I found a common language with his daughter. I can’t find a common language with my daughter. Put yourself in her place more often

The relationship between mothers and their growing daughters is often complicated by contradictions. How to become “your own” for your teenage daughter without losing parental authority in her eyes?

Just a few months ago, your daughter was affectionate and obedient child, and today you simply don’t recognize her: she dyed her hair in a terrible purple, in response to all questions, he snaps sharply, does not say where and with whom he goes in the evenings. What's happening? In general, absolutely normal phenomenon: your girl is becoming an adult. It is in your power to help her go through this stage naturally, without unnecessary shocks.

The daughter is the embodiment of the continuity of the feminine principle in the chain of generations, a continuation of the femininity of her mother. And at a certain stage, when a little girl turns into a girl, it is very important that the mother is able, figuratively speaking, to pass on this crown of femininity to her. In other words, she accepted the fact that her daughter was becoming an adult and had the right to live her life. own life, perhaps different from maternal ideas. In this case, equal rights can be established between them mature relationship. Let's look at the six most common problems in the mother-teenage daughter relationship and try to find the key to solving them.

Problem 1. Brand mania

Maybe just recently your daughter didn’t care what jeans and sneakers she wore around the yard. But for some time now she has been demanding exclusively branded items. Going shopping with her turns into sheer torture: she only likes branded items, and in response to your offer to choose something simpler, she only curls her lips disdainfully.

Our advice. Try to avoid two extremes: spending the lion's share family budget for princess outfits and intentionally buy her daughter impersonal, cheap things “so as not to spoil her.” The most pedagogical option is to allocate the amount for your teenager’s wardrobe that your and your husband’s income actually allows.

And remember that it is you who build your daughter’s self-esteem by your example. A growing girl sensitively notices how you satisfy your own needs, what you allow yourself and what you don’t. And subsequently he will treat himself the same way. Therefore, mother should hardly refuse beautiful clothes and cosmetics, as long as my daughter is dressed like a doll. This approach is very fertile ground for cultivating selfishness in a maturing lady. So if tomorrow she asks you for a couture outfit, don’t be surprised.

Yes, another bright new thing will please the girl’s vanity, but it is likely that deep down in her heart she will be embarrassed by her poorly dressed, unkempt mother. And it’s so important for a girl to be proud of her mother! A tastefully dressed mother with a stylish hairstyle and manicure, happy with herself and life - best lesson self-love that you can teach your daughter.

By setting some restrictions in terms of the cost of outfits, give your daughter freedom in choosing models. You can introduce certain rules: for example, once every three months - one branded item. Or enter a limit on the amount: say, 500 UAH per month for outfits. And let the daughter decide for herself whether to buy some expensive jeans or several simpler things with this money. Sales and online stores will be a good help for a young fashionista - they can really buy good things at half or even three times the original cost.

Try not to impose your vision on your daughter. stylish clothes. She should have the final say when choosing an item – after all, it’s her to wear, not you. It is clear that outfits for school should not be too frivolous - but otherwise, give the girl the right to dress the way she likes (even if something seems too informal to you).

Problem 2. First sex

Today's teenagers learn the joys of carnal love much earlier than their parents did - this is an indisputable fact. If 30-40 years ago the first sexual experience occurred after 20 years, today the bar has dropped to 14-16. Moreover, in the era of accessibility of information, parents of a teenager risk finding themselves in an anecdotal situation: “Daughter, let’s talk about sex” - “Come on, mommy. What do you want to know?"

Our advice. Your task is to calmly perceive the new stage in the life of your growing daughter. After all, we all have the need to eat, sleep, breathe - no one is surprised by this. The same need of a growing person is the realization of his sexuality. However, if there is a trusting atmosphere at home, the teenager is unlikely to “rush into all seriousness.”

Many girls admit that they had sexual intercourse not because they wanted it, but because they were afraid of losing their boyfriend. Try to convey your position regarding sex to your daughter in a balanced way, without moralizing: explain what, in your opinion, they should build on sexual relations, what motives can be a starting point to the beginning sex life. Remind your daughter that her body belongs only to her and she has the right to dispose of it exclusively! And let her know that in any situation she can count on your understanding, help and support. Don't be shy about talking to her about sex.

Now in schools, as part of the program to combat AIDS, high school students are given lectures on methods of contraception and sexually transmitted diseases. For parents, these lectures are a good reason to support the “sexual topic” with a frank conversation at home. Sociological research has revealed that in the lives of teenagers with whom their parents regularly and confidentially discuss sex issues, rape and unplanned pregnancies are much less likely to occur.

Introduce your daughter to a gynecologist - perhaps she will not want to discuss some sensitive issues with you, but she will be able to trust the doctor. Give your teenager an encyclopedia about sex. Modern books openly talk about possible substitutes for sexual intercourse. If a teenager is not yet sexually active, alternative erotic games (petting, coitus between the thighs) at his age are quite sufficient.

Problem 3. Passion for losing weight

When a girl grows into a young woman, her body undergoes a number of changes. Rounded shapes are not to the taste of all teenagers - and the struggle for “ perfect figure" Unfortunately, sometimes its consequences are anorexia and bulimia.

Our advice. And again we can’t do without an example. Your own. Most likely, your daughter will feel about her body in much the same way as you feel about yours. Therefore, think a hundred times before calling yourself “ fat cow” and complain that “they don’t sew beautiful outfits for fat women like me.”

Refrain from making unflattering comments about your daughter’s appearance - for her now, any critical remark about her figure is especially painful. You probably don’t want to offend her when you say: “With your figure, it’s better not to wear such dresses,” but some neutral phrase like: “Let’s try on a few more models” would be much better received.

Tell your daughter that the fashion for skinny boyish figures was created artificially by male designers, among whom there are a lot of people with non-traditional sexual orientation. Explain that the weight loss industry is a very profitable business. But there is no single standard of beauty!

Fortunately, in last years unhealthy thinness is no longer popular - girls with normal figures and natural faces are increasingly looking at us from advertising posters. If your daughter is still concerned about the idea of ​​losing weight, convince her not to rely on “quick” diets offered by glossy magazines.

After all, for correct formation For a growing body, it is important that the diet be balanced! It's better to visit a good nutritionist together. He will tell you how to adjust your diet in such a way as to achieve the desired effect. And motivate your daughter to play sports. Your arguments will be more convincing if you go to the gym with the whole family.

Attention! If your daughter refuses to eat or provokes vomiting after eating, find an opportunity to urgently consult with a good psychologist and therapist: such signs may indicate serious emotional and physiological disorders!

Problem 4. Alcohol and nicotine

Among teenagers, alcohol and nicotine are often considered essential attributes of growing up. How to react if you find a pack of cigarettes in your daughter’s purse or discover that she came home drunk?

Our advice. Sooner or later, almost every teenager tries cigarettes and strong drinks. The question is whether this experiment will be a one-time thing. And this largely depends on the parents, because family traditions stronger than the influence of the street. Think about it: what kind of drinking culture does your child observe in his parents’ home?

If a daughter or son sees that it is customary for adults to finish an empty bottle of alcohol the same evening, and to celebrate celebrations until they are blue in the face, it is likely that in the future the child will adhere to the same strategy. If parents only occasionally treat themselves to a glass of good wine at dinner, the offspring is unlikely to develop a painful craving for alcohol. The same can be said about smoking.

If you and your husband don't smoke, it's unlikely that your daughter will develop a nicotine addiction—even if she tries cigarettes a few times. And if you talk about the dangers of nicotine, and at the same time smoke a cigarette, such moralizing will be of little use. Keep in mind that ultimatum prohibitions, as a rule, lead to the exact opposite result, creating the effect of forbidden fruit. It is much more effective to have a heart-to-heart talk with a teenager as an equal, as with an adult. Stories about various diseases as “anti-tobacco” arguments, as a rule, work poorly - in adolescence, it seems to all of us that we will always be as cheerful, healthy and full of energy as we are now.

Most likely, your daughter will be much more impressed by the story about the state of her skin and teeth after a few months of smoking. During such a conversation, try to move away from the role of the “correct” mother and moralizer. If at one time you yourself happened to smoke and then quit, tell your daughter about this experience: it can be very useful for her. Even if you still smoke, tell your teen that you really regret that things are the way they are and that if you could turn back time, you would never have taken your first puff. Don’t be afraid to seem weak or uneducational - your frankness will build a bridge of mutual understanding between you and give your daughter a chance not to repeat your mistakes.

Problem 5. Relationship with father

Regardless of whether a girl grows up in a complete family or not, adolescence is often a time of tough confrontation with her father. Should the mother intervene in this confrontation or, on the contrary, is it better to take a neutral position?

Our advice. Whether we like it or not, the father always remains the main man in the life of every girl. At least, that's what psychologists say. And they insist that the relationship with the parent dictates the style of relationships with all representatives of the opposite sex. Of course, it’s good when a father and daughter have complete mutual understanding, when the head of the family surrounds his women - his wife and daughter - with sincere care, admiration and attention. Then the formation of femininity in a growing girl takes place without “distortions”, and a model of harmonious relationships between a man and a woman is laid in her mind.
But reality is far from ideal and such an idyll does not happen in all families. The main thing a girl needs to know is that her dad loves her. Try to convey this to her. Explain what feelings actually lie behind certain fatherly actions (for example, a taboo on discos may be dictated by fear for his daughter). At the same time, it is important to make the girl understand that the father is the head of the family and the right to make the final decision in controversial situations remains with him. This balance of power is also important for the teenager himself - so as not to lose ground under his feet.

Have a heart-to-heart talk with your spouse. Explain to him what difficult experiences your daughter is experiencing now, remember together how the puberty period proceeded for each of you - this will help you better understand your child. And don’t be shy about showing your daughter your love for her - this is exactly the case when it’s impossible to overdo it.

Problem 6: Teenage idols

In her room, all the walls are covered with posters depicting some young man with a dubious appearance. Or she voraciously reads glamorous novels and obscure fantasy. Or maybe she wears all black, dyes her hair a crazy color, and wears a ring on her tongue. Does this worry you?

Our advice. Today's youth have many different cultural values ​​than their parents. However, this has been the case at all times: this is how the notorious generational conflict manifests itself. Remember how, as a student, you collected records of Michael Jackson and Yura Shatunov. And our great-grandmothers probably kept photographs of the young Vertinsky in their silk reticules. So nothing extraordinary is happening to your daughter - the need to create idols for themselves is observed in all generations of young ladies.

The best thing you can do for your daughter right now is to respect her feelings. There is no need to tell her that her love for a singer or artist is a priori doomed to lack of reciprocity, or to assure her that soon her feeling will pass, “like smoke from white apple trees.” Instead, let the girl know that you understand her feelings. Tell her that once you, too, were in love with the lead singer of “Tender May,” collected all the group’s records and even wrote a letter to Yura Shatunov. And then I met the one who became the father of your children - and a completely different story began.

Even if you are annoyed by the books, music and films that your daughter is interested in, or the informal friends with whom she communicates, do not rush to show your condemnation. Better try to understand her values. Ask her to recommend some of her favorite books or tell you about goths and emo. Who knows when you'll find out about inner world more for your daughter - perhaps you will find something interesting in it for yourself? In any case, the chances for mutual understanding and mutual trust with this approach are much greater!

No one can support and console like a mother. And at the same time, no one’s ridicule, reproach or moralizing - said with intent or dropped casually - can hurt as much as from the lips of a mother. Remember this, and it will be easier for you to find mutual understanding with your daughter.

You are not rivals!

Sometimes the growing up of a daughter awakens in the mother feelings that she herself is ashamed of: jealousy, envy, irritation. Psychologists recommend not to suppress “shameful” emotions, but to understand the reasons that caused them.

During adolescence, maternal traits appear more and more clearly in a girl - and a daughter, like a mirror, can reflect those qualities that her mother does not accept in herself. In this case, irritation with your daughter is, in fact, rejection of yourself. Instead of “reshaping” a difficult teenager, figure out your complexes (perhaps with the help a good psychologist). When peace and harmony reign in your soul, your relationship with your daughter will become better.

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Child age: 14

I can not find mutual language with daughter

Hello! My daughter will be 14 in a month. I can't find a common language. He speaks to me only in an orderly tone, and opens the door to my room with his foot. He calls me names, so it’s embarrassing to write. The most harmless "stupid sheep". I rarely punish, I turn off the Internet. Today she turned it off, she wrote me an SMS telling me to die, and to bury me with pigs, etc. The situation is complicated by my mother's behavior. When she starts behaving like this, my mother is not on my side, but starts scolding the two of us because we can’t find a common language. I once again I try not to notice attacks in my direction so that my mother does not get nervous, she is 77 years old, and she immediately feels bad. In addition to this behavior, the daughter does nothing around the house. Sometimes the dishes will be taken out of the room and that’s it. And she can also cook something for herself. If you ask her to do something, she says that she is not a slave. I understand that I am to blame for this situation, but I no longer have the strength to tolerate this behavior, and I don’t know how to correct it.

Maria

Hello Maria.

– this is a difficult stage in your daughter’s life. Unfortunately, during this period, all the mistakes parents made in the earlier upbringing of the child manifest themselves in a negative way. It is best for you now to contact a psychologist for an in-person consultation. Even if your daughter does not want to go with you, a specialist will help you find out what your mistakes were and how to correct them now.

In my opinion, you need to reconsider your own position that you take in relation to other family members. You tolerate your mother’s accusations because you are afraid to worry her, you do not react to your daughter’s insults because you don’t know how. It seems that you are ready to sacrifice yourself for the peace of others. But, more often than not, your loved ones don’t really need this and can even cause harm, as your relationship with your daughter shows.

The girl’s conflict is that she already feels like an independent adult, but does not yet fully understand the meaning of the word “independence.” And your task is to explain it, not only and not so much with words, but with actions. It is important to show your daughter that this concept includes not only freedom and personal space, but also responsibility. Perhaps you are used to doing things instead of her or eliminating all the results of her wrong actions. This prevents her from understanding that every action has consequences for which she must be held accountable. Leave her alone not only in your room, but also with your tasks: if you want to eat, go to the grocery store and cook, if you want to live in cleanliness, clean up, if you want respect for yourself, show it to others.

But, at the same time, she also needs your support, despite the fact that she carefully hides it. Therefore, try to restore her trust in you, study with her and accept her negative emotions, but not behavior.

Anastasia Vyalykh,
Family psychologist

Instructions

Respect your daughter, be proud, always talk about your love for her, even in moments of disobedience and whim, but at the same time focus on the fact that her unseemly actions and words cause you great pain. heartache, and therefore punishment is a consequence of such behavior.

If the attention of a 1-5 year old child can be diverted from whims to another area of ​​interest, a schoolchild can be forced to obey the demands of his parents, then many do not know what to expect. All that remains is to wait for the hormones to “settle down” and point them in the right direction. But at the same time, constantly be interested in her affairs sincerely, and not just for show.

For example, if your daughter puts on makeup at the age of 10, teach her how to use children’s cosmetics; wears only fashionable, expensive brands - get a job during the holidays or give a list of mandatory tasks with a price list; painted walls and a mess in the room - you have to put up with it, its territory, but the rest of the rooms of the apartment should be perfectly clean.

Before deciding on punishment, try to understand the reason for a child’s behavior. Sometimes there is a noble motive behind a child’s misdemeanor, but due to the child’s short-sightedness and maximalism, more “nasties” result. For example, to please her mother, her daughter made a sponge cake for the first time, taking the last 25 eggs and half a bottle of wine and getting the kitchen completely dirty.

Prohibitions will also lead to nothing, but will only fuel children’s curiosity, so answer all your child’s questions sincerely and thoroughly. Remember, while she asks questions, it means that something is unclear to her; if she switches her attention to other interests, it means that the question has been settled. By the way, your child can get answers to his questions from other people, but where is the guarantee that this information will not harm the baby.

If a girl defends her territory, then she is, in principle, right, then together draw up a charter, where you will spell out the rights and responsibilities of each family member, as well as penalties for violating the agreement. For example, for excellent academic performance throughout the entire school year, a daughter is awarded a trip to the sea, and poor grades for the year will lead to a labor camp.

Make it a rule every evening to take an interest in each other’s affairs, help with words and deeds, and share family problems. A child who is included in the life of the family, lives with the problems of his parents, will cause them less pain. For example, a daughter will not ask for a new fur coat, knowing that her father was laid off at work, or will take on household responsibilities, knowing that her mother cannot overwork herself for six months afterward.

Your son, who used to share all his secrets, suddenly begins to answer all questions with a sullen “yes” or “no”, and your daughter no longer wants to go shopping with you? This is probably adolescence. Do not despair. This is quite natural, and even moreover, it is important for children to distance themselves from their parents during this period. But for adults, such distance can be painful, and they think... We have selected a few tips on how to find a common language with teenagers.

Give your teenager some freedom

Give them more independence. This will help them create themselves, their own individuality. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't intervene if your teen gets involved with bad people.

Prohibit wisely

Don't pick on teenagers over minor things. Purple hair or a messy room is not a reason for a scandal. Another thing is tattoos or bad deeds. Give reasons for your prohibitions - this will help you find a common language with teenagers.

Define rules and discipline in advance

Both parents are involved in raising teenagers, so discuss in advance what is acceptable and what is not. Whether you prohibit your teenager from using the Internet or reduce the amount of pocket money - everything should be discussed in advance.

Discuss boundaries

Give teenagers age-appropriate independence. But you should always know where they are. If you feel necessary, request that your teen call you during the evening.

Talk to your teen about risks

Discuss an action plan

Tell your teen, “If your only option is to get into a car with a drunk driver, call me. I don’t care if it’s three o’clock in the morning.” Talk to your child about different potential dangerous situations and them possible solutions. This way you will not only keep him as safe as possible, but also show that you can be trusted. And this is an important step if you want to find a common language with a teenager.

Allow your child to feel guilty

A lot depends on self-esteem. having a good opinion of yourself is normal. But people should feel bad if they hurt someone or did something wrong. Teenagers need to feel guilty sometimes too. Guilt is a healthy emotion. And it’s normal to feel it when we’ve done something wrong.

Invite your teen's friends over for dinner

Don't talk about it very openly. This will only alienate your teenager. Invite your child's friends over. When the children will see. How friends behave with their parents can help them get to know them better. Yes, and you may see something good in them.

Conflicts with a child inevitably arise in any family. Psychologists say that the most common reasons Such conflicts are a violation of the child’s boundaries, which he begins to realize from about 3 years old. The baby actively resists the parents' instructions. This defense of independence can continue at 3, 7, and 9 years old, taking different forms. How to find a common language with your child?

Nobody likes criticism. Remember how you felt when you received harsh criticism or prohibitions. Then you will feel what a wave of indignation rises in the child.

The irritation and resentment that the baby experiences prevent him from making contact, much less doing what they want from him. Learn to soften, although sometimes it is very difficult. Criticism plus praise - and the result is completely different!

2. We offer choice

Of course, you need to follow a routine or do household chores. And often resistance is caused not by the fact that this needs to be done, but by the peremptory tone. Offer a choice, but not too extensive: make allowances for age.

The opportunity to choose and make a decision greatly increases self-esteem, and you still have control over your baby’s behavior.

3. We don’t distract you from important matters.

This simple rule is often difficult for parents to follow. Simply because most of the child’s affairs seem unimportant to us. Do you collect Lego? So what, it’s just a game, and mom needs to talk to you right now.

Are you talking to your friend? Still talking about nonsense, and grandma wants to show you how to bake pancakes.

There is no need to devalue your child’s actions and consider your own to be much more important. Respect his personal space. Imagine how an adult would react in his place?

But asking your child if he can postpone the task is an excellent solution.

4. We know how to deviate from the rules

When an adult plays with a child, often all the rules of the games have long been “laid down” in his mind. By forcing the child to follow the rules, we think that this is a good educational moment, because in adult life there are a lot of “shoulds” to come to terms with.

But what about creativity, initiative, imagination? An adult will find them much more useful than boring frames. Let your child come up with his own rules, name the game differently. What if the new game turns out to be much more fun and brighter than the usual one? And if not, this is a perfect illustration of the fact that new things are not necessarily better, but it’s still worth trying.

5. We don’t force help

What kind of patience can there be when a child spends so long digging around or makes mistakes? I just want to take it and do it instead!

“Turn on Zen” and do not impose your help unless absolutely necessary. Do you want your baby to grow up independent? Have the patience not to help until he asks. “Let me do it for you!” does not bring anything good and kills initiative. Let him make his mistakes.

When people consult with you, it is very pleasant, it means that your opinion is valued. Asking for advice is especially effective with younger students: at this age, they are eager to take on more responsibility.

Ask direct questions, help make decisions, this will allow the child to feel like a serious person, and you will show him that trust is very important between close people.

7. We worry not for the child, but with him

When a child talks about his problems, we feel sorry for him and want to immediately literally put into his head all the right actions. "I told you!" - breaks out against his will. The mother begins to get nervous, worry, emotionally give advice and give out assessments - all this can only push the child away.

Don’t come from a “top-down” position, but don’t devalue the child’s experiences either. Stay close. Does he want to cry? Let him cry. Let your child understand that his feelings are important, calmly talk through the situation and how you can get out of it.

8. Discuss hypothetical situations

Discussing hypothetical situations about the other child and parents, or discussing movies and books, is a pretty effective technique if you want your child to realize something. But the key to success is a calm environment and the child’s desire to discuss anything.

“Vanya began to fight often. Why do you think he fights? Can his parents help him?

An important point: when discussing imaginary situations, there is no need to return the child to “reality” with questions like “Are you familiar with this situation?” Don't think that the child won't understand your trick. If the situation is close to him, he will think about it even without your prompting, and will also hear everything that you want to convey to him.

Transferring the situation to the child will destroy all the “magic”.

9. Don't forget about a sense of humor

Who will teach a child that humor helps to cope with difficult situations and defuse the situation, except for parents?

Funny parodies, talking toys and objects, the ability to simply laugh together while watching a cartoon - all this is very important for a good atmosphere in the family. By showing your acting abilities and imagination, you teach this to your child. In addition, many cases are resolved faster not with the help of demands, but with the help of humor.

But be careful - children react very strongly to sarcasm and malicious banter.

Is this advice from psychologists close to you? What techniques do you use when communicating with your child?