How to survive the death of your son: advice from a psychologist. Psychological assistance to a family after the loss of a loved one. Condition of a child who was lost by parents June
Counseling family members experiencing loss is a serious test for the psychologist himself and a test of his professional competence.
The death of a loved one, like many other life events, is not only a source of difficult, painful experiences, but also provides an opportunity for personal growth for grieving family members. A family counselor can help family members realize this possibility.
Psychological assistance bereaved adult family members
Work with adult family members is structured in a similar way both in the situation of the loss of a child and in the situation of the death of a marital partner. It includes the following areas:
1. Informing about the psychological patterns of grief and, above all, that this is a long process.
2. Psychological support and support for the family during the grieving process:
Help in understanding and accepting the fact of the death of a family member;
Providing family members with psychological support and assistance in responding to strong feelings associated with the pain of loss;
Assistance in reorganizing family life after the death of one of its members (redistribution family roles and functions, development of rituals);
Help in ending emotional relationships with the deceased (reaction of strong feelings towards him and the fact of his death).
3. Support and assistance to family members in planning their future lives.
Psychological support in working with families experiencing loss is of particular importance and occupies a large part of the counseling process. It involves the full presence of a psychologist, observing what is happening and showing a sense of compassion, while maintaining personal boundaries. The consultant's tasks are: to be there and listen; do not force the result; show respect and accept what happens; see the benefit of family members expressing their grief; Allow yourself to become the person your family can lean on.
An important element in dealing with loss is the inclusion of family members in system process experiencing grief, keeping them from the impulsive desire to escape from the situation and painful experiences, providing assistance in finding internal family resources to overcome this crisis.
A psychologist can help family members create a ritual or rituals that support their need to grieve and preserve the memory of the deceased. It is important that these rituals correspond to the traditions of a given family. Ritual activities provide an opportunity for people to honor the memory of a deceased family member and receive support both within and outside the family by accepting condolences and assistance from friends and relatives. Family ritual also gives everyone the opportunity to express their personal feelings for the deceased.
A consulting psychologist needs to know the typical, so-called normative, manifestations of grief and the symptoms that accompany the pathological reactions of family members. While the former can and should be worked in a consultative manner, the latter require medical care- clinical psychotherapy with medication support or psychiatric care.
Psychological assistance to children who have lost a parent
An important factor in organizing psychological assistance for children is their age. A child under five years old, as a rule, does not understand the essence of the category “death” and does not realize its irreversibility. His psychological state and reaction to the death of his parent depends on the behavior of the adults around him (“infection” with the emotions of adults). Between the ages of five and nine years, most children begin to understand what death is, that it is irreversible, but at the same time the child, as a rule, retains the illusion of his own immortality. Only after nine years does he usually realize that he too is mortal.
It is important to have family support when helping a child grieving the death of a parent. The most difficult thing is to inform him about the death of a loved one. It is best if this is done by one of the relatives or an adult whom the child knows well and whom he trusts. At this moment, it is very important to touch the child: take his hands in yours, hug him, sit him on your lap. The child must feel that he continues to be significant and important to the remaining family members.
At the stage of shock and denial of death, it is necessary to give the child the opportunity to freely express his feelings associated with the death of the parent. He may not react to grief in any way, not express any signs of experience, which is a pathological symptom and requires monitoring of his further behavior. If the child is old enough, you can include him in the funeral arrangements so that he does not feel excluded. It is important not to leave him alone for a long time. At this time, it is better not to send him to school, even if he says that he feels fine.
At the stage of suffering and disorganization, it is necessary to very carefully monitor the child’s condition, be sensitive and responsive, and avoid actions that could contribute to his re-traumatization (forceful conversations about his condition, about the deceased parent, rejection, delegation of the functions of the deceased parent, etc.) . At this stage, the child (teenager) can be included in support groups.
During the stages of reorganization and recovery, it is necessary to help the child complete emotional relationships with the departed parent and make future life plans.
A common question is whether or not it is worth taking a child to a funeral. Many parents consider a funeral too traumatic and refuse to include their child in it. In this case, they deprive him of the opportunity to say goodbye to the deceased parent and feel included in the family grieving process. Children are concrete: when a child actually sees a deceased parent in a coffin and observes the funeral, he receives evidence of his death. Such an experience, no matter how difficult it may be, can ease the period of mourning and the child's adaptation after the death of a parent. The child will have fewer questions about what exactly happened to the parent. The likelihood of irrational thoughts and unrealistic hopes for his return decreases.
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However, a child may have many questions that he does not dare to ask adults. Where did my grandmother go after she died? How does she feel now? Is she in pain? Why did she die? Will we ever see her? What will happen to my parents, will they really die too? What will happen to me if my dad and mom die?
Try to answer all your child’s questions, do not shy away from an unpleasant conversation. By clearly and clearly answering all the questions posed to you, you will help your child cope with the grief that has befallen him.
Children react to the death of loved ones in different ways. One child silently experiences his grief, another becomes aggressive, disobedient, daring, and the third becomes nervous and restless. Children often imitate the behavior of adults, especially their parents. In some families, talking about death becomes something of a taboo, and children intuitively feel that they should not ask their parents questions about this topic.
If parents honestly answer all the child’s questions (including questions about death), the child feels comfortable and can express his grief without hesitation.
Some parents believe that the child should be protected from everything related to death. In such families, children are not taken to funerals, and adults try not to express their grief in the presence of children. Sometimes, trying to protect their children, parents compose for them beautiful stories(“Grandma has gone on a long journey, she will not return very soon”). Thus, parents avoid any mention of the deceased.
Such behavior, however, leads to the exact opposite result. If you talk with a child about the topic of death (or, indeed, about any other), you must be absolutely sincere and frank with him.
A child's reaction to the death of loved ones
Your child has lost someone close. What will be his reaction to this tragic event?
Death of pets. The death of a pet can be a difficult experience for a child. For the first time in his life, faced with death, the child begins to understand what is hidden behind this concept. Thus, he has a certain life experience, which will be useful to him later.
Death of grandmother (grandfather). The death of a grandmother or grandfather is not perceived as tragic by a child as the death of a parent or brother (sister). The child already knows that old people often die, and grandparents are old people, so their death is to some extent expected. In some cases, however, the loss of a grandparent can be a major blow to the child (for example, if the grandparents lived nearby and interacted with the child on a daily basis).
Very often, a child who has lost his grandfather has anxious thoughts. The child thinks: “If my dad’s dad died, then my dad should die soon?” If your child expresses such concerns, you should reassure him that you are completely healthy and will live for a very long time.
Death of father or mother. The loss of a father or mother is a severe psychological trauma for a child. This tragic event can significantly affect the entire process of his spiritual development. Unfortunately, you cannot change what happened, but you can help your child understand the tragic reality.
If you have lost your spouse, you not only have to cope with your own grief, but also with the grief of your child. You must help your child get through this difficult test. The child’s emotional reactions can be very different - loss of strength, anxiety, restlessness, anger, depression.
Be extremely frank with your child, tell him honestly about what happened. The child should feel your love and support; at the same time, you don’t have to say a lot - sometimes a kiss or a tight hug is more eloquent than words. Assure your child that you will not leave him, tell him that very soon your life will return to normal.
If a child’s mother dies (as a rule, the main role in raising a child belongs to the mother), the father must find a person who could take responsibility for the child for a while (a close relative or a nanny). Relatives and friends can help the widowed spouse manage household, however, in such a situation, the father must spend as much time as possible with the child and pay him as much attention as possible. The child will need time to adapt to the new life situation.
Death of a brother (sister). The death of a brother or sister is a difficult blow for a child. The child often experiences this loss even more difficult than the loss of his father or mother: after all, a brother or sister is, in a certain sense, the closest people to a child. The child shares all his joys and sorrows with his brother or sister, they play the same games, exchange toys, and sometimes even sleep in the same room.
When a brother or sister dies, the child develops a feeling of guilt, since very often during childhood quarrels he had a desire to get rid of his brother or sister. In some cases, the child experiences a feeling of guilt simply for being alive (“Why did he die and I stayed alive?”). The child may even blame himself for feeling jealous of him during the illness of his brother or sister, because the parents paid much more attention to the sick child.
If one of your children has died, then, despite all your grief, you should not forget about the other children. Of course, you are experiencing an irreparable loss, but do not forget that your children need participation and care. Contact your relatives and friends - they will help your children cope with grief. In no case should you make your deceased child a “model of all perfections,” some kind of unattainable ideal, otherwise your children may have the feeling that they will never be able to become as perfect in your eyes as their deceased brother or sister.
Childhood experiences
Children, unlike adults, usually learn about death loved one from others. They are not present at the death, so adults in such a situation remain their only source of information.
Tell your child about what happened in accessible language and answer all his questions. If someone in your family is terminally ill, you should prepare your child for the tragic news in advance. For example, tell him the following: “Our grandmother is very, very sick. Doctors say she will die soon." In such a situation, the child will perceive what happened as a natural consequence of the disease. If the death of loved ones strikes a child suddenly (for example, a car accident), it becomes much more difficult for him to cope with the grief that has befallen him.
Having lost a loved one, children experience exactly the same feelings as adults (sadness, anxiety, anger, guilt, shock, helplessness). The children are confused, confused, they cannot believe what happened. The child develops insomnia, he cannot calm down, he cries, loses his appetite, and moves away from his friends. Sometimes (especially in the first months after the funeral) children develop a feeling of fear: they are afraid of dying or losing one of their family members.
Some children of primary school age perceive death as something transitory and temporary. In their fantasies they talk about the deceased as if he were a living person.
Children of middle school age already have a much better idea of what death is and for what reasons it can occur, so at this age the death of a loved one becomes a much more real event for the child. Sometimes a child openly expresses his thoughts (for example, with tears), and in some cases, memories of the deceased are reflected in his dreams and games. The child may experience severe emotional stress.
The death of a person who was not close enough to him (for example, an uncle or aunt) usually does not cause deep feelings in a child. However, if a child loses a truly close person (father, mother, and sometimes a grandmother or grandfather with whom the child has developed a particularly warm relationship), he experiences deep emotional shock. In this situation, the child will need time to cope with the grief that has befallen him. In some cases, children who have lost their parents or siblings experience this grief for the rest of their lives.
If you have suffered a bereavement, allow your child to process the grief naturally. Whatever your child's emotional reaction, treat it with respect: let him be quiet or, on the contrary, noisy, silent or talkative. A child’s emotional reaction depends on the level of his spiritual and intellectual maturity, on personal characteristics, as well as from the circumstances in which the child had to face death.
In some circumstances, the death of one of the parents is especially difficult for a child. The death of a mother, for example, is a particularly difficult blow for a child, since it is the mother who cares most about the child. Having lost his mother, a child is deprived of his main support in life.
A sudden death is experienced much more difficult than an expected, predictable one. If, for example, one of the family members is seriously ill, the child has the opportunity to prepare for a tragic event and say goodbye to a loved one. In other cases, he is deprived of this opportunity.
Grief is a long process. It takes time to get over it. Don't expect your grief to go away in a few days or weeks. If you want to help your child, do not leave him alone with his grief. Talk to your child, answer all his questions, allow the child to openly express his grief and do not try to hide your feelings from him. If you love your child, you must go through this pain with him.
Should I take my child to a funeral?
Many parents believe that children should not take part in funerals. We believe, however, that school-age children should be given the right to choose. The child must decide for himself whether he wants to participate in the funeral. Explain to your child what a funeral is, say that during the funeral the deceased is buried in the ground, and his relatives, friends and acquaintances gather together to pay tribute to the deceased. Describe to your child the entire sequence of events, tell what will happen at each stage of the funeral ceremony (funeral service in church, farewell to the deceased in the cemetery, burial of the body). Warn your child that everyone present will be very sad and many will cry.
If a child decides to take part in a funeral ceremony, one of the adults must be next to him. If a child is too noisy (this behavior is typical for younger schoolchildren), the accompanying adult must take the child home. During the mourning ceremony, the child will see that everyone around him is grieving and crying, and will understand that he can openly, without embarrassment, express his grief. Thus, participation in a funeral, as a rule, does not become a psychological trauma for the child.
Return to daily duties
Question to a psychologist
I am 30 years old. My only and dearly beloved child, 6 years old, died. An accident occurred. I don’t know how I can live now. I don’t want to live. I don’t want to communicate with friends. I don’t see the point in life. at the moment Only work saves me. My husband and I sit in the evenings and remain silent. I’m tired of this state. I don’t want to hear about the second child. I feel like I’m on the edge. Or I’ll end up in mental illness. or I don’t know. What should I do?
Olga, you can understand: such a loss is incomparable to anything. But life goes on. Next to you is your husband, who is also having a hard time, who needs your attention and care. If you withdraw into yourself, as you and, perhaps, your spouse do, then, most likely, it will suck you deeper and deeper. And the nervous system may simply not be able to stand it: You yourself say that you are already “on the edge.” You need to slowly, gradually, step by step, get out of your imprisonment. Work is a way to forget for a while, but work is only part of life. Especially for a woman: we need a relationship with the man we love, with friends, with ourselves, in the end. It is better to work with a painful situation like yours personally. In addition, this will be another reason for you to “go out in public.” This may be a difficult path, but it is necessary to go through it in order to move on with life. A specialist will help you with this
Good answer 6 Bad answer 2Olga, I sincerely sympathize with your grief. There are no words that would not lose their meaning before a bereavement. Grief has its work (shock, numbness, denial, self-blame, suffering, resignation, acceptance). It takes time to overcome it. Not a single stage is missed. And it’s not just that the rituals of commemoration came about: 9 days, 40 days, six months, a year. The first 40 days are the hardest. At this time, you should not refuse the help of family and friends. Share your grief, don't isolate yourself. Let your loved ones share your burden. It won't get smaller, but it will be easier for you. Help your husband yourself, he also needs support and attention. If you cannot cope with an injury for more than 3 months, you should consider getting help from a specialist. The thought of a second child will definitely visit you, but this will happen when you simply want a child, and not replace one with another. And for this time will have to pass. And lastly: as long as we are alive, losses will accompany our lives, whether we want it or not. Don't look for meaning in the loss. He's not there. Don't blame yourself. You cannot live someone else's life, even if you gave this life yourself. For now, just live: minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. It takes time. For now, just believe: you will definitely feel better.
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Dear Olga! Life has dealt you and your husband a terrible blow, such grief cannot be helped and this pain will remain with you forever. Grief cannot be paused and must continue as long as necessary; such great grief can only be overcome by time. There is a widespread belief that there are no more dead. However, Martin Heidegger has other images on this matter. He says: something comes to light from the hidden into the manifest and then descends again into the hidden. The hidden is present here in an inherent hidden way. And it doesn’t disappear anywhere. It shows up and goes back down. You can say that the child died, or you can say that he returned to where he was before he was born. Is he good or bad there? Many religions say that the mental torment of the living does not allow the dead to go their way and does not allow the soul to calm down. The job of the living is to live, to find new meaning of your life. The deceased child will forever remain in the mother’s soul and with this presence can help her in later life. Everyone has their own path. It's not always easy. We often ask ourselves the question - why do we live? And we often answer it - for children, since a child always gives meaning to our lives. But children grow up and leave the family and we need to look for new meaning. Your child left you tragically early, and the problem of finding meaning has confronted you right now. Look for new meaning - it can be anywhere: in love for your husband, in work, in a new child, in caring for other people’s children or other people, but you never know what else a wise, educated, energetic woman who has experienced this can show herself in something that few people have had to endure. Look around you to see if your husband, for example, needs your care right now. After all, the fact that he is silent does not allow his grief to pour out. Maybe it's better to cry together? It’s far from being self-contained best way, you need to find the strength to talk about what is very difficult.
Good answer 4 Bad answer 0Good afternoon Your feelings are more than natural in this situation. It’s very difficult for you, it’s difficult to stay afloat, to support yourself, to live somehow. You need support. Your husband, apparently, is as bad as you. Outside support is needed. The best thing is to contact a specialist. If this is difficult for you, you can find support in religion, from a good confessor. You can come to any psychological help center. Try to overcome yourself and seek in-person support. Don't distance yourself from your friends. Of course, celebrations and noisy companies are not for you now. But go out into nature in a quiet small company, take a walk with someone in the park. This is difficult, however, try to do it. Remember - the severity of the experience will pass, no matter how it seems to you now. You need time and caring support. If work saves you, use it.
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I sympathize with you and your husband. Try to talk to your husband. Yes, it will cause tears, pain, a lot of emotions. Remember not only the moment of death, but all the moments of happiness and joy over these 6 years, plus another 9 months. pregnancy! For him, a child, this will be much more pleasant than constant grief. Do not suppress your pain inside yourself (psychosomatic pain will follow), it is important to BURN OUT the loss. Yes, loudly, violently (as far as possible according to your strength and emotions), talking about your love for him... Naturally, try not to use phrases like “why should I do this”, “it would be better for me”, “if only...” - it's ineffective. What happened was HIS, the child’s, fate. This may seem like a harsh statement to you, but... it is true. About the second child you accepted the right decision. For now, it's not worth it. It turns out that he will be born as if “in return” and with this feeling his life can be complicated. And after some time, when the pain decreases, the desire to simply give birth to a child will appear - it will be possible and great! It is not worth contacting psychologists until 40 days, but then it is advisable. You can properly grieve and find the strength to continue LIVING with the help of a professional. Good luck to you!
Good answer 2 Bad answer 1Dear Olga! There are no words to describe your pain. You can only feel it. And your letter is filled with feelings, a feeling of pain from loss, a feeling of love for your child, attitude towards your husband, etc. You have faced one of the most terrible trials - the loss of your child. Grief will not pass so quickly. And you realize this. In your condition, you and your husband need help, do not neglect it, and if possible, try to go through it with a specialist. From the letter you feel that you are driving yourself, that there are thoughts about death, about indifference. These are the calls that cannot be ignored and let go. As a rule, they don't lead to anything good. Try to save your family. Think that it’s just as hard for your husband as it is for you, and perhaps even harder, because... It is not customary for a man to express pain and emotions.
Good answer 8 Bad answer 1Olga, your loss is irreparable. The hardest thing in our world is to lose your child, especially for a woman. Fate has given you a terrible test. But, life goes on. Next to you is your husband, who is also experiencing this loss. You need to support each other now. Over time, the pain will subside a little and become easier. It's good that you have a job that helps you take your mind off things. You need to see a psychologist, this will help you cope with the loss easier. I sympathize with you with all my heart.
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