Grandparents: their role in raising children. The role of grandparents in the upbringing of grandchildren. Family traditions

Every young family with a small child develops its own history of communication with the older generation: someone is offended by the abundance of “valuable instructions” in the absence of real help, others do not allow grandmothers to influence children at all - it is rare when the story of family relations is truly happy and harmonious. How to build your line of behavior with grandparents in such a way as to minimize possible mutual insults without sacrificing parental authority - MedAboutMe will tell about this today.

Metamorphoses

It is no secret that many grandparents treat their grandchildren in a completely different way than they treat their own daughters and sons. One man can be transformed at the sight of his granddaughter, and instead of a previously negligent father, surprised relatives will see a caring grandfather, trembling over the cradle of a baby and happily walking the stroller twice a day. Or, in another case, the mother gave own daughter all her time and efforts twenty years ago, but when a grandson appeared in the house, she flatly refused to even sit with him sometimes, motivating her behavior with damage to personal plans and interests. It is impossible to predict what kind of transformation will happen to your relatives. But harbingers can appear already during pregnancy.

A woman, while carrying a baby, for the first time realizes an important thought that will accompany her in the future: she and only she is ultimately responsible for the child. Moreover, she was given the strongest maternal instinct to help. Although a young mother lacks experience, every second connection with the baby that arises with conception and does not stop after childbirth helps to understand and feel the state of the baby better than anyone else. In addition, times are changing, and the experience of previous generations may not be so relevant.

But what if the advice is delivered in an edifying tone that brooks no objection? It's time, even before the baby is born, to practice dotting the i's. Listen to everything your relatives want to tell you with a smile and calmness, but then do your own thing. Say that you have taken into account the opinion of not only your beloved relatives, but also pediatricians, teachers, psychologists and other competent specialists. Do not be afraid to hurt or offend someone - after all, grandmothers most of all want to express their opinion, in this way express their love for you and the child. It is highly undesirable to enter into tedious discussions and bickering now - any exciting moments can negatively affect your health, take care of your strength.

To paraphrase the wise Christian Saint Theophan the Recluse, there is no warmer place on earth than grandmothers. For grandchildren, grandparents are very necessary and important. What is their role? And if they should participate in the upbringing of the child, how much?

Teacher Dmitry Tyutterin gives the following analogy: just as for a sports team there is a difference between the support of fans and the instructions of the head coach, the difference between the older generation and parents is approximately the same. The tactics of the game and the general strategy of training are set by the coach, he is also responsible for the result of the game (or education, in the case of parents). Fans may worry about the team or admire success, but losing or winning will not be their personal achievements.

What is the most valuable thing in a relationship with a "woman" and "grandfather"? Absolute acceptance! Wise over the years, they understand that for a person it may not be so important what temporarily seems paramount: an interview, a deuce, unhappy love, dismissal and other “little things in life”. When a child grows up, an important axiom can slip out of sight: the most valuable thing that parents can give is support, this is time spent together. As rational and active beings, parents rush to solve the “problem”, sometimes forgetting about the feelings of a little person. And here to help - "ambulance psychological help”, - grandmothers or grandfathers come.

Meanwhile, it is precisely the fact that they are not fully responsible for the fate of the child, which facilitates the contact between grandparents and the baby. To some extent, this explains the very transformation of a previously unlucky father into a loving and caring grandfather - he can happily play and mess around with his grandson and no one will strictly ask him.

Unmet expectations

Psychologists do not get tired of repeating for those mothers who want to “throw off” part of their worries on grandmothers: “The vassal of my vassal is not my vassal!” As soon as the mother understands that the grandmother, by and large, is not obliged to help, the degree of resentment immediately decreases and you can more calmly assess the situation - any help will be accepted with joy and gratitude. We repeat again, “my mother’s mother is not my mother”, her status is fundamentally different and it is not entirely productive to expect a maternal instinct from her. The less we expect and expect help, the more the family becomes mutual love.

Psychologist Olga Krasnikova puts forward a completely revolutionary slogan: “Grandmothers are free!” For emergency cases (for example, my mother became seriously ill), such a thesis, of course, is not appropriate - the expectations of help from relatives are undeniable here. But in everyday life, it is understood that young mother and father have sufficient resources of time and effort to raise a child.

Consider another situation: do not feed your mother-in-law or mother-in-law with bread, let her command. How to be? And you need to be firm in your parental positions. If the father sees that the introduction of grandmothers into the life of the family goes beyond reasonable limits, this intervention should be limited by a strong-willed decision. Because this situation is dangerous, firstly, by the shaken parental authority and the "nerves" of the mother, and, secondly, by a change in the tactics of the behavior of mothers and fathers. Under the influence of screams and instructions, young parents themselves can psychologically return to immature behavior - to begin to be afraid, to sacrifice the interests of the child. And this is not the right sacrifice. Parents must be honored and respected, but not allowed to "take power into their own hands" - communication on neutral territory on holidays in this case will be quite enough.

In addition to the above, let us note: good grandpa and grandmother are those people who support respect and love for their parents in children. Despite the fact that parents may be far from ideal.

What do you think, what is the ideal relationship between parents and grandmothers, should one listen to the advice of the older generation and how to properly communicate with grandparents in front of children? Let's discuss it on the forum!

Expert comment

Sergey Lang, psychologist

In the upbringing of a child, the main role is played, of course, by parents, but grandparents also make a significant contribution to their development. In the lives of many children, they occupy almost the same important place as mom and dad. However, sometimes the degree of influence on the child of grandparents becomes excessive, and this influence itself can seriously conflict with the parent. What should parents do in such a case? How to keep peace in the family, but also not to let grandparents become more important for children than their parents?

The role of grandparents in raising a child

A similar problem occurs in many families, because for most children, grandparents evoke a range of warm feelings and a lot of respect. This is explained by the fact that they often indulge children with care, treats, gifts and affection, and much less often scold parents and use harsh methods of education in relation to children. At the same time, quite often outlooks on life, the world and the upbringing of children by grandparents turns out to be a little outdated or even misguided. In addition, there is always a danger that grandparents will suddenly become more authoritative for the child than the parents. Of course, this should not be allowed, but adults should maintain and maintain warm relations between their children and parents.

The most important thing is that grandparents understand that the dominant position in the upbringing of their grandchildren still belongs to the parents. Since for our parents we always remain children, even when we ourselves are already parents, they often believe that they know everything better than us and can decide some important issues for us, including those related to education. It is necessary to explain to them that these are your children, and only you decide how to raise them, and if you need help or advice, you yourself turn to them.

In the event that such problems nevertheless arise, adults should solve them among themselves. There is no need to involve a child in this, since in such situations he acts in accordance with the actions of adults. Parents should take the initiative and discuss the overall parenting strategy with grandparents. It is necessary to convey to them that their educational attitudes should in no case be at odds with yours. If they do not agree with what you put into the child, it is necessary to discuss this among themselves and come to a common opinion, but not contradict each other.

The main rule that needs to be established in the family so that the authority of grandparents in the eyes of children is not inferior to yours is that they should never criticize you in the presence of a child. Very often they do not see the line that cannot be crossed, and sometimes they can directly or indirectly tell the child that the parents are wrong and in some situations they should not be listened to. Such actions can have a very negative impact on the educational process, so this should not be allowed in any case. Parents should discuss this point with grandparents if necessary.

So that peace and harmony reign in the family, and children grow up happy and kind people, the whole family, including parents, grandparents and other relatives, should act as one friendly team, showing the child an example of family closeness, mutual respect and warmth. Therefore, it is very important that you have a good relationship with your parents. If you have grievances against each other, unresolved disagreements, I advise you to talk about it and part with these negative moments once and for all - then your parents will reckon with you in matters of raising grandchildren and there will be no problems with them.

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Introduction

parenting generation

From type family education and the type of parental authority prevailing in a given family largely depends on such an important aspect of family education as the quality of relationships that determine the continuity of generations in the family. Long gone are large patriarchal families headed by the elders of the clan. The life of the family depended on them, they ruled, decided, punished and encouraged. Each member of this tribal community could be calm about their future. Young couples gave birth to children who were cared for and raised by representatives of the older generation. And those, in turn, could not worry about their old age, because they lived in big family with several family branches. Weak old people were under the supervision of grown grandchildren. We do not undertake to discuss whether this is good or bad. One thing is clear: the modern family tends to separate from its parents and create its own autonomous territory. Bordovskaya N., Rean A. Pedagogy. M.: Education, 1997.

But generations were, are and will be in the family biography, and the question of relationships in this complex structure is relevant to this day. What is the role of modern grandparents in the upbringing of grandchildren? In our opinion, it is huge. And absolutely regardless of whether they all live together, as one family, or separately. There are other aspects at play here.

The purpose of this work: to reveal the role of grandparents in family education

The object of this theoretical study is the influence of grandparents on family education

The subject is the role of this influence on the child and intra-family relations in general.

upbringing family grandmother

1. Relationships between generations. The problem of fathers and children

The older generation - carriers and keepers family values and traditions. Their relationship to the child is completely different than mother and father. This is facilitated by a certain psychological freedom that the older generation has. After all, they were engaged in raising their children in difficult times, because they had to be torn between work, home and the hobbies of youth. Not always receiving help from their parents, many of them said: “We will help our children with the upbringing of their children!” And the experience of raising their own children gives them reason to think that they know better how to treat a small grandson or granddaughter.

Let's try to trace the role of grandparents in the upbringing of grandchildren. Here, first of all, the emphasis that arises in the family when the third generation is born in it is important. Scientists have noticed that the conflict that arises in families where there is an older generation does not affect grandmothers and grandchildren. It is localized between old and young parents. It is based on different motives. This may be disagreement with the pedagogy of parents, both on the part of the older generation and on the part of the middle. It might just be jealousy. Representatives of generations compete in love for a child. Often young parents are jealous of their child to their parents. Many mothers, discussing these relationships, complain that the child, as it seems to them, loves the grandmother more. This is expressed in the fact that as soon as she comes to visit, the grandson or granddaughter does not leave her, fawns over her, tries to spend the whole day with her grandmother or grandfather, or with both of them.

It seems to us that these arguments, as well as others relating to the sphere of education, must be deployed precisely in the direction of the child. Let's try to understand it. Understand the motives of his actions, the origins of his attitude to the world. In this case, the mother needs to analyze her attitude towards the child. Ask yourself the main parental question: “Have I done everything to make the child comfortable in the house?” And the speech in this case is not about the fact that the child is dressed and fed. The main thing is not this. The main thing is understanding the child, accepting his secrets and children's concerns.

The child intuitively understands that the presence of a grandmother in the house predetermines the harmony of relations between family members. Why does the arrival of a grandmother cause violent emotions in a child? Yes, because his parents have only Saturday or Sunday for him. And the grandmother is interested in everything in her granddaughter or grandson. She, by virtue of wisdom and lived years, has great calmness and patience. This allows you to listen to the child, discuss his problems with him, hug, caress, feed him a delicious pie and finally take him to the zoo.

I don't want to be unfair to young parents. Of course, they, again due to the lack of the same wisdom and patience, want to do everything quickly. Have time for everything. Of course, they love their child, but the fast pace of life, like a fast train, carries them past his sorrows and worries. In addition, one important thing should not be forgotten. This is for children, all grandparents are native people. For a young family, they are father-in-law and mother-in-law or mother-in-law and father-in-law. And this is a completely different level of relationships. And human passions tear these couples apart. Daughters-in-law accuse mothers-in-law of setting their children against them, undermining parental authority. Mothers-in-law are offended that they do not trust the child, that they do not take into account their worldly experience. Often these conflicts are based on elementary jealousy. To whom? Yes, to anyone - to a son, grandson, granddaughter, daughter, husband. In this case, the child often becomes a "member of the military alliance" of one kind, then another. It is known that the attitude of grandparents towards their grandchildren is influenced by the mentality of the people, the state in which they grew up and in which they live. Likhachev B.T. Pedagogy. Course of lectures: Proc. allowance for students ped. textbook institutions and students of IPK and FPC. - M.: Enlightenment, 2008

Europeans and Americans, as a rule, try not to interfere in the upbringing process, giving this privilege and responsibility to young parents. Moreover, young people have been living for quite a long time, as a rule, away from their parents, “at their own home”. The Russian mentality is completely different. Often our grandparents teach and take care not only of grandchildren and granddaughters, but also of sons and daughters. Although, in fact, they, forty years old, probably would like to feel freedom. In many ways, such relations are determined by cohabitation, due to the lack of funds for a separate apartment for a young family. But even if the grandmother lives separately, she often tries to control the actions of a young family. Of course, such an important aspect in the life of a young family as the upbringing of a child also falls under this control. On the other hand, young parents are often happy to “throw” their child into familiar warm hugs. Why not? After all, they are grandparents. They love us and our children and, accordingly, are practically obliged to take care of their grandchildren. Such ambiguous relationships in families where several generations live are not uncommon.

Certainly, the best option- live separately from parents and meet with them on holidays, calendar and family days. At the same time, it does not matter at all whether these three generations live together or separately. Separate residence of grandparents does not at all reduce the love of grandchildren for them. proper upbringing by the parents.

2. Features of "grandmother's" education

However, helping parents raise their grandchildren and raising them on their own are far from the same thing. How does the psychology of a child change, as well as that of grandparents, who bear full responsibility for raising a child left without parental care? From the perspective of a child, grandparents are perceived as parents. It is difficult to determine the age at which parental replacement will become less painful. The attitude and character of the child will be made up of how ready the older generation is for such a replacement. Everything depends on them. If they perceive a child as a huge responsibility, such an attitude can do harm. The responsibility should be the same as that of any parent. Each of us is responsible for our children, but at the same time we do not forget about our personal lives and personal interests. The second parents should also behave: not total control and the desire to make a person out of the child, but love, care and the opportunity for the child to simply live.

During the years of work at the school, I had to work not only with my parents, but also with my grandparents. And of course, everyone has a different attitude to raising children. Rozhkov M.I., Baiborodova L.V. Theory and methodology of education. M.: ed. Vlados.2011.

Conventionally, grandparents can be divided into five types.

“Tyrant” is an authority that declares categorically: do what I say, because I know better. Many parents do not want to communicate with such grandparents and protect their children from them, since such an onslaught is very difficult to withstand. Tyranny brings up excessive obedience and dependence in a child.

“Computer” is a person who constantly teaches, evaluates everything. It is difficult to communicate with such a person, especially for a child. This type of grandmother dominates, strains, not fulfilling her direct duty - to teach to be a compromise.

A “martyr” is an altruist, for whom the most important thing is to serve his neighbor. “Do not pay attention to me, the main thing is that everything is fine with you,” such grandparents often say. Such people have appropriate behavior with their grandchildren, which has consequences in the form of a spoiled child who is allowed everything in the world.

A “buddy” is a person who indulges in games and pranks, does not recognize any responsibility. “I couldn't help it. This is such a child for you, ”such grandparents justify themselves when parents accuse them of not looking after a child who“ walked on its head ”. "Buddies" soon get tired of the pranks of a growing child, and they cannot find an alternative to them.

"Guide and guide" - a reasonable person who knows all the pitfalls, so boldly leads the child along the path of life. But at a certain moment, when he feels that the child can do something on his own, he will step aside and give him the opportunity to express himself. A person wisely and sensibly knows how to balance the methods of education, harmonizing relations with the child. In other words, such a person remains flexible, which allows the grandson to be different, to train, trying himself in different roles. Selivanov V.S. Fundamentals of general pedagogy: Theory and methods of education. M.: Academy. 2004

Probably, most mothers and fathers wondered: “Is it possible to trust aging parents to raise children, will they spoil the child?”. I think that there is no problem of fathers and children, there is a lack of communication culture in the family, inability and unwillingness to understand another. It's not about settings or patterns that grandmothers spoil and pamper, but about the ability to hear and accept each other. For grandparents, this is the ability to accept their children and grandchildren and not realize their expectations in them. For moms and dads - the ability to be indulgent and tolerant (tolerant) in relation to old age. Therefore, the issue of upbringing by grandmothers is connected, first of all, with the psychology of old age - how much a person ages and how his inner world changes.

Here are the three most common situations.

1. Grandmother takes care of herself and does not take part in the upbringing of her grandchildren. When children ask to sit with their grandson for at least an hour, the grandmother has urgent business. It is possible that at one time this grandmother was not helped by her parents in raising children either, so she pays her children in the same coin. But we must remember that such an order in the family system is not forever and not for all generations. As far as parents are able to tell their grandmother that they need her, that she is an integral part of the family, she will have a desire to take part in the upbringing of her grandchildren, an understanding that grandchildren are joy, and not a reason for another quarrel.

2. Grandparents are evil. Often there are families in which children are removed from their parents, because at one time they suffered grief from them. They are sure that communication with a drunken grandmother and a tyrant grandfather is nothing good baby won't bring. How to proceed? You can protect yourself from frequent communication with such a grandmother, but respect and the ability to accept her with all her weaknesses and shortcomings must be formed. You need to say to yourself: “Yes, as a mother, I don’t like this, but my grandmother is part of my personal history, rejecting her - we reject ourselves.” Hiding a child from her husband's parents and from him is also characteristic of divorced women. With this method, they only achieve that they form in the child an ostrich complex that hides its head in difficult situation. The way out of a conflict situation can be different: give in, compromise or cooperate, run away from the conflict.

3. It happens that grandparents try to replace living parents. The daughter’s family life did not work out with the child’s father, but then he turned up good man. Grandmother suggests: let me take the child, and you build your life and don't worry. Thus, the grandmother shifts the responsibility for raising the child to herself. This is an erroneous attitude - everyone should have their own responsibility.

3. Family values. The educational role of grandparents

So, the most important thing is to correctly build interaction between generations. The presence in the family of traditions, on which the middle generation grew up, will “tie” them to the parental home, to the parental marina, better than any forceful desires of parents.

Family traditions This is the litmus test of any family. She shows the atmosphere that is so necessary for the child. The customs of the family, the way of life, the habits of family members - all this creates the aroma of the family, which grown children take with them, and it warms their hearts away from their home. Ordinary, simple things can act as traditions - Sunday tea parties with one or another mother, celebrating the birthdays of family members, with the preparation of performances or decorations for the house. When several generations of a family gather at the same table, children clearly understand and learn family values.

Traditions are the best educator of a child. Since they give the most important thing to the child - the confidence that it will always be so, that the family will always, under any conditions, gather, and everyone will be together. Traditions form a “bank” of extraordinary memories of childhood, the tender hands of the mother, the face of the grandmother, the cheerful disposition of the father and grandfather. He will carry these memories throughout his life. They will make you feel proud of your family. And, of course, a child who grew up on traditions that unite different generations of the family will never leave his grandparents in difficult moments of their lives.

Creating family traditions is work. They don't need a lot. A few of the most interesting traditions you can safely introduce into your family's everyday life. After all, the attitude of children to their parents in the future largely depends on this. The continuity of generations is such a guarantee that in the moments when parents need the help of their children, they will receive it. The "return" of parental investments is ensured not only by the creation and maintenance of family traditions. If a spirit of mutual respect reigns in the family, if adults honor their parents and form respect for grandparents in a child, then it is difficult to imagine a more reliable “investment” of feelings. Well, if a child grows up in an atmosphere of disrespect for the older generation, then let the parents not console themselves with the fact that their little blood will treat them differently. They, they say, deserve a good attitude. This is where the law of reciprocity comes into play. What you put in is what you get!

At the end of the conversation about educational role grandmothers and grandfathers, I would like to once again note the positive actions towards them that representatives of the middle generation - mothers and fathers - can demonstrate. They influence the development of the child, since the position of the parents in relation to their parents forms the basic psychological skeleton. This is cooperation, co-creation in the education of all family members. Mutual understanding, mutual support, formed in a child from an early age, will certainly affect the quality of his relationships not only with the older generation, but also with peers in the future. Tolerance towards the parents of the husband or wife will also be present. Rozhkov M.I., Baiborodova L.V. Theory and methodology of education. M.: ed. Vlados.2011.

We must not forget that the child does not understand the complexities of family tribal relationships. It is necessary to remember the differences in worldview and psychological reaction to the realities of modern life that the older generation demonstrates, and treat this with respect and understanding.

It's no secret that many grandparents spoil their grandchildren and allow them much more than their parents. They do not always show high results of education. But these are members of the family clan! And, accordingly, it is necessary to learn how to calmly resolve the emerging conflict situations. Moreover, shouting, swearing or grumbling will not change anything. It is necessary to learn how to cultivate warm relationships of mutual support and care in the family. To do this, it is necessary to focus parental attention on the desired behavior of the child. It is possible to negotiate with grandparents if, in the opinion of parents, they interfere too much in the autonomy of education. After all, these are the children of their parents, not the older generation. For them, they are grandchildren, and this is already the “second row”. And the older generation also needs to be tolerant of the requirements of parents regarding the upbringing of their children! The main thing in family education is the unity of the requirements of all family members. The requirements must be reasonable and reflect the living conditions of the whole family, in all its generations. Both the young couple and the elderly need to achieve the fulfillment of the requirements for the child, without encroaching on his honor and dignity. Such harmony will only benefit the child. He will learn to love his parents, and his grandparents, and just the people around him. Such love will help the child adapt to the world and make his life outside the family hearth happy and worthy.

Conclusion

When we talk about raising children, the main role, of course, is given to parents - moms and dads. But important role other close relatives - grandparents - also play in the formation and development of the personality. Whether they live with their family or not, their impact on children is significant. First of all, this is the help that grandparents provide, taking care of them while their parents are at work; take care of them when they are sick. Thus, to a large extent, they help to relieve tension and overload of parents.

Nowadays, there are a lot of families in which children left without parental care are raised by grandparents, families where grandmothers take care of raising their grandchildren, when parents work from morning until late at night. How do our parents influence our children?

Many mothers and fathers believe that our parents are not capable of raising their grandchildren, that they only spoil the child, allowing him liberties. In my opinion, this is a stereotype that has little to do with reality. After all, it is not by chance that people say that a person becomes a real parent only with the advent of grandchildren. Against the background of wisdom, worldly experience that appear over the years, we begin to accept the child unconditionally, without trying to realize through him our understanding of what a son or daughter should be like. Most often, it is grandparents who give self-confidence, adequate acceptance of life.

Education is a trial and error method, but first of all it is knowledge, as well as the ability to apply this knowledge in practice. We don’t need special education, we need to help our children grow and develop. And the most successful result will be obtained if respect, trust, and understanding of two generations reign - the older and the younger.

Bibliography

1. Bordovskaya N., Rean A. Pedagogy. M.: Education, 1997.

2. Likhachev B.T. Pedagogy. Course of lectures: Proc. allowance for students ped. textbook institutions and students of IPK and FPC. - M.: Enlightenment, 2008

3. Makarenko A.S. About education - M.; Politizdat, 1990.

4. Malenkova L.I. Education in the modern school. - M.: Publishing House "Moosphere", 2009

5. Rozhkov M.I., Baiborodova L.V. Theory and methodology of education. M.: ed. Vlados.2011.

6. Selivanov V.S. Fundamentals of general pedagogy: Theory and methods of education. M.: Academy. 2004

7. Encyclopedia of Brockhaus and Efron. -- S.-Pb.: Brockhaus-Efron. 2005.

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Teenage pressure.

Pressure jumps due to the fact that physiological growth does not correspond to growth internal organs. Consult a doctor - he will prescribe therapy aimed at strengthening blood vessels, vitamin therapy, and moderate physical activity.

Childhood without a grandmother is like winter without snow or New Year without a tree. It so happened that my sister and I had three grandmothers at once. Each grandmother had her own role. One knitted socks and baked pies, adored us and forgave everything. The second grandmother (father's aunt) taught English language and life wisdom. And the third, a young and fashionable grandmother, gave beautiful dresses and told funny stories of her youth. My sister and I had the happiest childhood, for which thanks not only to grandmothers, but also to parents who managed to find the right balance between “grandmother's pampering” and “parental severity”.

Growing up, I realized that such harmony is achieved, alas, not for everyone. There are several "typical" scenarios for the development of relations between three generations.

Scenario 1. Overprotective grandma

A “hyper-caring” grandmother, who knows exactly what is good and what is bad, often seeks to take on the role of parents.

In such families, young parents expect from their grandmothers both unlimited help and “non-interference” in family affairs. Mistakes that cause further conflicts come from both generations. Old people take on too much responsibility, push their parents away, compete with them for the love of their grandchildren. Young parents do not dot the i's, they seem to be playing a double game, that is, they use the services of their parents, but instead of gratitude, they feel resentment towards them for " wrong upbringing» their children.

Grandmothers make childhood childhood

There are times when a young mother does something in raising a child in spite of her mother, to spite her. Sometimes a grandmother (be it a mother or mother-in-law) deliberately belittles the role of the mother in the eyes of the baby, who becomes a hostage to a hidden struggle. Jealousy and competition for the love of the child play a key role in such unhealthy relationships.

The most unpleasant thing is that children very quickly and deftly begin to feel such a situation and benefit from it. A friend of mine told me about a similar situation in the family. As soon as her daughter was called to discipline at home, she appealed to the "kind" grandmother and asked her to take her to her. The same applies to "excessive" gifts. Everything that the mother did not allow to buy - the grandmother gladly acquired for the child.

Scenario two. Retired Grandma

In some families, grandparents play almost no role in the upbringing of children. Sometimes this happens due to long distances. It happens that the mother-in-law does not like the daughter-in-law and does not want to communicate with her son's children.

My friend, who lives in the USA, complained to me about her mother: “Instead of sitting with my child, she works from morning to evening, and also writes her blog at night.” My girlfriend's mom loving grandmother, however, the circumstances of her life do not allow her to leave work and take care of her grandchildren.

Scenario three. "Modern Grandmother"

My mother is an example of such a modern grandmother. She is a young, working woman with her own interests and personal time. My daughter loves to visit her grandmother. And not only because she will always give a beautiful dress or doll, but because it is interesting to communicate with her grandmother. As a teacher, she can find an approach to children. And the kids are never bored with her.

A “modern grandmother” will take a child with her on a hike or to an exhibition in a museum instead of cooking soups and compotes all day long.

A grandmother who lives a full life has enough of everything. She does not seek to occupy a “parental” niche in the lives of children, she is satisfied with the role of a beloved and respected grandmother, respected for her lifestyle, and not for “giving everything” to her grandchildren.

Scenario 4. Compromise

Imagine a situation where relations between generations are friendly, and the baby visits his beloved grandparents at least once a week. However, when he comes home after another portion of "grandmother's care" and "grandfather's pampering", he becomes uncontrollable. It is difficult for the child to cope with the situation. Everything that was possible at a party suddenly became impossible at home. How to explain to a kid who is right without questioning the authority of the older generation?

If grandmothers love children with the wisdom inherent in their years and do not try to replace their parents, all three generations become happy.

The example of my sister is remarkable in this sense. When her eldest son was two years old, she went to work, and the baby spent his days with one of the grandmothers. And so my sister decided that while the child is visiting, grandmothers dictate the rules, they themselves decide what to feed the boy, what to wear for a walk, what time to put to bed. When the baby comes home, the game begins according to the rules of mom and dad. As soon as the child is aware of such a balance of power and accepts it, it becomes easier for him. Psychologists are convinced that when faced with this in early childhood, it is much easier for children to accept new orders in later life situations.

Grandparents as keepers of traditions

Psychologists say that children raised by grandmothers are more successful, responsive and emotional. They know better what morality, happiness, friendship are.

Grandparents not only tell stories, they are living family history. “They say that there is some kind of “mystical connection” between the elderly and children: the fairy tale told by the grandfather is much more interesting than the same one told by the father,” says Elena Kazantseva http://shkolazhizni.ru/archive/0 /n-43036/

As a little girl, I loved listening to my grandmothers' stories about their military youth. Two of my grandmothers served on the labor front. I loved hearing about their childhood in the 20s.

Sometimes it seems that their practical experience is outdated - they are slow and do not know how to the latest technologies. Sometimes their statements seem ridiculous or naive. However, it is grandmothers who teach respect for elders, respect for the past, the past of the family, culture, and country.

Psychology of family and family education.

Topic: "Grandparents (grandparents) in the system of family relations."

The historical aspect of the relationship between the older and younger generations.

In the so-called traditional societies, the image of a person of the older generation was closely connected with the category of life experience, its gradual accumulation and transmission to the young. Customs, traditions, continuity, heritage - all these mechanisms of social life imply respect for ancestors and high authority of elders. However, the nature of relations between generations does not remain unchanged. Especially significant changes occurred in the second half of the 20th century.

The famous American ethnographer M. Mead proposes to distinguish three historical types of cultures:postfigurative, cofigurative and prefigurative.In a post-figurative culture (traditional, patriarchal), changes occur so slowly and gradually that grandfathers, holding newborn grandchildren in their hands, imagine their future in the image of their own past. The representative of the older generation in such a society is "a complete pattern of life as it is", lived by him - a blueprint for the future for his children. The relationship of the age groups is clearly regulated, everyone knows their place.

The pace of development of modern society is rapid. In a world where the future is unknown, the knowledge and experience of elders often cannot find application, and sometimes even become harmful due to completely changed conditions, circumstances, laws. Rather, a person is forced to take into account the opinions of scientists, to focus on the views and behavior of his contemporaries; both children and adults learn from their peers, and even more than that, adults learn from their children. The authority of the elders can no longer serve as the main support for the young.

Events that irreversibly changed the relationship of man to the natural world and to man (computerization, nuclear energy, global informatization, discoveries in the field of genetics up to the cloning of living beings, space exploration and weapons of mass destruction) led to a break in the continuity of life, to a conflict between generations.

In the XX century. In the context of increasing average life expectancy, a new historical situation has emerged of the real coexistence of adult children and their elderly and old parents for quite some time. long period(about one and a half times longer than in the 19th century). Society is faced with the need to develop new norms of relations between people of different generations. Recognition of the authority and wisdom of elders, respect for their experience should be complemented by an awareness of the value of innovation. Only a counter movement will make it possible to come to a meaningful dialogue between generations, to mutual understanding.

An elderly Russian, our contemporary, is very concerned about the life and fate of his children and grandchildren, considers their problems his own. The statements of the older generation indicate that they are involved in the problems of loved ones, often correlate the goals and plans of their lives with the events of younger ones (“I want to help take care of my grandchildren”, “I want to save money for my grandson’s education”, “live to see my granddaughter’s wedding ").

And this can be regarded as a favorable fact. When analyzing and characterizing your own I-concepts an elderly person can often be found describing children and grandchildren, stories about their lives, focusing on their successes and achievements. This orientation maintains perspective personal development, promotes awareness of the value of one's self. Reorientation to intra-family relations is a natural step mental life an elderly person (I. F. Shakhmatov, 1996). The organization of family life, the choice of the form of daily employment constitute the main content of life at this stage. The processes of incorporation, which consist in locking on the interests of a narrow social space (family), can be one of the mechanisms for adapting an elderly person to the current situation (O.V. Krasnova, 2000).

And what about the family, the close social environment? Does it offer its senior member psychological support, providing a living space for self-fulfillment, creating new meanings for life beyond the professional role? There is no single answer. Many older people cannot say anything definite at all about what is expected of them in the family. Others perceive the expectations of their families, directed at them, as household support, as help around the house and practically do not mention the relevance of their life experience, their personal qualities.

It is known that in a modern urbanized society the status of homework is low, it is often perceived as something imposed from the outside, and for modern older people such self-realization is insufficient and does not bring satisfaction. The question of choosing a way of life, self-determination in old age, including a worthy place in the family structure, remains open.

Communication between older and younger generations in society and family

as a mechanism of psychological heritage.

Carl Gustav Jung was one of the first to turn to the idea of understanding the unconscious sphere of the human psyche as a vital source of wisdom, norms, values, and rules. He considered"collective unconscious"as one of the components of the structure of the human personality. This deep layer of personality is a repository of memory traces of our historical ancestors, and, perhaps, not only people, but even more ancient evolutionary predecessors. The "collective unconscious" is hereditarily predetermined and the same for all mankind, it contains archetypes - the primary models of perception and behavior. The existence of such structures is confirmed, according to Jung, by the striking similarity of symbols in the pictorial and literary works of different times and peoples, fairy tales, myths, and legends. Mental images of the "collective unconscious" encourage people to respond to individual events in a similar way; they are often reflected in dreams.

Although Jung's ideas about the existence of the "collective unconscious" and the archetypes that make it up do not yet lend themselves to empirical verification, interest in them from modern psychologists, philosophers, and theologians is not weakening.

In turn, the Swiss psychologist A. Zondi speaks of the "generic unconscious" as a form of mental heredity. In life, a person strives to realize the claims of his ancestors - parents, grandfathers, great-grandfathers. Their influence is especially pronounced, according to the author, at important moments of life that have a fateful character: when a person makes his professional choice or is looking for a job, a life partner. Thus, solving critical issues self-determination, he is not completely “free”, because in his person he represents the clan, his ancestors, who delegated “assignments” to him. However, this does not mean that the fate of a person is rigidly programmed and it remains only to follow some instinctive impulses. A person can overcome imposed tendencies, rely on his own internal reserves and build his own destiny consciously.

Close ideas about the role"parent programming"in the fate of a person is developed by the American psychotherapist E. Bern. Describing various options the influence of the family, its individual members on the personality of the child, he uses the concept-metaphor “scenario”: “A scenario is a gradually unfolding life plan that is formed ... even in early childhood, mainly under the influence of parents. This mental

impulse from great strength pushes a person forward, towards his fate, and very often regardless of his resistance or free choice”1 (italics ours. - E.S.). This is a kind of unconscious acceptance by the child of the prescriptive "image" of the future adult life- the fate of the "winner" or "loser", "loser". The origins of many life scenarios, according to Berne, lie not even in the parental family, but in earlier generations. The author was able to trace the transmission of the script over five generations (we are talking about the “winner” script in the specific version “My son will be a doctor”).

It is very important, according to Berne, what exactly a person knows about his grandparents and great-grandparents, what feelings he has towards them. Already a simple remark or a story about ancestors may indicate the nature of the "scenario prescriptions" that a person follows. “My ancestors were Irish kings” - this phrase can be uttered solemnly and ceremoniously, or maybe with irony (“I am as much a drunkard as one of them”); and behind every judgment, analysis reveals some interpretation of a meaningful past.

Feelings towards ancestors vary:

Pride in outstanding ancestors without any hope of surpassing their accomplishments;

Idealization (romantic or paradoxical, focusing on one, peculiarly snatched out, trait - “a cheerful old woman”);

Rivalry.

In general, grandparents are more intensely felt than parents: "grandparents are treated with reverence or horror, while parents are admired or feared."

Without dwelling on the details of the mechanism of early programming of a life scenario, we emphasize that when studying the problem of family education, not only direct effects on the child should be taken into account, but also more general ideas of the child about his relatives and friends.

N. Pezeshkian, the founder of positive psychotherapy, is confident in the importance of a person's psychological "heritage" and the importance of origin as a factor of identity. He uses the concept"family concepts", which determine the rules of relations to people and things: from one generation to another, it is not so much material goods that are transferred as strategies for processing conflicts and the formation of symptoms, the structure of the worldview and the structure of attitudes that pass from parents to children. Concepts originate in the critical experiences of one of the family members, in religious and philosophical ideas, take root, assimilate children and are again transmitted to the next generation of children. Examples of family concepts: “What people will say”, or “Accuracy is half of life”, “Nothing comes easy”, “Loyalty to death”, “Achievements, honesty, frugality”, etc. Partially they are realized and formulated by the carrier in in a compressed form in the form of favorite sayings, instructions to children, comments on situations: “Be faithful and honest, but show what you are capable of” or “We should have everything, like in the best houses.” For the most part, however, they remain unconscious and act implicitly.

The study of the history of family concepts correlates with the concepts of "historical consciousness", "rootedness", "absence of roots", "collective past". Desires, demands, grievances, actions that look unmotivated today, make sense in the context of family concepts stretching into the past. When the social and family situation changes radically, the old program no longer meets current needs. Family members accumulate problems, tasks, fears, obsessive rituals and addictions until one of them breaks the vicious circle with active intervention. Therefore, one of the most important principles of positive family psychotherapy by N. Pezeshkian is the principle of establishing a connection between family tradition, identity and human problems. The construction of a "conceptual family tree" is seen as effective remedy identifying significant topics and setting goals in therapy that involves several generations (parents, grandparents, and sometimes great-grandmothers, great-grandfathers).

In Russian psychology, E. G. Eidemiller and V. V. Yustitskis considerpathological familial inheritancecharacteristic of dysfunctional families as the formation, fiction and transmission of emotional-behavioral response from Ancestors to parents, from parents to children, grandchildren, etc. rigid, irrational, rigidly interconnected beliefs, borrowed from the representatives of the older generation, form a personality incapable of adaptation, suffering from borderline neuropsychiatric disorders.

It can be noted with regret that so far it is the phenomena of the distorting influence of unconscious determinants on behavior that are attracting more attention of specialists. young man, the phenomenon of "negative" psychological inheritance. Perhaps this is due to the fact that psychologists and psychotherapists are primarily interested in people who have not resolved their internal conflicts and are in a state of crisis.

Personal relationships of the grandparents of their children and grandchildren.

The impact of grandparents on junior members families, their contribution to the educational potential of the family is difficult to assess unambiguously. Complex and contradictory relationships sometimes connect parents and their adult children and grandchildren. Psychological climate in the family and the nature of the influence on the child depend on the quality of these relationships. For example, the one-sided dominance of the mother in the family, and even more so of the maternal grandmother, acts as a factor that increases the likelihood of neurotic disorders in children.

The acquisition of a new intra-family role (the role of grandparents) is accompanied by a significant restructuring of the existing hierarchy of relationships, the search for harmony in the emerging social role and existing roles (for women, the role of wife, mother, mother-in-law or mother-in-law), which often contradict each other: development of a new internal personal position.

The optimal readiness of grandparents is to recognize their own special role. Ancestors understand the value of grandchildren, the appearance of which means a new stage in their life path, increases social prestige, lengthens life prospects, and creates new sources of life satisfaction. Along with providing some assistance - household, material, grandparents act as a link between the past and present of the family, pass on traditions and proven values, surround their grandchildren with truly unconditional love. The immaturity, unpreparedness of the forefathers is expressed in rum, that they generally refuse a new position, defend themselves against it (“your child”, “no one helped us either”) or, on the contrary, “with enthusiasm and zeal” seize, usurp parent role depriving her young parents.

A. S. Spivakovskayagives examples of two types of grandmothers who did not find a successful combination of roles: “grandmother-victim” and “grandmother-rival”.

"Victim Grandmother"perceives the role of a grandmother as central to herself, shouldering the burden of household and educational concerns, abandoning professional activities, significantly limiting friendly contacts and leisure. Having made caring for her family, children and grandchildren the meaning of her existence, sacrificing other aspects of her personal life, this woman periodically experiences conflicting feelings, including dissatisfaction with loved ones, resentment for insufficient gratitude on their part, longing and irritation. The characteristic position of the grandchildren of such a grandmother is love for her and at the same time dependence, the habit of guardianship and control, difficulties in self-control and communication with other children.

"Grandma Rival", at first glance, more rationally combines his diverse duties, continues to work, devoting weekends and holidays to his grandchildren. The unconscious tendency of her progenitorship is to compete with her daughter or daughter-in-law to be a better, more successful "mother" to her grandson. In this case, there is a search for mistakes and mistakes of the child's parents, and all successes in education are attributed to herself, although sometimes there is a feeling of guilt and remorse for intransigence towards her own adult children. Grandchildren catch the conflict in the relationship of adult family members and either blame themselves for this, acutely feeling their inferiority, or pragmatically use the contradictions of the positions of adults.

According to the American researcher P. Robertson, the additional role of grandparents in most cases brings deep satisfaction to middle-aged people1. It is an activity to educate a new generation, but free from many of the responsibilities and intense conflicts that characterize parent-child relationship. The author distinguishes such types of grandmothers:

Harmonious - combine high ideal ideas about the role of a grandmother and a real strong involvement in the life of grandchildren;

Distant - have underestimated social and personal ideas about the social role of grandmothers and take a separate position in relation to the problems of grandchildren;

Symbolic - they have a high social and normative image of a grandmother, while real relationships with grandchildren are not developed;

Individual - personal aspects of behavior are accentuated.

Based on the opinions of the grandparents themselves, she formulated four functions of grandparents in the family, which have the character of a common important idea for the grandparent himself and / or other family members.

1. Presence - as a symbol of stability, as an integrating center, as a deterrent against the threat of family breakdown.

2. Family "national guard" - are called upon to be there at a difficult moment, to provide support in a crisis situation.

3. Arbitrators - harmonization of family values, resolution of intra-family conflicts.

4. Preservation of family history - a sense of continuity and unity of the family.

The classification of grandparents according to the criterion of the intra-family role they perform is offered by the domestic psychologist O. V. Krasnova:

Formal - build relationships in accordance with social prescriptions about the role of the elder in the family;

Surrogate parents - take responsibility and care for their grandchildren;

Source family wisdom- communicate with family roots;

Entertainers - organize the rest and leisure of grandchildren;

Suspended - rarely included in the real life of the family of children and grandchildren.

In domestic psychology, the first empirical study of the contribution of grandmothers to the life of a family of children and the relationship between grandmothers and grandchildren was carried out by the Gerontologist public center (headed by O. V. Krasnova). The study involved women living in Moscow and in small towns of the Moscow region, aged 40 to 85 years, with grandchildren. A number of parameters were taken into account: the age of grandmothers, education, cohabitation or separation with children, the fact of continuation labor activity, nature of family ties (grandchild / grandchildren from a son or daughter), frequency of contacts, age of grandchildren. A specially designed questionnaire included questions about joint activities between grandmothers and grandchildren; about the ideas of grandmothers about the upbringing of grandchildren; on the system of rewards and punishments for grandchildren; about hopes for the future; about helping children raise their grandchildren; about where grandchildren learn good and bad; on the share of participation of the older generation in the upbringing of grandchildren; about the reasons for concern for grandchildren; about conflicts with children; about the role in the family that the older generation assigns to itself.

Based on the analysis of the data obtained, three main types of grandmothers were identified: “formal” or “ordinary”; "active", or "enthusiastic"; “distant”, or “aloof”, “symbolic”.

"Ordinary Grandmothers"take part in the care and upbringing of their grandchildren, but under upbringing they rather mean help in the household care of the child (preparing meals, feeding, walking, bathing, etc.) and/or material support families. According to the survey, every second grandmother belongs to the “ordinary” type. She watches television programs with her grandchildren, reads to them, walks with them, in the summer, as a rule, spends time together (for example, in the country). Grandmothers of this type participate insignificantly in the preparation of lessons, in games, and in the cultural education of their grandchildren. They encourage their grandchildren: they praise, hug, kiss; buy ice cream, sweets, fruits, toys, things. At the same time, they usually do it “just like that” or “for good behavior”, “because she is small”. As punishments "in cases of bad behavior", disobedient people prefer not to communicate with them or scold them.

"Active", "enthusiastic grandmothers"have a high degree of involvement in the leisure and problems of their grandchildren. They take care of their grandchildren, pamper them, help with homework, play with them, go to theaters and exhibitions, which requires more effort, moral and physical. Enthusiastic grandmothers more often note and support manifestations of kindness, sympathy, and help in their grandchildren; sensitive to moments when grandchildren need support, encouragement. As a punishment for “lies, laziness, rudeness”, they scold, forbid watching TV or going to visit, they can give a slap on the back of the head or not communicate, i.e. they are more active in punishments compared to the grandmothers of the previous type and believe that they have that's right.

"Distant", "detached grandmothers"spend much less time with their grandchildren. The grandchildren of such grandmothers were brought up from birth either only by their parents, or with the help of the older generation “from the other side”, i.e., grandmothers of the “detached” type did not have and continue to have no responsibilities towards their grandson. Contradictions are very often encountered in the statements of distant grandmothers. Such a grandmother, for example, believes that her main role in the family is the upbringing of her grandchildren, but by upbringing she means only reading and walking in the fresh air; or, claiming that she has duties towards her grandson, she sees him once or twice a year, when telephone conversations memories are the only kind of joint activity.

The study made it possible to outline the stages of ancestry and describe the dynamics of the family life of older women at different stages of the life cycle.

First - "young grandmother"- begins for a woman aged 47-51 years. As a rule, she continues to work actively, but takes on long-term responsibilities for caring for and / or helping to care for her grandchild to the best of her ability; becomes a "normal" grandmother, less often "active" or "distant". He is mainly engaged in servicing the family and grandchildren, that is, “feeding”, “walking” and other household chores, helps financially. A young grandmother rarely lives alone, mostly with her husband or with her children and grandchildren.

It is in the group of young grandmothers that a pattern noticed in everyday life is observed: grandchildren from daughters are “closer” than from sons, and grandmothers of grandchildren from daughters are more involved in their lives, meet with them more often.

In the future, as the grandson grows, young grandmothers do not stop helping children, although the volume of work performed decreases. The ratio of the age of the grandmother (up to 65 years) and the age of the grandson (up to 11 years) is optimal for the maximum deployment of "grandmother's" activities.

The second is "old grandmother"- comes after the grandson reaches 10-11 years old, the grandmother is usually 58-62 years old. If she has several grandchildren, she often remains in the "young" group until the youngest is 10-11 years old. Appears the new kind communication with grandchildren, more equal.

Retirement, especially in a big city, has an impact on the nature of the relationship with the grandson, and some of the "ordinary" grandmothers, mostly with secondary education, move into the category of "active". Some at this stage move away, as a rule, these are women living in a metropolis and having more high level education. Those who from the first stage occupied the position of a “remote” or “enthusiastic” grandmother rarely change it while maintaining living conditions.

If the “young” grandmother is more concerned about the health of her grandson, then the “old” one has anxieties and fears about his education, the choice of a future profession, friends, loved ones, and the future in general. At this stage, it no longer matters who the grandchildren come from - from a daughter or a son. She is more than a young grandmother interested in preserving family traditions and values, and in this she sees her main role in the family.

Third - "old woman", "old woman"- begins after the grandchildren reach the age of 18, when adult children and grown-up grandchildren have responsibilities towards older family members who themselves now need help and care due to poor health. At this stage, there is a "coup" of roles - the balance of independence and autonomy of family members changes.

Thus, the stages of grandparenthood depend on the age of the grandchildren, social status older women and their health status. The main conclusion of the study is that the contribution of the older generation to family life and the range of roles depend not only on the age, education, living conditions of an elderly person and types of family ties, but also on the social and personal norms of his life, on social needs and expectations.

The ideas of the elderly about their role behavior are similar to those of other sex and age groups. Therefore, all the selected types of grandmothers fully meet the expectations of society. However, the decision to which type this or that grandmother will join is mediated by personal factors, personal norms of grandmothers.

An analysis of approaches to considering the problem of relationships between different generations in a family shows that it is rather posed, formulated, than investigated and solved. The connection between generations, the continuity of experience are of the utmost importance, although they are not always realized by the family members themselves, children and grandchildren.