How to say goodbye to low self-esteem and love yourself. Why low self-esteem is a problem

According to statistics from leading psychologists and psychotherapists, it is becoming more and more common, especially when it comes to developing countries. Of course, in general, self-esteem can have a certain constancy, that is, be at the same level all the time, or be floating, periodically decreasing and again returning to adequacy.

The main danger of too low self-esteem is that an individual susceptible to this condition is not able to adequately assess his personality, always falling into a negative assessment of his own potential, strengths, abilities and significance of his “I”, which ultimately leads to a complete failure of attempts any self-realization in all areas of life.
Very often, low self-esteem is accompanied by a lack of understanding on the part of the individual himself as to why the society around him underestimates him, why people are so unfriendly during communication, and where to look for the reason for this situation.

Reasons for low self-esteem

Inadequate rather than high. This condition can quite poison a person’s life, depriving him of his existing potential and motivation. If a number of other psychologically negative problems are added to it, then the individual may become completely disillusioned with life and people.

As a rule, the causes of low self-esteem are hidden in the deep childhood of an individual and are associated with a variety of psychological factors that could “raise” in the individual a lack of confidence in his own capabilities or strengths. Most often, one of these factors is inadequate, low self-esteem on the part of parents. Psychologists believe that this applies most of all to women-mothers, who relatively more often suffer from low self-esteem than men, and their attention to the baby is much greater.
Without realizing it, many adults influence their children by following the wrong beliefs, principles, stereotypes and conventions they have formed. And all this necessarily passes on to the baby as a kind of “fact” of experience with the help of various patterns of reactions and behavior. Thus, the basis of “acquired” low self-esteem is often the behavior of parents, which expresses their absolute lack of self-confidence, inability to make decisions and overcome difficulties.

Fear, as well as low self-esteem, are the three main pillars on which the lack of possibility of realization and any achievements in life of an individual rests. It is worth noting that the baby’s brain is the fastest growing and developing organ. This means that along with real physical growth, he also develops informationally, grasping and assimilating information like a sponge.

At the same time, the main part of the information comes in the form of various life experiences, which subsequently form all the characteristics of the baby’s character. It’s no wonder that he receives the lion’s share of these very impressions while observing his parents, who for him are something like an authority, the main example in life. Of course, if during the period of active development of the child at least one of the adults demonstrates low self-esteem, this will be imprinted on the child’s character.
It all starts, as a rule, with one simple mistake - parents at some point blame the child, calling him bad. The baby himself is not able to understand that such a description is not a permanent characteristic of him, but only refers to his current behavior, so he takes such words too seriously.
In the future, low self-esteem continues to develop, but as a result of comparison by adults of their child with other children or even with one of the adults. During such a comparison, the baby begins to feel somehow inferior, much worse in relation to other people, and his low self-esteem, which at that time is just being formed, gains momentum and strengthens. Ultimately, the child gets used to comparing himself with other children, peers, who are liked by others and whom everyone admires.
At the same time, your child begins to suffer from various defects purely invented by him, believing that the children around him have a much greater mind, a better character, and abilities. Reasonable steps should be taken already at the first stage, since much still depends on the parents themselves. The child’s criticism should be somewhat softened. This does not mean that upbringing should be completely devoid of the element of “blame,” but a negative assessment should be aimed at a specific action of the child that caused dissatisfaction and is considered wrong, and not at the child’s individuality itself.

Another common mistake on the part of adults is oppression and humiliation of the individuality of their own child, which in fact plays almost a leading role in the formation of their own. This is not only about the fact that adults often ignore the interests and hobbies of a child and try to impose their opinion on him. From adults you can hear phrases such as “what do you even know about this?” or “what do you understand?!”

We should also not forget that many children already at an early age are faced with problems of physical appearance, which arise due to their special, individual appearance and its inconsistency with any imposed stereotypes about beauty. The baby may begin to convince himself that he is too fat or too short, is not growing well, and so on. In the future, such beliefs settle in the subcortex and form a feeling of one’s own dissatisfaction.

Signs of low self-esteem

All people are individual. But the signs of low self-esteem are quite generalized and make such people somewhat similar to each other. The point is that people suffering from inadequate self-esteem react in many ways in the same way to similar stimuli to their psyche.
They are characterized by a number of characteristics that are rarely manifested in a person with an adequate assessment of himself and his abilities. These include laziness, fear, pretense, indecisiveness, avoidance of praise and positive evaluations, difficulty in coping with real events and the real world, and attempts to escape from them. Also, people with low self-esteem try to resolve a conflict or controversial situation as quickly as possible by giving up or quickly agreeing to any concessions; they also easily agree to humiliated requests and do not set themselves any serious and high goals.
Such people are firmly convinced that people around them treat them negatively. It is in this regard that there is a desire to avoid praise, not to recognize it, because deep in the soul a person with low self-esteem is sure that any praise in his direction will be feigned and insincere. Pretense also develops on the part of the individual himself - he is afraid to show his real “I” to others, adapts to the opinion of the majority, so as not to stand out as an individual, being convinced that they will begin to blame him.
An individual often compares himself with other people who are more successful in one or another area of ​​life, and such a comparison is always not in his favor. A strong complex and belief in one’s own inferiority even leads to the fact that a person limits himself in positive emotions and does not allow himself to rejoice, as he believes. That he is not worthy of any happiness.

Low self-esteem - what to do

As already mentioned, a low assessment of one’s own personality and internal potential is a serious problem within the framework of an individual’s ability to realize himself in any area of ​​life. So the main question that arises for a person who has realized that he has low self-esteem is what to do?
If a person has a negative attitude towards himself and his capabilities, then he should never expect any positive assessment from the outside. Everything is quite natural. Moreover, the main danger of low self-esteem is the formation of a kind of vicious circle: low self-esteem leads to the development of some failures in life, which in turn are considered as a negative experience and reproach, and further influence the strengthening of inadequate self-esteem. In this regard, positive psychotherapy and various trainings based on it become the main “weapon” in the fight for success.
Dealing with low self-esteem is not that difficult. The key factor here is the desire and perseverance of the individual. Good support can be anything that distracts his consciousness and attention from all sorts of negative factors and negative life events. Another significant step towards victory is to make an effort on yourself and do everything that you have long dreamed of, but could not afford only because of your own indecision and dislike for yourself. This could be a hobby, travel, a new job or a new relationship. Take care of yourself. Stop evaluating yourself negatively, and just direct all your efforts to improving your image - change your image, engage in self-development, visit a movie or theater, learn to relax, spend leisure time, love yourself.

Low self-esteem - how to deal with it

Sometimes people have a kind of “floating” self-esteem. Which periodically becomes underestimated, and then returns to its primary, adequate state. But there is always a risk that an individual will deepen into a negative attitude towards himself and will no longer be able to return back to a positive assessment and a normal, fulfilling life. So, low self-esteem - how to deal with it?
First of all, and this is the main advice of experts, learn to never compare yourself with those around you, more successful people, and again fall in love with yourself for the person you really are. The secret of every successful and happy person is that he does not strive for any social framework, achievements, conditions, but lives his own life, sets goals and strives for them.
You should also begin to objectively evaluate all your positive and negative sides. At the same time, the latter should be assessed as factors that need to be worked on for one’s own perfection, and not immersed in an imaginary catharsis. At the same time, attention should be focused specifically on the positive aspects, one’s own achievements and successes, and negative life events can be considered as the same experience that will allow one not to repeat mistakes in the future.
As for contact with other people, to improve self-esteem, psychologists recommend giving up thoughts during communication about what impression you make. It is best to concentrate on your interlocutor, as people appreciate good listeners. Behave freely and relaxed.

Question for a psychologist:

Hello, I am asking you for help because I can no longer cope with this on my own. My name is Victoria, I'm 19 years old. I have very low self-esteem, I consider myself ugly, I don’t know why, maybe it’s because I have acne on my face and scars remain after it, and it also seems to me that I have a big face, chubby cheeks. When I look in the mirror, I want to walk away and not look at myself. When I look at the girls from my group, I begin to envy them because they have a clean, thin, expressive face! Because of this, I can’t communicate with people, I constantly think that I’m ugly and that I’m not interesting, and I also don’t know what to talk about with a person. When I start talking to people, I ask them either about their studies or how they are doing, that’s where my conversation ends, then I don’t know what else to ask, I can just walk stupidly and be silent, although I read books, but I I still don’t know what to talk about with a person! Even one guy told me that I was boring, at that moment I was ready to fall through the ground! And when the person and I talked about the same study, next time I try to avoid the conversation, because firstly I don’t know what to talk about, and secondly, I’m afraid of messing up with him, I’m afraid that he will think that I’m a boring person . And I can’t answer people’s insults, it’s just that when they humiliate me, ridicule me, I stand and can, because I don’t know how to answer, and when I start to answer, my voice starts to tremble, and I start to stammer, not pronounce words. And after that I feel even worse. Many people tell me that my diction is very bad and they laugh about it. I cry every evening because during the day I just get trampled into the dirt, and I can’t do anything about it!!!

I still have bad relationships with guys. I have never had any other relationship with them. It seems to me that they don’t like me, they don’t look at me, but constantly look at my friend. They are somehow attracted to her, but I seem to be a freak that guys don’t like. I constantly think about this, it seems to me that I will never meet the one, that I will always be alone, and I will never have my first love, etc.

In general, I think this is due to the fact that as a child my mother called me names in every possible way, when we did homework with her, then when I couldn’t understand something, she yelled at me, said that I was stupid, and when I If I didn’t do the housework right, I was armless. Now I can’t even list everything! But not only my mother influenced me, in the 7th grade I liked a guy, I told him that he liked me, and he said that I was ugly and that I would never be with anyone! And then I told all this to my friends and spread it around the school.

Psychologist Elena Nikolaevna Gladkova answers the question.

Hello, Victoria!

The origins of self-confidence are laid in early childhood, through parents’ acceptance of their children. Of course, if there were any problems with this - constant complaints, dissatisfaction and reproaches from the people most significant to a person, experiencing difficulties in gaining confidence in the outside world is almost the “norm”! How can a person understand what he can and what he is capable of, if even within the family circle his achievements were not supported, and attempts to master “complex adult life skills” were immediately subjected to harsh and humiliating criticism? This is sometimes difficult to do even for an adult who is quite confident in himself, let alone the appearance of such qualities in a child who is just beginning to develop them!

It seems that for you the influence of this “childhood badness” is of great importance in your almost adult life.

Despite the seemingly irreparable losses in gaining self-confidence, you can begin to develop this same confidence at any age. Of course, now you will have to spend more effort and time on this, but the result will definitely be there.

Usually, the beginning of this work is a very important stage in life - accepting oneself, forming one’s image and mastering the “technique of self-love.” This sounds a little pretentious, but the essence is simple - you need to love yourself (I understand the complexity of the process itself! Especially when the love of your parents is not enough), accept yourself and your appearance, learn not to “punish” yourself for “failures” in communicating with others, not try to mimic the established “canons” of acceptance by society.

There are many methods for this; you can resort to the help of psychologists and psychotherapists to find starting points in life that interfere with the formation of your own positive image and positive thinking, which is also necessary to restore confidence and self-love.

As for the appearance, which raises any doubts and complaints about it. In parallel with the fact that you will work on the psychological component of self-confidence and will be able to learn to perceive yourself as “the one and only”, dear and loved, you can pay attention to such problems as health, proper nutrition and a healthy lifestyle.

No matter how different it may seem, the body, by its external manifestation, tells a person that he does not care enough about what and how much he eats, and how physically active he is. Therefore, very often rashes, acne and other skin manifestations, obesity or thinness indicate an unhealthy lifestyle and also demonstrate psychological problems that indicate self-doubt, an inability to openly present oneself to society, and fear of relationships. It turns out to be a kind of vicious circle - a person cannot build relationships because he looks bad or is afraid of them, but he looks bad precisely because he is afraid of these very relationships. This is how the human body reacts to a hidden fear of relationships associated with lack of confidence, the experience of traumatic relationships in childhood, using the mechanisms of physical ill health as an unconscious defense. This gives a reason, for the time being, to “attribute” your failures in relationships to your ugly appearance and other external manifestations. Therefore, Victoria, if it is important for you to learn how to build relationships, if you want to “live to the fullest” and be happy, then EVERYTHING IS IN YOUR HANDS!

Learn to understand where your unconscious fears are blocking your attempts to build relationships, restore your own importance in your own eyes, remember what it means to love and respect yourself, remember that you, like any other person, can make mistakes, look awkward, and this is not bad or good, these are just life situations that accompany a person on the path of life, don’t be afraid to be funny, learn and understand that you have the right to happiness, like anyone else, don’t give yourself offense by fighting back the offender, feel the lightness of being and communicate with others and everything will work out for you, no matter what!

Start by making a “work plan” to achieve the results you want. It’s simple, like any plan, it’s just more difficult to follow it, because the most difficult work is working on yourself. But working on yourself is also the most rewarding, because the result will allow you to enjoy every moment of your unique life - you will learn to overcome your own difficulties and enjoy your own achievements. A long journey always begins with the first step! The main thing is that your desire is enough to take this first step towards changing yourself and the world around you. If you feel this strength and desire within yourself, go!

With faith in your limitless possibilities in realizing your own desires and with respect,

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Low self-esteem can be situational or stable. The reasons for it can be either real human problems in a particular area or fictitious ones. Self-esteem often has roots in the past. Parents, friends, teachers could instill in a person self-doubt. It didn’t go away with age, but only became more deeply rooted. Low self-esteem is a big obstacle. It prevents a person from developing and self-realizing. As a rule, uncertainty repels him not only from success in his personal life and career, but even from people who can help. Psychology deals with problems of this kind. Self-esteem does not increase in a couple of sessions with a psychologist, but as a result of targeted efforts it can be corrected.

Changing self-esteem means fundamentally changing your attitude towards yourself. Constant complaints and whining will never help get rid of the problems that have piled up. From people who underestimate themselves, you can hear that they are not loved and used. And this often turns out to be true. However, the reason for this attitude of people is not in the qualities of the person himself and those around him, but in self-esteem. People intuitively sense uncertainty and are not averse to taking advantage of it. If a person does not evaluate himself properly, then no one will do it for him. It is unlikely that anyone will prove to a pretty woman who has low self-esteem that she is beautiful. And, most likely, such arguments will be useless. A person must help himself. Otherwise, the situation can only get worse. Depression, alcoholism, suicide - all these are possible consequences of underestimating one's qualities. There can be no talk of any motivation for a fulfilling life.

Low self-esteem can prevent you from getting rid of problems. However, we must pull ourselves together and decide to take this step. It all starts not with praising yourself, but with something a little different. We need to try to make small but noticeable progress in business. It has been noted that people who do not love themselves have a number of problems. One of them is the lack of real steps towards achieving the goal (if the goal exists at all). Another problem is the presence for which such people despise themselves and constantly experience Masochism must be left in the past. The first step to respecting yourself as a person is self-improvement. If you have problems with alcohol, then you can try to abstain from it; if you have a fear of speaking, then you should at least try to learn how to speak in front of a mirror.

You can reward yourself for every move forward. Self-confidence develops gradually. You just need to pay attention to your strengths, not your weaknesses. And it’s also important to stop punishing yourself. There are some things that cannot be fixed. All that remains is to accept them and live with them. However, more often than not, most problems can be solved. A person who has low self-esteem simply does not try to solve them or find other methods of achieving the goal. You can completely change your perception of yourself in a few years. This will only require focused work and motivation. To prevent motivation from falling, you need to remember the reasons for not loving yourself. Any person, after several attempts, begins to discover such negative moments in his past. These could be problems in the family in childhood, ridicule at school, and failures at work. Don't let negativity cloud your horizons in life. Any troubles and failures must be treated correctly. Everyone falls in life, but those who have the strength to rise win. If you cannot change the situation on your own, then it is better to consult a psychologist. You should not wait until a deep crisis and depression sets in, when you can no longer do without a specialist.

Low self-esteem (which is formed due to childhood trauma, biological characteristics and bad life experiences) can be fought. St. Petersburg psychotherapist, leading researcher at the NIPNI named after. V.M. Bekhterev Alexander Erichev told Sobaka.Ru what steps will help do this.

Reasons for low self-esteem

People with low self-esteem always have negative underlying beliefs about yourself. They appear in the process of life experience - including if a person has encountered a large number of punishments, prohibitions, insults, and neglect. The first group of such beliefs is associated with defectiveness (“I’m somehow different”), the second with helplessness (“I’m weak”) and the third with a lack of love (“they don’t love me”).

Negative beliefs often arise when children are not satisfied basic needs. First of all, the need for love and acceptance. For example, at the time of the birth of the child, the mother’s maternal feelings did not awaken, and the father completely disappeared into an unknown direction. Another situation is emotional deprivation from parents. For example, they were not used to expressing warm feelings and were less emotional than other families.

Quite often people suffer from low self-esteem who seemed to have fairly good family support, but found themselves in a situation of long-term bullying. For example, at school, such a situation can seriously change the perception of oneself. The person, recalling the time of bullying, says that he felt fear and helplessness. He was in a state of chronic stress for a very long time, and this negative experience stuck with him.

When a person’s self-esteem is distorted, he finds even more evidence in events that he is bad

There are also biological prerequisites for a person to develop low self-esteem. For example, both a dandelion child and an orchid child can be born in the same family. Dandelion will grow through the asphalt and will be less sensitive to environmental factors. Such a child will more easily cope with the same bullying. And the orchid child, who, including for biological reasons, is more vulnerable and shy, will not be able to resolve this situation, and may not even seek support from his parents. We must not forget that we all have different types of nervous systems. We are different from each other at birth, and then life also leaves its serious imprint. The production of hormones changes, and stress reactions become stronger.

Distortions of personal thinking play a huge role in our self-esteem. We all perceive the same situation differently. Recent studies show that even our own memories should not be trusted, because they are seriously distorted, including under the influence of our emotions. So, if a person has a distorted personal self-esteem, and he feels weak, helpless, defective and lazy, then he will also distortly perceive all the events that happen to him. And find more and more evidence that he is bad.

What do bad thoughts about yourself lead to?

Often our deepest negative beliefs about ourselves are quite difficult to identify., in addition, the person himself tries to protect himself from them with a set of rules. That is, he seeks to prevent confirmation of his fears and fears. For example, if he thinks that he is unlovable, then what behavioral strategies will he demonstrate? They can be completely opposite. One will avoid contact with the opposite sex for fear that he will still be rejected. Another will choose a different behavior: on the contrary, he will have a huge number of casual connections, and he will perceive each acquaintance as a trophy. On the surface he will seem confident and cocky, but in fact, behind this behavior he will hide his negative attitudes towards himself. Such rules that a person has created for himself may be different. For example, a person decides that he must always be polite. Or if he is criticized, it immediately means that he is bad. And if he doesn't try his best, he won't achieve anything.

A person with low self-esteem attributes all failures to himself and success to accidents.

To assess your self-esteem, ask yourself a series of questions. Have your life experiences taught you to value yourself for who you are? Do you have a good opinion of yourself? Do you treat yourself well and take care of yourself? Do you like yourself? Do you value both your strengths and weaknesses equally? Are you completely satisfied with yourself? Do you feel entitled to other people's attention and time? Do you judge yourself the same way you judge others – no more, no less? Are you more inclined to encourage yourself rather than engage in self-criticism?

When working on self-esteem, there is no need to strive for it to become inflated and flew off into space. This is also not good. When we deliberately make unrealistic demands on ourselves and declare something like “I am the king of the world,” the more often reality tells us that there is something wrong with our beliefs about ourselves. High self-esteem is often unstable, so external circumstances can easily unsettle a person. But you need to strive, first of all, for sustainability and learn to support yourself.

A person has a high probability of conditionally “getting” depression or an anxiety disorder, if he attributes all failures to himself, and attributes all positive things to chance. And this is exactly what a person with low self-esteem usually does.

What to do? Stop criticizing and punishing yourself

Psychotherapists distinguish several modes, that is, emotional states, which we enter from time to time. One of the unhealthy ones is the regime of a critical or punishing parent. In it, we force ourselves to experience feelings of inferiority and guilt, pointing out that we owe something. At the same time, we criticize for such little things that we would never criticize others for. And we punish in those moments when we actually need help.

You can easily notice how this mode turns on. It further supports low self-esteem or even lowers it further. For example, when you say to yourself: “We could do better,” “Why isn’t this so good?”, “Is that all you did?”, “Others can do it, and so can you.” You also present the results of your labor as some kind of nonsense. People around you praise you, but you think: “No, they thought I was just lucky.”

Learn to turn off your inner critic and be more supportive of yourself.

The good news is that we can easily track and stop ourselves. unfounded self-criticism and devaluation. It is quite possible to develop this skill even without the help of a psychotherapist. Although it may take a decent amount of time. Try observing your critical parent for at least a week. Most likely, you will notice that it appears even when you should not scold yourself.

Try translating self-criticism into self-compassion. Instead of the desire to punish yourself and condemn, you should switch to the desire to correct the situation and achieve a better result. Instead of looking to the past, look to the future and try to understand what can be done now. Shift your focus from mistakes to your strengths and resources, and instead of disappointment, anger and anxiety, try to be supportive of yourself.

Stand up for your boundaries and rights

Develop assertiveness - the ability to defend your boundaries and rights so as not to destroy someone else's personal space. It is believed that assertive behavior quite clearly correlates with adequate self-esteem. What does it include? Open and sincere expression of positive emotions, as well as open (but adequate) expression of negative ones. We need to learn to express our negative emotions correctly - this is very important. Assertiveness also includes the ability to defend oneself and the ability to say “no.” Quite often, when we feel anxious and helpless inside, we agree to things that are obviously unpleasant for us. And then we begin to blame ourselves: “How could you, you definitely should have refused, why didn’t you refuse, you could have pulled yourself together!” Assertiveness also includes initiative, the ability to offer, ask, and maintain one’s own dignity - now this is beautifully called the term “proactivity.”

Often we cannot say “no” to a person and end up blaming ourselves even more for it.

Train assertive behavior not in the style of “You’re a wuss, just pull yourself together!”, but in the style of “You’re worried, but let’s try to take a small step now.” It’s also worth praising yourself for trying, even if it hasn’t been successful yet. For example, you were unable to refuse, although you tried to do so. Or you said no, but the other person insisted that you say yes. But this is already a reason to tell yourself that you have almost succeeded, although not completely yet.

Take care of your needs

Learn to take care of yourself and your needs(again, without violating other people's boundaries). This is probably the most difficult advice, and therefore requires a fairly good level of awareness. You can learn this little by little - you feel that you want to drink water and drink it. Try to listen to more ambiguous needs and feel your desires.

Learn self-efficacy

Self-efficacy is how aware we are of our ability to cope. with certain circumstances. If we feel that the world is so inexplicable and cruel that there is nothing we can do, then naturally we will evaluate ourselves worse. If we perceive our ability to act, this gives us significant help and support. For me, a good example of self-efficacy is independent travel. At first you are scared, but then you get the feeling that the world around you is quite friendly, that you can easily figure out the transport network and find a place to stay for the night.

Support yourself and notice your achievements

It is important that support and praise do not turn into your own address. into something like: “I’m so cool.” Think about what you can support yourself for today? What good did you do during the day? Imagine that you, as your beloved child, say good words. At the same time, praise can be not only for certain successful actions. For example, I went through a difficult situation, I coped with it - this is also a reason for praise. It will be good if noticing your achievements becomes your tradition.

Align your goals with your personal values

To reinforce adequate and stable self-esteem, you need to learn look for your values. Please note that values ​​are not goals. For example, buying a car is a goal. What value could there be here? Freedom of movement, travel. A goal can be achieved and after that it will not exist. And value is unattainable; it is a certain stage of the journey. It is very important to understand what your values ​​are and, if possible, build your life in this direction. But you shouldn’t turn this into a radical search for “your purpose.” This is a dangerous and wrong situation.

Our values ​​may partly conflict with each other. For example, it is important for you to travel and develop, while you dream of children. Then at some point you will have to learn to travel with children, and not in splendid isolation. In addition, values ​​may change throughout life. Don't be afraid of this - the main thing is to be flexible. Also try to get together with your closest people and describe your values ​​and goals. You can turn this into a tradition.

Don’t set global, hard-to-achieve goals and don't focus on the resources you don't have. It is better to gradually increase the complexity of tasks than to immediately set the bar too high. And encourage yourself on the way to their implementation.

Text: Anastasia Leontyeva, Katerina Reznikova.

Based on materials from Alexander Erichev’s lecture as part of the GOOD VIBES project.

A person’s success in all areas of life, be it education, career, friendships or family relationships, depends not only on his abilities and efforts spent on achieving success in anything, but also on how a person evaluates himself. Self-esteem determines a lot in our lives, because it is a kind of internal indicator that we focus on when setting goals and evaluating the results of our actions. If this system does not work properly, it becomes impossible to adequately assess one’s strengths and achievements. One of the variants of such violations is low self-esteem. What to do in this case - read below.

Where does self-esteem come from?

Most often, parents criticize their child or express predominantly negative judgments about him not at all because they do not love him. Psychologists say that such parents often themselves suffer from low self-esteem. In addition, in our culture, it has long been accepted that praising and openly loving a child is harmful; he can grow up spoiled.

Subtleties of self-esteem

If, in a global sense, a person low self-esteem, and he generally evaluates himself with a “minus” sign, then any difficulty will lead him to think: “There’s no point in trying, I’m a loser and nothing will work out for me.”

How low self-esteem ruins your life

Formed from birth, most clearly low self-esteem in a child begins to manifest itself at school age. Even if a child has good cognitive abilities, he may suffer greatly due to low self-esteem. Confidence in his future failures prevents the child from raising his hand when he knows the correct answer, answering freely at the board, or trying more complex tasks. All this is aggravated by the fact that during the school period the child is constantly evaluated by other people - teachers.

As a child approaches adolescence, his appearance becomes important. Teenagers already suffer too often unstable self-esteem, and if there are any problems with appearance - even more so. Skin defects, bad hairstyle, lack of opportunity to dress fashionably and modernly make a teenager constantly experience self-dissatisfaction and feelings of inferiority.

In the lives of adults, low self-esteem also plays a huge role. A person with low self-esteem simply does not allow himself to strive for the best, because he is sure that he is not worthy of anything good. Low self-esteem in a woman– these are always problems with choosing a partner and building a family. Such a woman instinctively attracts men who want to assert themselves at her expense. Often such women suffer humiliation from their partner, but do not break off the relationship because they are sure that they cannot find anyone better.

In everyday life, a woman’s low self-esteem can manifest itself both as self-indulgence and as perfectionism. Some women stop taking care of themselves and do not strive for success in work or everyday affairs, while others, on the contrary, are too preoccupied with themselves and their achievements. In this way, they try to achieve praise in order to at least somehow feel their worth.

Low self-esteem in men– this is almost always a low bar in life. A man does not strive for achievements or financial solvency; he is content with little. Such a man is not comfortable with a confident woman, so most often a man with low self-esteem becomes a partner with the same woman. Children in this family read incorrect attitudes from birth. An insecure mother and father are practically unable to raise a child who is self-confident and feels valued and important.

Signs of low self-esteem appear not only in family life, but in relationships with other people in general. People who carry this quality, as a rule, are very timid in communication, cannot defend their opinion and defend their rights. They are very often use, because for the sake of the approval of others, a person with low self-esteem is ready to do a lot.

Help from a psychologist with low self-esteem

The fact is that we cannot turn back time. We cannot bring back childhood, in which low self-esteem begins to form. We cannot cut out the hurtful words of our parents. However, as adults, we cease to depend on parental approval, because we can say all the necessary words to ourselves, and we ourselves can add to ourselves the love and acceptance that is lacking in order to perceive ourselves positively. You can learn this using psychotherapy. A professional psychologist builds a relationship with a client in a certain way, so that the person first begins to feel important and valuable next to the specialist, and then becomes capable support yourself.

The most important thing in working on self-acceptance and raising self-esteem is to learn to love yourself beyond any achievements and successes, but simply for the very fact of your existence. This is a huge job - learning to appreciate and love yourself with all your imperfections, believe in your strengths and allow yourself to make mistakes, without falling into self-deprecation after that.

Since low self-esteem always very shaky and highly dependent on the opinions of external people, to raise self-esteem, not only individual consultations with a psychologist, but also group therapy can be recommended. Group work allows a person to “recharge” with a positive opinion about himself, learn to behave confidently in a group, express his feelings and defend his opinion.

Low self-esteem is not a death sentence for life. Any personal problem can be solved, but just as we trust the treatment of physical illnesses only to doctors, so the “treatment” of psychological problems should be dealt with by specialists. You should not spare either time or money on this, because a person’s quality of life greatly depends on such a simple at first glance thing as self-esteem.