Girls who grew up without a father. How will family life turn out for a girl who grows up without a father?

My relationship with my father has always been amazing... I’ll make a reservation, surprisingly difficult. There is one step from love to hate - this is how our relationship always developed until I finally became an adult...

How does a father influence the fate of his children, and what changes in girls’ perception of the world if the family was incomplete. Let's figure it out.

The functions and roles of parents in the family are different (I wrote about this in previous articles in the series about single-parent families). The Mother conveys information and experience of the emotional and sensory sphere, lays down the concept of Home, its rituals, and traditions.

The father is a guide to the world of society, takes his children out of the House.

Here we will stop and take a closer look at the role of the father from a religious and psychological point of view.

It is absolutely no coincidence that the word “father” appears in the biblical scriptures, because God is our Father and God is Love, therefore the father figure in the life of every child is extremely important, it also connects with the spiritual world. And for a girl, the father is her own beginning, her foundation adult life.
Our good “grandfather” Sigmund Freud argued that the role of the father is connected with the law, he embodies taboos and prohibitions. E. Fromm’s work “The Art of Love” talks about two types of parental love: maternal and paternal. So, fatherly love, according to the author, is conditional, it must be earned, and for this it must meet the requirements and traditions.

So let's start with me. I was lucky, I had and still have a father and mother. The climate in the family was not always healthy; my father was quite authoritarian. Due to these circumstances and psychological trauma, I had to register with my psychotherapist, sit for hours in meditation, write a ton of letters with reflection on the period of childhood, but the result was obtained, now my parents are my value, my asset, and my father is my support and protection.

In my opinion, every father is very lucky in this world if he has a daughter. Neither a mother nor a wife can ever give the love that a daughter can give.

Father-daughter relationships are unique and form the foundations of cognition. true love without such phrases as: “It could have been better”, “Why love you.” They contain the great gift of forgiveness and build the most honest and loving dialogue.

It so happened that most of my friends and clients in therapy are from single-parent families in which there was no father, or the father figure was replaced by a stepfather... Apparently, opposites attract.

One day my friend said that she needed to get married quickly. I was very interested and surprised, so I began to dig deeper. The answer was amazing: “I want your father to lead me to the altar and be at the birthday party of my family next to me.”

So, by the will of fate, my dad became the father of another woman’s soul. Now I happily watch them coo, chat on social networks and call each other.

Why, as an adult, does a woman so need a protective, accepting, loving father figure? What about the hearts of little girls who don't have a father?

Here are some quotes from real stories:

“At about 5 years old, when we had not yet started living with our stepfather, I began to understand that in families there is also a father, and I understood this because from kindergarten They took their dad's other children. At this time, I asked why dad never picks me up and why others do, but I don’t.”
“From early childhood, I felt like my mother was having a hard time physically and mentally. That I was, to some extent, a burden. This gave rise to the fear of “becoming visible,” one might say, of harming her even more. Further events with my stepfather completely cut off any fantasy series about a happy family."
“When the realization came that my father was gone, at that same moment a program was activated in my head that I should now take care of my mother and be the father of the family. That in this life I need to do everything myself and develop perseverance and strength in myself. Then it seemed to me that I don’t need a father, that I don’t care.”

It’s sad to realize this, but many now, reading these lines, have seen their childhood and their pain in it. If you realized this, found the courage to voice it, then you probably have the resource to heal it.

Until the age of 12, girls are emotionally strongly connected to their dad. They expect attention, love, and protection from him more than from their mother. Dad becomes an unbreakable wall between good and evil, a source of peace, care and protection.

Girls in this age period develop healthy self-esteem, they feel worthy of attention, respect and allow themselves to be different - this is what a healthy relationship with their father gives.

We can say that resentment towards our father closes the door to love for us and forms a negative attitude towards all men.

Let's look at the most common models of the formation of negative attitudes in girls raised in families without a father.

1. Girls growing up without a father figure have before their eyes only the example of a mother who “will stop a galloping horse and enter a burning hut,” which is why the attitude is formed - I can be happy without a man, I can give birth to a child for myself, the father is an extra figure in the family.

2. The most painful and deepest psychological trauma is the inability to trust a man and rely on him. Girls who have already become girls, at the age of 19-20, do not know how to trust their loved one completely, because they have never experienced this with their own father.

In the adult life of their future chosen one, they will always test their strength, always expect a catch, and subconsciously strive to break off the relationship.

3. The desire to control everything and dominate also has its roots in childhood, in which there was no father. A girl without a father grows up with the feeling “there is no one to protect me.” Especially if she doesn't have older brothers. This means that you need to protect yourself.

What is described above is not a statement that this will be the case in your family; these are just models that can and should be transformed and existing attitudes changed.

For healthy mental development For a girl growing up in a single-parent family, it is important to observe the following points:

If you are raising a daughter without a father and there is no way to establish a connection with her own father, then the first thing that needs to be done is to build communication with the families of friends and relatives, in which both parents are present, to observe and listen to how interaction occurs in two-parent families. This will help to consolidate from childhood the awareness that being in a couple is better than being alone, and will help to form the integrity of the family.
You need to share your grievances ex-husband and his relationship with his daughter. You need to forget, erase from your vocabulary the phrases: “Your father is nothing (he’s a scoundrel, a traitor, etc.)”, “Dad is bad”, “Your father doesn’t need you at all.” The girl must understand for herself what place he occupies in her life.
When a stepfather or a new man appears in the family, the woman subconsciously strives to erase the memories of the past. Exclude from

The birth of a new life always involves two principles - male and female. And it doesn’t matter whether this participation is indirect or literal, but only a man and a woman are capable of creating a new life.

There is an opinion in society that the role of the mother, compared to the role of the father, is much more important in raising a child. If we go back to our distant ancestors, we will remember that a man’s responsibilities included the following tasks: obtaining food, procreation and creating a safe place for his woman and future offspring to live. The woman had to ensure the survival of the descendants. The need to recognize the slightest needs of her baby developed in her emotional sphere. It is no secret that a woman is physiologically capable of giving birth only once every 9 months, so choosing a partner has been and remains a very important event in the life of every mature girl. Healthy and strong man, guaranteed good genes for the future offspring. But the role of the father is not limited to this. The “biosocial” nature of man needs not only the satisfaction of physiological needs, but also higher needs. On this score, the creator of individual psychology, Alfred Adler, said the following: “a person becomes a social being thanks to an innate social interest, or social aspiration.”

The first to learn to interact with Small child, are his parents. In this article, I want to talk to you about the role of the father in raising a girl, as well as his influence on the formation of the child’s future relationships with the opposite sex. I deliberately don’t want to go too deep into all the scientific theories in order to simplify our communication with you and speak in a language that we all understand. So, how does a father influence his daughter’s personal life, the type of relationships with other men, the choice of a life partner and, finally, the development of femininity in his daughter? Let's start the journey to childhood.

It has long been known about the existence of a life scenario. This scenario is laid down in the child from birth. According to psychological theory, “a life script is a program setting future life, formed in the child by parents and immediate environment. And it is believed that in most cases it depends on the father what scenario his daughter’s life will follow. Moreover, depending on how early years their emotional closeness has developed and strengthened, it depends on how easily the “teenage crisis” with its nihilism and desire for independence will pass.”

Playing activity, as a leading activity in the early childhood of a child, carries out the functions of gaining experience of communicating with a person of the opposite sex, including (the father). The idea of the difference between men and women is formed and consolidated in the girl’s mind. Not long ago, psychologists were convinced that the father plays an important role in his daughter’s life only after the age of three, at the very period when the child’s interest in the differences between the sexes awakens. But today, scientists have come to the conclusion that gender identification is characteristic of a child from birth. And it becomes clear that the role of the father in the early stages of his daughter’s development is necessary. If, due to the excessive closeness of the daughter and mother, there is no place left for the father, and he finds himself excluded from the system of relationships, then the image of a rejected man is fixed in the girl’s mind, which she will be guided by when building her future behavior with the opposite sex.

The influence of the father's image in women who grew up without him.

In this case, we can say (with a certain degree of assumption) that the image of the father will be composite and formed under the influence of the media, literature, images of the fathers of those families that a woman observes during the period of personality formation. These images do not always turn out to be adequate to the realities of life, which is why sometimes such women have problems in relationships with men.

Indeed, the daughter’s relationship with her father directly affects the girl’s personal life. But it is very important to be aware of this share of influence and, moreover, not only to be aware of the influence of the father’s image, but also to work through this problem internally. First, in a relationship with another man, try to distinguish between subjective expectations (“a father would have acted this way in this situation..”), catch your feelings and understand that your companion, your partner, is not your father. As a result, you will learn to distinguish and separate the image of your father from the image of the man you want to see next to you. A father should always remain a father, and your chosen one is your personal and conscious choice, your personal self-realization as a woman.

Daria's question

Tell me, please, what is the role of the father in raising a girl? Which psychological problems may arise later in the life of a woman raised without a father? Thank you.

Answer

Daria, thank you for your question.

There are no girls raised without a father. His role in the girl’s mind will be played by other men (grandfather, uncle, teacher, family friend).

Biological father also does not disappear whether he participates in upbringing or not, it’s just that his influence and upbringing are carried out somewhat differently:

through the daughter's knowledge of his story (or fantasies about it);
through the mother's stories or silence about the father;
through the condition and status of the mother on this moment(after the relationship with the father);
through the daughter’s own memories and ideas about her father.

How does the father remain in the memories of mother and daughter in the present? What are the consequences of his presence?

He left for another woman, started drinking, died? And so on.

This data (the answer to the question) can become a secret or obvious fear of a growing girl. - She may unconsciously wait for or even provoke her man to behave in this way, as well as be inappropriately distrustful/conflictual in such matters.

If the father drank, then she may in the future suspect a man who drank a glass of wine of alcoholism. If the father cheated, she may expect/provoke cheating on her man in the future.

What was their relationship with their mother like?

Full of love, problematic, cold, helpful? And so on.

The answer to this question is the laid down scenario for the daughter’s future relationship.

If the parents' relationship was difficult and painful, then the girl may unconsciously avoid serious relationships. If the relationship was full of love, and then the father suddenly left, then the girl may avoid loving fully (anticipating loss). If the father was cold, she can choose cold (problematic) men as partners and spend her energy trying to “melt” them.

Why is mother alone now?

Couldn’t find anyone, didn’t want to, didn’t find anyone like my father? And so on.

The answer to this question is an embedded idea of personal strength or dependence of oneself as a woman.

If the mother lives well and fully on her own, then the girl can form the belief: “if my relationship breaks down, I can live fully on my own.” Against the backdrop of a difficult relationship, a girl can follow in her mother’s footsteps: it’s good to live alone. If the daughter thinks that her mother’s single life is incomplete, then the girl can cling to men, avoiding loneliness like fire (avoiding the mother’s position).

What aftertaste of the relationship with the father is left with the mother now?

With sadness, resentment towards her father, bitterness, is she full of life? And so on.

Seeing the state in which her mother was left after her relationship with her father, the girl makes an unconscious conclusion about what men are like and how they influence women.

If the father left the mother in a poor financial situation, destroyed, emotionally devastated, embittered, withdrawn, then the girl may avoid men, or she may suppress/control them. If the daughter sees that the father left her mother in good condition and position, took care of her, then men and people in general can be perceived as safe and inspire trust.

By answering these questions, one can determine the ideas laid down by the influence of the father. The biological father seems to be raising his daughter remotely through the mother’s interpretation.

The interpretation of a mother raising a child without a father sometimes contains little truth about the real father, which at first is blindly accepted by the girl on faith. - A mother, traumatized by her father, traumatizes her daughter “at the same time,” which pushes the latter to repeat her own scenario of relationships with her man. Growing up, the girl sees better and better the characteristics of her mother, and often, at some point, questions the information her mother told about her father.

Conclusion

If a girl raised without a father sees her mother happy with her relationship with her father, in a good position, living life to the fullest, if her father’s story is positive, and the reason for leaving is understood and accepted by her soul, then such a girl may not be much different from others raised by fathers. (Sometimes an immature present father can be as traumatic as an absent one, or even more so.)

Otherwise, it is important for the girl to rethink her mother’s interpretation of her father, discover and live her feelings for her abandoned father, and work with her feminine identity. Such psychological work can help rebuild a negative female script and avoid passing it on to her daughter.

We are putting together another collection of thoughts. Everyone knowledgeable on the topic can speak.

This means, of course, not only courtship at the beginning, but also building long-term relationships. The character traits of such girls are what distinguishes them from all others. I was surprised, for example, that both girls I knew from single-parent families turned out to be completely indifferent to sweets. As I understand it, in a relationship with such a girl you should be more patient, since it is more difficult to gain her trust.

So, let's share our opinions. I would like to describe the features of such relationships, what a man needs to pay special attention to, what to especially focus his energy on. What pitfalls can you expect in a marriage with such a girl? What is the negative scenario for the development of relations?

The fact is that there are many single-parent families now, and this topic may be of interest to many readers.

1. “The obvious key thing is that a girl who grew up with her father has a certain basic trust in male love. Even if the first love with all its maximalism is unhappy, even if a serious romance/long-term relationship/family suddenly or logically does not suddenly stopped - she has a man who has always loved her, loves her and will love her until his death, and this knowledge is at the level of an innate reflex. Having grown up without a father, this basic trust of male love does not exist. “A man already left me when I was little. defenseless, although I didn’t do anything bad to him, I left him for nothing.” And this knowledge is also at the level of an acquired reflex.

It is possible, by the way, that in the first case this reason causes a slightly easier attitude towards men, and in the second - a more affectionate one.

I mean, of course, a “normal” father in the usual sense, of course, they are different, some stepfather will give the child much more than the natural one.
And when building long-term relationships, this difference must be kept in mind. It is impossible, I think, to say that a person is determined not to trust; he wants to, but is very afraid, and fear can be expressed in very different ways. And "mouse" and "bitch".))"

2. “I have met 3 types of women who grew up without a father:

1. Infantile man-hater. An alcoholic dad is either simply absent, seen rarely or not seen at all. Since childhood, the mother’s negative attitude towards this particular father. She may even be happy with another husband, but she feels hatred and contempt for the girl’s father. Either the mother or the grandparents love and feel sorry for the daughter. Pity takes on exaggerated forms and the girl is protected from all problems and difficulties. The girl grows up an infantile person, is afraid and does not like men. But she stretches out in order to get rid of the excessive care of her mother and grandmother. She is attracted to men. She marries successfully. After some time, she begins to look for the same shortcomings in her husband that her mother and grandmother saw in the men she had heard about since childhood. And even if the husband has these shortcomings in a mild form, she increases their presence significantly. Turns the child against the father. I observed such a women's relay race in 4 generations. Grandmother, mother, daughter, granddaughter with the slogan: “Men cannot be trusted.” Grandmother, mother, daughter were firmly convinced that men only need one thing, and having received this precious thing, they drink and idle. We were sincerely perplexed as to why these animals were born at all.
2. Squinting. When the father is present, sometimes he helps, he sees each other, but in general he is an episodic father, although he didn’t ruin anyone’s life, it didn’t work out for both of them. Mom at the same time Strong woman, but she doesn’t particularly humiliate her husband, but simply lives independently as best she can. The daughter wants to get married, wants to start a family. When he comes out, he doesn’t know how to behave, he uses famous model“like mom”, the husband doesn’t like “like mom”, scandals begin. Grandmother and mother, who lived without husbands, encourage: “It’s okay, you’ll find someone else and you’ll live on your own.” That is, such a girl seems to have a good attitude towards men, wants a family, but she initially has two attitudes that hinder her: she is looking for some extraordinary courageous and correct characteristics, and at the same time thinks that if suddenly this is not an ideal, then she she can do it herself. She is not afraid of living alone; she has observed this life for two generations already.
3. And the third type: when the mother, who raised the child alone, did not devote her daughter to the details of her failed life with her father, and did not destroy the bright image. And the girl, without being disappointed in men and not expecting anything beyond heroic from them, creates a normal family. She saw that her mother was missing a husband, something was missing in their family, something was missing, she was trying with all her might to make up for it. She does not have excessive demands, she really holds on to the relationship. True, there are distortions when one’s own family and husband are placed on such a pedestal that there is simply no place left for a mother in her daughter’s life. The daughter blames her mother for not having a complete family and pours out all her feelings exclusively on her husband."

3. “Every little thing is important here: was her father at least sometimes in her life, does she have a grandfather or uncle, does her mother have a new husband, at what age was she left without a father...

But that’s not even the main thing. A woman at any age needs protection, if she doesn’t have it, she has to defend herself. If this process does not take too long, then there is no reason to worry: as soon as the girl finds a man whom she can trust and feels a strong, reliable shoulder, femininity will awaken.

But if she has been making her own way since childhood, if her mother is also an example of feminism, if her father is remembered disdainfully in the family, then the situation is very difficult. There is no trust, there is nothing to base it on. The word itself: “trust”, that is, in advance, without yet knowing the result, is this how it happens? If there was a dad in childhood, then there is a memory of moments that prove his care and protection. If there are no such memories, then trust has nowhere to come from. It will probably take a long time and hard work to conquer it..."

selena_19 : “They have already written about feminism, but there may be another side. If the need for a “dad” remains, that is, he used to be there, but left the family when she was still little. Such girls are often drawn to people older than themselves for 15 years or more, say, and wealthy. This gives them a feeling of security in life.
Moreover, everything can be fine in terms of communication with such a man, but intimate relationships with him they can inspire disgust in her, because with “dad” it’s like incest.
There may be a guilt complex, especially if she always believed that she was the “bad girl” and that her father’s absence was her fault. Hence the insecure behavior, the desire to immediately obey where, in general, it would be possible to talk/discuss."

“I support the character of the mother, her behavior and attitude towards the absent father. This is very important. It is recommended to ask questions about this unobtrusively. There can be a lot of ramifications here. And about the men in a girl’s life, it is also very important - grandfather, brother, uncle, mother’s other husband , at what age, whether he took part or not, etc. How the father left and behaved - the Sunday dad, limited to alimony - in more detail)))

It’s already been well said about an independent mother with a bias towards feminism. In the opposite situation, there will either be two dependent nurses, or the daughter will take on the function of the mother’s protector. Because of “I have no one else,” and because of a certain guilt complex in front of her too.

There is another point - the girl’s attitude towards her absent father, who left the family. In my opinion, the lack of basic (default) trust remains for life, it sits too deep, but it is not so critical when you one fine day already have experience in making your own decisions, taking responsibility for them and understanding their consequences , you realize that an adult simply made his own choice and had every right to make his own decision. Then you can only try to understand why he made such a choice, what influenced him more, what influenced him less. And your own attitude towards this situation may change in an unpredictable direction))) Guilt complexes often disappear with a good analysis, as well as the desire for absolute independence. It is also recommended to ask questions unobtrusively about this))). And in general, how much of a problem this is for the girl herself, how she treats her.

As for the pitfalls... Yes, commitment is very important, both at the initial stage and further. Lack of commitment is a sore spot, don’t step on it once again. However, this is a sign well-mannered person– obligation. There may be painful jealousy, which comes from the same lack of self-confidence. It could also be like this: “One left me for no reason, and no matter what good I do, the other one will leave anyway. Therefore, I won’t do anything, let me do it myself.” Whether there will be a prize is quite doubtful)) The option “I was offended, everyone is an asshole, now he owes me, and maybe I will deign” is also often found. Well, it’s somehow completely without attaching the head to the body.))"

"As you know, a girl is looking for a chosen one who is somewhat similar to her father (men are like her mother). There is some kind of base in the head. There was no father - there is nothing to compare with, and this emptiness is not an acquired reflex, as susan-fox wrote , this is precisely emptiness, lack of knowledge. And it is more difficult with this girl not because she initially expects a scammer. She simply does not know how to live with a man and be a wife, this is not imprinted in her childish head. And she has to be taught. , and teach by breaking her existing wrong opinion about what her other half should be like. And then the problem is if the teacher doesn’t initially understand that it’s difficult with this girl not because she’s such a fool, but because she doesn’t know how to behave. ..."

Anonymous: “I know one thing for sure (I have many friends and acquaintances from single-parent families):
1. A girl who grew up without a father completely copies her mother’s behavior towards men. It is difficult for her to form an initial opinion about who a man is (how to behave with him, whether to trust him, what to expect from him, how to relate to this or that behavior), because... during the initial formation of gender relations (in adolescence) she has no personal experience of relationships with men... Unless (and this is important) she has a grandfather/uncle/elder brother.
2. Many girls who grew up in single-parent families experience a shortage fatherly love. Therefore, men are often expected to have a “fatherly” attitude: guardianship, care, protection, guidance, responsibility, unconditional love, indulgence towards their shortcomings - in short, what they did not receive from an absent father."

Andrew Frolov: “...Much depends on how poor the family was, until what age the girl lived with her mother, and what the social and financial situation of the girl was at the time of their acquaintance.

From personal experience I can say that living with your mother until about 18-19 is acceptable; up to 20-23 - amenable to correction; from 23 and above - clinic. Moreover, the poorer the family lived, the greater the negative imprint this left on its character and social experience."

Anonymous: “I noticed that girls who grew up without a father can be somewhat cold and contemptuous of marriage, especially if they have succeeded in life. A stereotype appears that all sorts of troubles can be expected from men. All this can be reinforced by unsuccessful relationships. In short, a model appears behavior - I'm successful, strong, not like domestic chickens. Again, such girls are limited in terms of empathy for other people. I myself notice that, in principle, I am not touched by the stories of friends about family problems, fathers, children. I can listen, but it doesn’t make me very sympathetic, especially when they talk about problems with fathers. "

Anonymous: “My father left the family when I was about... Mom didn’t speak badly of my father, but I saw how hard it was for her to raise me alone. Mom, of course, worked a lot and we didn’t see each other much. That’s why I didn’t share with nothing to her, we didn’t really talk, from the second grade I went to school alone, I did my homework myself, I signed in my diary myself. In general, I didn’t cause any problems for my mother.
When a man treats me like a friend, everything is fine.
But as soon as the relationship becomes romantic and sexual in nature, everything changes dramatically.
I always keep my distance and seem to wait until he does something bad so I can leave him.
Those who are weaker than me are also unlucky. I immediately begin to suppress.
To be honest, I just don’t know where to fit a man into my life. Well, there's no place for him there. But social pressure still takes its toll. Now everyone is convinced that a woman cannot be happy without a man. But I know that this is not so. And this divergence of values confuses me and causes confusion.
And, on the one hand, you need to change in order to start a normal family.
On the other hand, I am satisfied with myself as I am and why should I change for the sake of someone unknown, without any guarantees for more happy life. When we break up with him, it turns out that I tried so hard, in general, in vain. It's as if I invested all my money in a risky business with a prize I don't understand. Pure adventurism. "

“If you are courting such a girl, then you need to be very obliging with her: if you promised to come, come, if you don’t come, warn, call more often. If you disappear for a long time and leave the girl alone, you can call every ten minutes, make scandals upon your return, etc. .p. This should not be taken as a girl’s desire to control a man. She is simply afraid that another man might leave her, so she needs to know that he is with her, that everything is okay.
If you promise something and don’t fulfill it, it adds to her treasury of distrust of men, from which it won’t take long to become a feminist if it overflows :)"

I’ll add on my own behalf: if a girl grew up without a father and feels insecure in communicating with men, then she needs to make an adult friend first, just for communication. Smart, attentive, understanding...

And I know what it is and how to live with it. My father was not alive, although even if he had been, it is unlikely that we would have communicated with him. Although there are other cases - when there is a father, but it seems like he is not there. When there is no feeling of paternal protection, when there is no feeling that he loves you. When the father does not care how the children live, or when the mother does not allow him to express himself fully. When parents divorce and mom forces the children to take her side. When the mother does not allow the father to participate in raising the children. You never know the reasons why girls become “fatherless” even when their fathers are alive!

When I was growing up, the absence of a father in the family was nonsense. For everyone but me. In any case, that’s exactly the feeling I had. We all had dads - sometimes “anyhow”, but they did. But I didn’t. At all. It seems to me that I was the only one like this both in kindergarten and at school. And every time, with some strange pity in their eyes, they gave me coupons for free food, they whispered strangely behind my back, and some teachers even “waved their hand,” saying what to take from me. Then I even learned to be embarrassed and ashamed of this, I was afraid of such questions, feeling somehow defective.

Then it seemed to me that I was no different from others. I also have two arms, two legs, I live at home with my mother, I live quite normally, but for some reason everyone feels sorry for me and my mother. All her friends were married - some for the second time, but still. My friends had both fathers and mothers. One boy’s dad was absolutely amazing - we all dreamed of the same thing, he really loved to play with us when we came to visit, showed us all sorts of performances and took touching care of everyone.

That was probably the first time I thought that I didn’t have something important.

And then I began to pay more and more attention to it. I remember who I was most jealous of as a child. Girls whose dads came to kindergarten for them. The girls, whom their fathers were waiting for in the evening, were hugged and sometimes carried away in their arms. Girls who always talked only about their dads - and always with delight. Girls whose dads fulfilled every whim of their princesses as best they could at that time. , whom dads defended in any situation, even if the girls themselves were to blame.

There was no one to protect me or admire me. My friends' dads didn't notice me around their princesses. I didn't have any grandfathers either. So it was not given to me to know what it is like when a man loves you with all my heart and just like that. In my understanding, a man’s love and attention had to be won by showing his abilities. Love could only be won by showing some excellent results.

Dad had others too" beneficial features" Mom, for example, could not fix my bicycle, no matter how hard she tried. Just like me, it was hard for her to drag him down the stairs to the street. When I was bullied at school, I had no one to complain to. Once my mother came and stood up for me, but from now on I preferred to cope on my own, no matter how difficult it was. When my mother studied at evening classes, her friends sat with me, although at that time I would have liked to be at home, not with strangers. But the house was empty.

It seemed to me that I was no different from other girls, but I was different. Very much. In many ways.

I had no experience of a man admiring me

The relationship between mother and daughter is different. Mom's love is different, more strict, more demanding.

It is fathers who are able to show the baby that she is a princess worthy of admiration. Who doesn’t need to change anything about herself, it’s enough to remain herself.

I never felt like a princess. That’s why I never felt my special feminine value.

It was very difficult for me to accept compliments, gifts - just like that. I remember how one boyfriend gave me gold earrings with emeralds - with all his heart, but I never touched them, I gave them to my mother. I didn’t feel like such a gift; it seemed to me that I would immediately owe something for this. At the very least, get married.

I had my script ready

It’s even strange to remember now, but at school I said that I didn’t want to get married, I didn’t dream of a wedding. I really wanted a child – a son. And she was going to raise him alone. Moreover, sometimes as a joke (or not as a joke) she chose his “father” from among her friends. Like, let me have a son, and then you go where you were going.

While my friends were dreaming of white dresses, romance and everything else, I was dreaming of a life where my son and I would be. Just the two of us. I remember I even wrote some sad poems and stories about it. And it got ridiculous: one day the guy we were dating at the time accidentally found out about how much I wanted a son. And to celebrate, he began to talk about how great it was, we would get married and have a son. It bothered me so much - why is he interfering with my dream? Why is he already touching my son with his own hands and calling him “ours”? I remember how rudely I snapped, saying, it’s only my son, you have nothing to do with it. He was shocked.

At this time, the girls dreamed of how they would marry their beloved Vasya, build a house, and give birth to children. But I didn’t dream, I was sure that I would give birth to at least one son and make a good career so that he and I would not need anything. There was no man in my plans at all (at that time, for some reason, I didn’t consider my son to be a man).

And later, when I got married, we had a son, this scenario intensified. Quarrels and thoughts began about how good it would be for my son and me alone, like, why do we need his father? Even if my husband didn’t do anything terrible (and in fact, nothing that terrible happened), my brain came up with everything on its own. And circumstances that cannot be tolerated, and the hardships of family life, and the ease of being alone with a child.

Personally, it took me many years to change this scenario in my head and my heart, to stop following it, to stop listening to my paranoid brain.

And learn to dream about something else - about a large complete family, where there is a wonderful husband and father, where he is the most important.

I didn't feel like anyone could protect me

You know, it's a terrible feeling that there is no one to protect you. What are you now, as always. That if a man offends you, he will get away with it, because his mother will not be able to “punch him in the face.” What if you don't take care of yourself. Nobody will care. Never.

I remember how one of my friends was dumped by a guy in the ninth grade. There was nothing special, they were still just walking hand in hand. But when dad found out about this, he was furious. I came to school and talked to the poor boy so much that he was afraid for a very long time to say something unnecessary.

Another friend of mine accidentally became pregnant, already in college. Then her father called the gentleman to a kitchen conversation and kicked the women out of the house. And the very next day, the friend, together with the future father, took the application to the registry office.

Each of them knew that if someone offended her, she just needed to complain to dad, and he would do everything in his power to protect her. I had no one to complain to. I didn’t want to load my mom up. I had to hold it in, digest it, defend myself.

Then one of the men will say to me: “Why do you immediately rush to attack? Why does it feel like you’re always trying to protect yourself?”

What could I answer him? Only that there is no one else to protect me. Alas and ah. Feminine qualities do not flourish from this, rather, on the contrary.

Growing up, I looked for a father in men, not a husband.

Yes, girls who grow up without a dad are looking for a man for precisely this purpose. To find care in him, to “lean on him with your whole body” (and this is the first sign that you are looking for someone wrong), for someone to take him in his arms, press him and not let go. Nothing complicated, right? I'm not asking for much, just total care, protection and the opportunity to be with him all the time as a little girl. At least somewhere in this world this should be realized.

And then the problems begin. Because no man is able to replace our father, our needs remain unsatisfied, relationships fall apart, fall apart. In this case, the man will be called all unflattering epithets, although this is not and cannot be his fault. He's not a dad. He's a man. And he wanted to be a husband, not a father.

I grew up too early, and it was very difficult for me to get my “Girl” back

I had no other choice, I could not remain a child in those conditions. I felt responsible for both my mother and myself. There was no one to protect us. Therefore, at the age of seven, I sincerely believed that I should protect my mother - and when she was late from work, I went out to meet her, worrying that something would happen to her. This left its mark on my character. For a long time looked condescendingly at those who know how to be capricious and jump for joy when receiving gifts. For those for whom it is natural to make eyes and bat eyelashes. I couldn’t do all this and didn’t understand - why? My mother never did this either, because she too had to grow up early.

The little girl inside me was hidden so deep that no one could hurt her. Many emotions and experiences were preserved along with it.

Sometimes she would appear again, most often after a bottle of beer.

I didn't know how to trust men

My beliefs about men were simple and, unfortunately, natural in this world. I believed that it was impossible to rely on them - and I saw a lot of evidence of this; it is strictly forbidden to trust them, because they deceive and hurt. In general, not people, but animals with horns. And by the way, she considered it the girl’s duty to reward them with these horns. At a minimum, flirt with other men.

Need I say that all this did not help me in my family life? Control, total control - did the husband do everything, how did he do it, why and why. A man—any man—is irritated by such distrust and control. And they also deprive you of inspiration to do anything for your lady love. And I don’t want to give my heart to this lady either.

And how scary and difficult it was to give up your ideas about men, learn to trust, take risks in this place (what if he actually deceives?), relax... It was not easy and it took a very long time to go in this direction. And it is very difficult to completely overcome such mistrust. In times of crisis and difficulty, it may “suddenly” come to visit again, and then demand permanent registration. Seeing this “guest” in time and sending him back along with his belongings is not easy. Especially when generic programs are turned on that you cannot control until you turn on your mind. And the mind cannot be turned on because of the panic that these very programs give rise to. A vicious circle - and in the end the same mistrust.

I didn’t even understand who they were and what they were eaten with.

When I got married, I realized that I didn’t know anything. I can cook a delicious lunch once, but every day is torture for me. I absolutely don’t understand their needs and nature. Why, I didn’t even think about the fact that men and women are different. That they may have different goals, objectives, qualities and needs.

And most of my quarrels with my husband happened precisely because I demanded from him as a woman (attention, care, tenderness), and at the same time - as from a hero of a film (bravery, heroism, generosity).

The result was an explosive mixture that could not be combined in one person, no matter how much one wanted to. For example, I, like many mothers, wanted him to always be there, help at home and with the child, and at the same time earn enough for us to live.

Of course, the nature of the husband was not taken into account. What the hell is nature if I want it like this? What difference does it make to me what you are like - become what I need! Otherwise, why do I need a man - and without him I was very happy. Yes, my ideas about an ideal husband were extremely far from life and from my husband.

And I also didn’t know how to communicate with him, I did for him what I would like myself, behaved the way I was used to (and I was used to behaving strangely with men).

I didn’t know how to value my husband, appreciate him, or be grateful. She didn’t know how to listen to him and agree with him, she argued all the time. She didn’t know how to ask for help, she tried to do everything on her own. At the same time, she controlled and limited, so that God forbid he would do some “things.” It is not difficult to understand that all this did not improve the atmosphere in our family.

To be honest, sometimes I look at my luggage and what I had and still have it in my head and I don’t understand - how? How did it happen that I finally got married? It’s just the mercy of the Lord that despite all this, we didn’t get divorced, although we were on the verge of it! Despite all that we have both been through, we are still together and love each other. I, a girl without a father, could not find my dad in him. I found myself in him best husband. And for this I had to learn to love my father for who he was for me. And any father is the best for his children.

For the sake of my husband and sons, I had to undergo so many different therapies and processes! To see your father, to give him space, to let him into your heart. Or rather, admit that he has been living there for a long time, and no one but him will ever take this place. It was painful and difficult. It was a long time, I was periodically brought back. But it was worth it.

I'm no longer a girl without a father. I am now a girl who with all my soul loves her one and only, the best dad for her.

Despite the fact that I have never seen him and will never see him in person. I found his grave - thanks to my husband for his help and support. I was there, in his homeland. Finally, I saw his photo, what he looked like. I looked into his eyes. I also looked at his parents there. And I felt better. I have a father. Despite the fact that he is no longer alive, he did not raise me, I still have him. He is a part of me, whether I like it or not. Whether my mom likes it or not.

And you know, when all these processes were happening in me, it was not customary for my mother and I to talk about my father. A couple of general phrases and formulations, nothing particularly pleasant. But one day my mom called me and said:

“You know, today I had such a strange dream. I felt as if I had made peace with your father. And I felt that you are our common daughter.”

These were probably the most important words for me, I listened and cried. And I still remember this feeling inside. Warmth, acceptance and a broken dam. It was as if I was flooded with love.

And then I thought that sometimes - and probably very often - children can do a lot for their parents with their souls. But not when they are trying to save and heal them. And when they want to heal themselves, when no matter what they go their own way, even if their parents are against it. When their hearts are opened and cleansed, it affects the parents too, whether they want it or not.

I've been living differently for several years now. Like a girl who has both a dad and a mom. In heart. It gives so much strength, balances and calms! And of course, this changes a lot - in relationships with myself and with men (and there are already four beloved men around me!).