, they covered her mouth with a rag. I couldn’t talk or walk until a certain age. Mom was deprived of parental rights. My grandmother took me from this hell to a slightly different one, but everything was in order. Grandmother always had husbands. As one died, he was replaced by another. All of them are without meaning in life, childless (except for one, but he hanged himself without raising his daughter - my mother), drunkards and with a bad lifestyle. I don’t know what a miracle it was then that my grandmother found a wonderful man who put me, a little girl, on my feet, taught me to walk and talk, thanks to him I found a good childhood and saw the world. But the good things ended when he relapsed after years of sobriety. He died before my eyes and it was very difficult. But not my grandmother. She didn't care. She found a man who became the worst nightmare of my life. At first she brought him for a couple of days, then he moved into our house, occupied the entire apartment, except for my room, with his things and designated it all as his property. He does not have a Russian passport, only an expired American one. He has no education, no job. He has an addiction to alcohol. And it's scary. He deliberately caused my grandmother to become disabled (leg amputation, she doesn’t get out of bed at all, I take care of her) and slowly went crazy, and he sucked out money and lied to her. My grandmother has a good pension, she receives guardianship money and disability benefits. All this is quickly spent on drinking and having fun. Then a whole month on porridge, absolutely no money. Every day there is chaos in the apartment, the very loud voice of that man. I try to clean everything, keep it clean, because it’s my responsibility, but it’s hard for me. I have problems with the thyroid gland and heart and it’s very difficult for me, both physically and mentally. Every day it gets worse because of what is happening at home. I can’t get out, I can’t go anywhere, because I’m taking care of my grandmother, who is bedridden. I can't go to the police because this man has good experience in deceiving people and no one will help me. I don't know what to do, please help me...

Answer

What should I do if my grandmother hates me? Let's start with the fact that she is a very irritable and embittered person, constantly gossiping about everyone, and even with such anger, as if they owed her money. He constantly reproaches me for everything, brings me to tears, then a game begins where I am an ugly, stupid granddaughter, and she is an innocent angel who is trying to reason with me, but I can no longer do anything other than “shit, cry and eat.” There is no point in expecting support from your family: dad is always on his mom’s side, brother and mom just put up with it. I can never say a word to her, she will change everything, and then she will start telling dad that I did something to her.
Yesterday we had a fight, or rather, she yelled at me. I helped her close the cucumbers, she constantly reproaches her, she always doesn’t like something. I got angry and threw my fork into the sink. She immediately: “What are you throwing, if you don’t want to help me, go to your room and lie there, I don’t need anything from you. Be patient, I don’t have long left and blah blah.” Today is the second day, she doesn’t talk to me, she answers my questions with anger, and when I tried to reconcile yesterday, she sent me. I don't need anything from you - that's all.
I don't understand what to do. She won't let me live. Every day, like in war, I’m afraid to say or do something, lest I make her angry and then she’ll scream all day long.
She constantly calls me lazy and an idiot, saying that I don’t know how to do anything. So she doesn’t even let me cook simple pasta - she stands next to me, reproaches me for everything, and then takes away the spoon and says that she will cook everything herself, and my job is to stand and watch. And as a child, she also beat me. I still remember when I was washing the floors, and she kicked me because I missed a corner.
Help, I don’t know what to do, because of her I even tried to commit suicide. I’m afraid of her, I don’t know how to even be around her. We live in the same house, that’s what she and dad decided, there’s nowhere to go. I'm already tired of all this. I’m already 18, but I still ask permission to go out with my friend. Because of her, everyone in class laughed at me. She hates me. I don't know why. WITH younger brother not like that. He started snapping at her, but then she talks to him normally, but he can hold a grudge against me for a long time, like today, for example. For the second day now he turns away, reproaches me behind my back and calls me names, but doesn’t speak. Mom and brother told me to score, but how could I score with such and such an attitude? Dad doesn't react at all. What to do?

1 answer

I can't live like this anymore. I am 19, I have a child, he is 2 years old. My husband is in the army and because of this I have to live with my grandmother. She is unbearable, she sent me to work, takes my child to kindergarten, every day she rushes at me with a knife, sticks, etc., yells, she doesn’t know how to talk calmly. This infuriates me, I can’t remain silent, I also respond to her words and she’s unbearable, God, she’s always threatening to give my child to an orphanage, like if I want to leave, she won’t give him to me, I can’t do it anymore. 4 more months...

3 answers

Hello, I have the following situation: I’m 22, girl, have my own apartment. But I don’t live there because my grandmother (86 years old) thinks that I’m “too young” to live in my own apartment! I live fairly well and am able to pay rent. But I live with my grandmother. Not only am I a million kilometers from my grandmother to work, but also eternal insanity! She constantly yells at me when I don’t brush her cats (11 cats), lock myself in the bathroom, put the carpet on the wrong side! And this is not the whole list! Oh yes, that's all folk signs etc. etc.
When I wash during my period, it starts! She shouts that I will flood my kidneys and everything else with water and will not be able to give birth to children. Am I passing something across the threshold? We'll beoooooooo fast! She screams so loud that all the neighbors can hear! And this makes me very ashamed. How to move to your apartment?

3 answers

I have one problem and I don't know how to solve it. I am a girl, 11 years old, and I really want to go to a theater club. They tell me that I have the ability for this, at school I constantly play in plays (our literature teacher stages famous works), they voice my friend’s animation and everything seems to be fine. I talked to my parents, they said that I would go to this circle if my grandmother agreed. But my grandmother (she is 59 years old) said that only through her corpse. She says that I’m not at home anyway, I’m always at school (I’m rehearsing plays), at other clubs, but she only wants me to sit at home and work around the house. But I also work around the house: mopping the floors, washing the dishes, washing the dog, washing the clothes. But it seems to her that this is not enough! She doesn't like the fact that I read physics textbooks, although we don't have it yet! I don't understand what's wrong with this! I don’t know, maybe she has senility or what? I talked to my parents, but my mother said that if grandma said no, then no. I started looking for a free theater group, showed it to my mom, but she said no. Of course, I understand that she respects her mother, but how is her grandmother connected with my theater group? I still found a free one! But my grandmother recently made me dye my hair light brown (my hair is naturally fiery red). Do you know how she argued for this?! Here's what:
- Anya, where do we live?! In Belarus?! So you should look like a Belarusian, and not like a painted American!
And for the same reason, she made my dad dye his hair (he is also red). She also forced my family to change my name! I was Marina from birth, but “We are Belarusians!” What kind of name is that?!” and now I kind of have a double name, but everyone calls me Anya! Just tell me where to bury the pensioner’s body so that it won’t be found?! Okay, first of all, how can I persuade her to join this circle?

2 answers

Help! My grandmother is a tyrant and crazy! I am now at my grandmother’s and am writing this taking advantage of her absence. I am a girl, 15 years old. My parents sent me to my grandmother because there was a school nearby, but it was better with my parents!
My problems:
Go for a walk only for an hour and only in the courtyard of the house. Please note, I'm 15! No overnight stays with girlfriends and friends. I cannot have MS until I am 20 years old. It is drummed into my brain that a girl must get married and procreate. The more children, the better. A girl has hair down to her ass, a skirt down to her heels, pink sandals and, if you're lucky, size 5 tits. Also, after a girl gets married, she will have to do whatever her husband says. If you don't have kids by age 25, you're shit!
No internet in her house! At all! I got a weak Wi-Fi somewhere and that’s why you know about it.
And that's not all! What should I do?! I can’t run away from home for some reason. By the way, because all this is happening, I have a lot of complexes! Although they tell me that I am a beautiful, smart and interesting girl. I warn you right away: no VK, no classmates, no other social networks. I don’t have networks (guess why). Just tell me how not to die in this pile of shit. Attention! I didn’t want to offend anyone with this story, I just needed to find out the answer to my question.

3 answers

Hello! I’m a girl, I’m 14 years old, and this guardianship from my grandmother is just annoying! My grandmother is 68 years old. She constantly tells me:
- Anya, you can’t walk outside with your friends. They will rob you.
- My friends are good and they have not had problems with the law.
- Come on. I was robbed.
One day her pencil was “stolen”. She went to the police and reported it, and since there was a man working there who owed her something, they began an investigation. We found out that a girl, the namesake of my friend Svetlana, took the pencil. And my grandmother decided that it was Svetlana, who was my friend. And now, if I want to go for a walk, it’s only with my grandmother arm in arm and to the market. I want freedom! One time my grandmother sent a guy I like! It was like this: this boy (my age) was at my house, because his parents were late for 3 hours after work, and he was waiting for the car next to my house. And so, we were sitting, watching a cartoon, my dream almost came true (we were sitting hugging), and then... The door opens and grandma rushes in (she doesn’t live with us, but her house is nearby) and asks:
- Anya, who is our guest?
- Hello, grandma! Meet (let's say Andrey) Andrey! Andrey, meet me - this is my grandmother - Elena.
- Hello...
- Anya, how dare you bring this ********** to our home?! He is ************ and **********! Get out quickly, ************!
- Grandmother! He has to wait another 2 hours for his parents. In the cold?! In winter?! It would be better if he stayed with us. Moreover, I love him!
- OK.
And after that we listened for another two hours to “what dissolute and disobedient youth.” The next day at school he asked:
- Is your grandmother “that one”?
And we just laughed together. Please tell me how to let my grandmother understand that I am not three years old?

Grandmother buys her granddaughter her fifteenth Barbie. My son can’t have sweets, but his mother-in-law fed him a kilo of chocolates. Mom limits computer games, and at my grandmother’s grandson sat at the computer throughout the holidays and never went for a walk. Is this a familiar situation? What to do if the grandmother spoils the child, and this makes the mother angry? Answers Katerina Demina, consulting psychologist, specialist in child psychology:

Many young mothers go through this: they limit the child in something, but grandmothers do the opposite, mothers forbid - grandmothers allow. What happens in this mother-child-grandmother triangle? Why do simple things and ordinary actions cause such a storm of emotions?

In fact, the main reason for this conflict is two women who find out who has more influence on the child, who is more important. This is a struggle for power.

In my opinion, this situation is completely normal. Girls need to separate from their mother and realize themselves as individuals. It would be good if this separation occurred in adolescence when children argue with their parents, dress strangely, and run away from home. This is the process of separating from parents and finding oneself.

If this separation occurs safely, relationships with parents are improved at a different level., when adults communicate, but at the same time respect boundaries. If such separation does not occur, then the crisis of self-determination occurs later. For example, when a woman becomes a mother.

The mother needs to establish herself as an adult, responsible person who makes decisions about her life and the life of her child. And the grandmother tries to maintain her position as the head of the family, wiser and experienced woman. It is difficult for them to agree; each is confident that she is right. And the child suffers, he is scared and confused. In his desire to please both his mother and grandmother, he may completely forget about his own desires and begin to adapt only to those of others.

What can be done to restore peace in the family? State clearly and clearly who is responsible for the life and health of the child. For example, if you tell your grandmother that the doctor has forbidden you to give your child sweets, then your child will have a stomach ache. Your child - your rules. And if they are violated, you have the right to apply sanctions. There should be no discrepancies here. If this happens, although you have clearly stated that some actions are inadmissible, then next time you can refuse to allow the grandmother to communicate with her grandson. Yes, it is unpleasant and even painful. But, I assure you, relations will improve, and the new rules of the game will become familiar. Patience, politeness and consistency are important here.

But still, if you look at this situation from the outside, most problems are not as terrible as they seem. Your child's childhood will pass very quickly. And extra candy won't cause any harm. What seems very important and necessary today will be forgotten tomorrow. The child will grow up, and you will begin to solve completely different problems. Take advantage of the opportunity to relax while your child is busy communicating with grandparents. It won't last that long.

What does it mean to “spoil a child”? It's like adding honey to his milk. Milk is the provision of orderly and healthy life. What allows our children to grow, develop, and not get sick. We feed our children healthy food, take walks in the park, limit watching TV and computer games, and force them to brush their teeth. Because it's right, we are responsible for our children.

But sometimes it would be nice to add a spoonful of honey to milk in the form of entertainment and disruption. It gives taste to life. And it’s good that there are grandmothers in the world who don’t have to educate. They can only afford to pamper themselves, because that’s what they were invented for.

There are other grandmothers. With a reinforced concrete position that children cannot be praised, otherwise they will become arrogant, imagine themselves and fall into the grave sin of pride. Children need to be criticized and their shortcomings pointed out, then he will study more hard to achieve perfection. Grandmother is unshakably convinced that modern children are spoiled and have a bad upbringing. Her children were correct: quiet and obedient.

Such grandmothers need to be explained that children need praise and approval. Children need to be told out loud how wonderful they are and how much they can do. Mention at the common table that “our baby has learned to tie his shoelaces”, brag to a neighbor “and you know, my granddaughter makes a “swallow” herself.” Believe me, pride is brought up completely differently.

What to do when grandma doesn’t help at all and doesn’t pick up the children? Do not be offended and remember that relationships within the family are much more important. Your parents have already raised their children, fulfilled their duty to the human race, and now it is time for them to reap the benefits. There is no point in being offended by them. It is better to directly ask for what you need, but at the same time be prepared for refusal. Any nanny, even for a couple of hours several times a week, is better than a damaged relationship with your parents.