How to raise a child so that he does not grow up to be selfish? Raising a child, how not to raise an egoist, proper upbringing, children's egoism How not to raise an egoist in the family
What's worth knowing? Over the past decades, parents have been encouraged to satisfy their children's every desire, to praise them at every turn, even if they have done nothing good, and not to reprimand or punish them. It was believed that when a child is instilled with the idea of his own exclusivity, he will have good self-esteem. However, what came of it? One book on parenting says, “Instead of well-adjusted, happy children, the self-esteem fad has created a whole generation of petty narcissists” (“Generation Me”).
Many children, whom their parents always praised for everything, turned out to be unprepared for disappointments, criticism and inevitable failures in life. adult life. Because they have been taught to think only about their own desires, they find it difficult to form long-term relationships. Therefore, they often suffer from anxiety and depression.
A child develops a healthy sense of self-esteem not when he is constantly told that he is special, but when he achieves concrete results. To do this, it is not enough to just believe in yourself: you need to acquire knowledge, apply it in practice and improve your art in work. We must also take care of others. Therefore, a child needs humility.
WHAT CAN BE DONE
Give praise when the child really deserves it. If your daughter earns a good grade, praise her. And if you get a bad one, then don’t rush to blame the teacher. Otherwise, your child is unlikely to learn to be humble. Explain to her what to do to prevent this from happening next time. Save your praise for when your daughter has something to praise for. Correct when necessary. This does not mean that you should criticize your child for every little thing. But we cannot turn a blind eye to serious mistakes and bad inclinations. Otherwise they will become part of the child's character. By giving instructions with love, parents teach the child humility without hurting his sense of dignity.
Prepare your child for real life. If parents fulfill every whim of a child, he gets used to the fact that his desire is the law.
Don't try to protect your child from every unpleasant situation, but prepare him for the difficulties he will face in adulthood.
Nurture generosity in children. Show by your own example that “there is more happiness in giving rather than taking.”
Together you could make a list of those who need help with shopping, a ride somewhere, or repair something. Take your child with you when you help someone on this list. Let him see how much joy and pleasure it brings you to care for others. If you want to teach a child humility, your own example is the most effective method.
The child must be loved.
And first of all, parents are obliged to love the child.
But not all parents understand that loving does not mean indulging him in everything and satisfying all his whims.
Communicating with many parents and teachers, it becomes clear that many children grow up selfish. And it is their parents who instill this selfishness in them.
I started writing a post on this topic several times and deleted it several times. But yesterday’s story, which I unwittingly witnessed, brought me back to writing. I won’t describe the story itself in detail, but I will still dare to talk about the topic of children’s selfishness.
Some parents think their children are perfect. Ideal in everything: in studies, behavior, friendship.
But how many parents know that their children outside the family are completely different? I think many people guess. And the ideal behavior that suits parents is not always ideal in other places.
A teacher, making a remark to a child, often does not see a reaction on his part, but hears a million words from the child in his own defense. The child begins to argue, prove that he is right and even argue with the teacher. This is fine? No, many will say, if it concerns someone else’s child. But if a teacher makes a remark to a specific parent of a specific child, then the reaction is often inadequate. The parent also begins to argue and prove the correctness of his child’s action, and to the question: “Would you have done the same?” replies that there was a different time and other children.
And all because the generation of young parents today is completely unprepared to accept negative feedback towards their offspring.
As soon as a teacher or God forbid one of the neighbors makes a remark about the child, a wave of rejection and even aggression from the parents immediately arises. Parents do not understand and do not want to understand that there are situations when they need to intervene as quickly as possible so that a more terrible disaster does not happen.
Parents, remember if school teachers They tell you that your child behaves badly, shows aggression towards classmates, spends all breaks on his phone, tries to look into it during lessons, conclusions need to be drawn in relation to the child, not the teachers.
Today our children are growing up in much better conditions what we lived with. Much more is available to them, and parents’ opportunities often allow them to pamper their children. But this does not mean that everything should be laid at the child’s feet at his first request. You shouldn’t satisfy all your baby’s whims. You should not bow down and worship children. We must love them. They are the center of the Universe for us, but they should not perceive themselves that way.
Otherwise, they will grow up to be selfish. Not always getting what you want is normal.
Every parent wants their child to not only love them, but also respect them. Are we going too far when we constantly insist that everything that parents do is done for a happy future child? The tutors are the best. Just study. Parents go out of their way to pay for them, deny themselves everything, just so that the child can be happy. And the child goes to school to chill, sit on the phone, and not react to the teacher’s curtsies in front of the board. He knows that the tutor will give what he needs, but this is unnecessary.
Do we think about the fact that, having become an adult, the child still has a consumerist attitude towards his parents and resentment arises if they did not pay their entire pension or, God forbid, allowed themselves something extra?
You shouldn’t solve all school problems for your children.
We must be able to give the child freedom to think and act as he thinks. But sometimes listen and give good advice or the right direction is important. Do not indulge or blame the teacher, but listen to the child and give him the right advice. But do all children ask their parents for advice? If not, then children do not have trust in their parents. And the parents themselves are to blame for this. And it’s too late to ask the child questions and shout that we loved you and lived only for you.
You have to live for yourself. Parents should have their own lives and their own successes. Children need the right role models. Become one!
You cannot constantly tell a child that he should be better and more successful than others. You can’t turn a child’s life into an endless competition.
I am sure that many of you know excellent school “athletes” who graduated from school with a medal, graduated from college with honors and got lost. Life is not a competition. Life is different. It's not just a fight for first place. This is joy, love, and happiness today and now, and the happier your child’s childhood is, the happier a person he will grow up to be. But a child’s happiness cannot be based on his permissiveness and the fulfillment of his whims.
One teacher recently told me that the most withdrawn, aggressive, touchy and complex children are those who have no childhood, whose parents, out of fear that they will end up in bad company, make the most of after school with music, dancing, sports, foreign languages, drawing and many other clubs and sections. Children do not rest, children are overloaded and are not able to fully assimilate the material during lessons.
Today, many parents have forgotten their childhood and do not want to understand that every child should have the right to childhood.
Moreover, the teacher said, many parents simply show off in front of each other, compete as if with their financial capabilities, paying for expensive clubs and sections, tutors and various activities, thus showing parental love and care. Is this what love and care consist of?
Many parents realize their unfulfilled dreams in their children, not realizing that this way they still will not get the ideal child they dream of. He will still become what he wants to become, if he has enough willpower or does not become anyone, just an offended egoist.
We all know that every child has his own character and his own internal moral compass. A child inherits character from his parents, whether we want to believe it or not, but it is so. But a moral compass is what we, parents, teachers, give to the child. the world around us. This is a mirror of our work, care, love, our attitude.
And in order not to raise a child to be an egoist, we must not humiliate and condemn everyone around us, but ourselves become kinder, better, more attentive to our parents, loved ones, neighbors, teachers, friends and to the world around us in general. And then children will grow up to be worthy people, and there will be no tears of resentment and pain in the eyes of their parents.
Selfishness is far from the most pleasant trait in a person. But, often, parents themselves do not realize how they are making their child self-centered. Over time, moms and dads become the first to suffer from the fruits of their upbringing.
How to avoid mistakes and raise a child in harmony with the world around him?
“Child-centrism” is the first step to selfishness
Exaggerating the importance of a child is one of the terrible scourges of our time. Parents are literally delighted with every action of their baby, good or bad. This cannot be done. Treat your child adequately: do not praise in vain, but do not ignore truly important actions.
Don't force your views on him
Over time, the child himself will figure out what is good and what is bad. There is no need to forcefully “train” him to be just like you. This deprives children of all motivation and does not allow them to develop their interests and their own views.
Don't do your child's work
If you don’t want to raise a lazy person with no initiative, then let your child cope with the assigned tasks himself. If he doesn’t know how to do it, teach him, show him how to do it, but don’t snatch him out of your hands. Remember that it is natural for a child not to understand or be able to do something; he is just learning to live.
Let's set a positive example
You teach your child that you need to share and help others, but at the same time you yourself deny small help neighbor/relative/friend. A conflict arises in the baby’s head, and moral ideas become vague.
Don't bribe a child
Paying/bonuses for good grades or cleaning the room reduces the value of the actions themselves and makes the child think only about the benefit, and not about his own good. The baby becomes interested only in receiving a cash “bonus”, a promised toy, or sweets.
Overprotection harms children
Do not try to devote too much time to raising a child, cultivating moral values and guardianship. This simply irritates the baby, and he has a desire to do the opposite. Constant excessive care atrophies any interest in knowledge and leads to the child’s psychological and emotional immaturity.
If you notice that the child’s attention is focused only on himself, then it’s time to take active measures to combat developing egoism. How to do it:
- stop “serving” the child in everything, let him make the bed, do his homework and clear away his plates after meals;
- let your child feel the consequences of his decisions, let him understand how his actions or inactions affect his quality of life/relationships with people; his own experience is always more valuable than wise advice;
- give your child homework, let him perform feasible tasks for the benefit of the whole family (wash the dishes, vacuum the carpet in the living room, etc.);
- take an interest in the successes of your child’s friends, talk about them in a positive way;
- develop your baby's social life;
- Teach your child to help other people and animals.
Altruism and healthy egoism
Nurturing altruistic qualities will help avoid the formation of egoism. Explain to your child that sometimes others need help, and show by your own example how important it is to pay attention to the interests of others. Teach him good deeds, sympathize with others, be friendly.
However, in pursuit of raising an altruistic personality, do not forget to explain to the child that his interests are also important and matter. Teach him to give in, but not to belittle the importance of his own desires. For example: a child accepts the terms of his friend’s game and knows how to give in - excellent. He does this all the time and takes a “subordinate” position - bad. Teach your child to interact with the world, explain and defend his position with words and the right actions.
Busy couples and mothers raise one child and stop there. Is it possible that in the near future society will consist of selfish adults who demand increased attention and are incapable of any healthy connections?
Does a child who grows up without brothers and sisters really turn from a small capricious baby into an adult person who is unpleasant for everyone? And is it possible to raise from an only child in a family a person who knows how to build relationships with the environment.
Modern experts look at this problem differently. Firstly, it is no longer considered something reprehensible for adults. Secondly, the ugly characteristic of “selfishness” may not always appear just because you have an only child.
Myths about only children
A child who grows up alone is excessively surrounded by the attention and care of adults, always gets what he wants on demand, is not ready to accept refusals.
In fact. What leads to spoiling is not the adult’s agreement to help or meet halfway (buy a toy, help with homework), but the willingness to give up one’s desires for the sake of children’s whims. So you can “put anyone on your neck”, and not always a child.
An only child grows up dependent because he does not have time to gain the necessary personal experience.- Adults always help him.
In fact. Modern children spend catastrophically little time in the company of their parents, so they are threatened with an overabundance of help and support only from grandmothers, nannies and governesses. Lack of independence can also be a symptom of “younger” children, who are often in the care of adult brothers and sisters. If from an early age your child has his own responsibilities that are feasible for him, in the future he will be able to fulfill the requirements for both school and work assignments.
The only child is used to getting what he wants through manipulation- whims, threats and disobedience.
In fact. This way of interacting with parents arises out of rather than excess. Children do not understand their desires, often demanding a toy or sweets in order to simply switch attention to themselves. Without delving into his real needs, parents can meet him halfway, but the problem is not solved. There are more and more toys, but at the same time the feeling that you have simply been brushed aside intensifies.
Children like adults
Raising an only child still has its challenges. By giving birth to one, parents may imply that controlling him is not too much of a burden. There is time left for your career, self-care and own life. There is a danger of going to extremes, and the child finds himself completely abandoned. The problem of selfishness here is no longer the only one and not the worst.
Children growing up without brothers and sisters are more likely to be in the company of their parents than in their own childhood. There are advantages - such children are ahead of their peers in intellectual development and are distinguished by more conscious behavior. At the same time, the child is forced to constantly participate in the lives of adults, involuntarily becoming an interlocutor in topics for which he is not mentally prepared: chores around the house, problems of relationships between relatives, etc. Not all parents know how to separate their lives from the life of the child and devote time specifically to children’s issues. classes. Although you still can’t play with your mother as much as you can with your sister or brother.
Getting used to the fact that mom and dad’s attention is not divided among several children, but belongs to him alone, the child will count on privileged treatment in another society. In the kindergarten group and at school, he will have to get used to the fact that for a teacher he is the same as everyone else.
Being one-on-one with his parents, the child tries to become ideal, the best and flawless for his parents. This can result in his overestimating demands on himself if adults support or encourage him.
No more
Many of the difficulties of raising an only child arise around the parental decision- give birth to only one baby. Requests for a brother and sister will inevitably arise, as well as questions about why it so happens that they do not exist and, perhaps, will not exist. It is important how balanced and consciously adults themselves accept this.
The majority are not against a second and third child, but do not consider themselves to have the right to deprive one for financial reasons and because of employment. Someone is not mature and doubts. If there is anxiety in adults, it can also affect children's calmness. Therefore, it is very important to answer questions, explain why such a decision was made and how you feel about it.
You can compensate your baby for the absence of brothers and sisters if you pay attention to the following rules:
. It’s better not to get hung up on raising a child, but to look for a balance between participating in his life and in your “adult” life. This way, distance is maintained and a feeling of security is created. Only children often become “friends” to their parents, which diminishes the parental status itself. This can create the illusion that there are no authorities; it is not necessary to listen to elders, because you are already on the same wavelength as them;
. try not to “close” the borders of your own family, visit, invite. In a relaxed, free atmosphere with other people (not in a school where there are requirements and rules), children gain a variety of communication experiences;
. A child's selfishness is dangerous, first of all, for himself in the future. The consequences will be not that he is the only one, but that . It is important that your mood and attitude towards him do not depend on his successes or failures.
Little children are surrounded on all sides by the love of their families. Mom, dad, grandmothers, aunties, parents' friends, at the baby's first request, fulfill all his whims. It seems that the whole world revolves only around the child.
In early childhood this state of affairs is normal occurrence. The baby has not yet thought about the fact that the people around him also have their own desires and interests, and that sometimes it is worth giving in to the needs of others. And to nurture and develop such traits in a child’s character as: mercy, the ability to show care, respect for the older generation and others is one of the main tasks of parents.
Complex of “vitamins” against selfishness:
Let's look at the main points in the behavior of parents, which often awaken and feed notes of selfishness in the child. And if adjustments are not made in a timely manner, then the sweet baby will turn into an irreversible egoist and cold-blooded manipulator.
Is excessive attention a good thing?
Many mothers simply “blow away specks of dust” from their children, justifying themselves by saying that “he was so hard for me,” or “he’s my only son, let him have everything that I didn’t have.” Excessive care for a child is a direct path to Selfishness! Yes, if it is possible to buy this or that item or include it in at the moment TV, then you can meet the child’s wishes. But if it is clearly visible that the baby is deliberately capricious and requires increased attention, then he needs to be explained that his wishes will not always be fulfilled at this very moment.
It is imperative to justify the reason in cases of refusal or extension of the deadline. This approach will teach the baby patience, the ability to negotiate, give in and prioritize. In addition, if you often give gifts and make purchases on demand, the child will simply stop appreciating things and your attitude towards him.
Praise is a medal with two sides
You can and should praise your children, but you should do it wisely. It's no secret that for every parent, their child is the smartest, most beautiful, talented and beloved. You want to kiss and praise him every minute, especially in early age. Moderate your ardor a little. Admire, but in moderation. It is also important to rejoice at his achievements and praise him for the work done (“what beautiful applique you did it...").
Such balancing in praise will prevent your child from developing star fever and will eliminate the complex of seeking the love of a parent “for results.” Discuss his interests with your child more often, find out about his future plans and goals that he would like to achieve. He must have an incentive for self-development. And your children will grow up to be self-sufficient, successful and self-confident people.
Caring for people and nature is a balm for the soul
The best counterbalance to selfishness is altruism. Help your child learn the feeling of selflessness, learn to show mercy and develop observation skills, cultivate respect for nature and the older generation. From an early age, explain to your child about the feelings and interests of other people. And over time, he will learn to compare his mood with his environment and react accordingly to the situation. Share your emotions and thoughts with him. Talk about his friends, discuss your favorite fairy tale characters and their actions.
Foster in your child a sense of responsibility, especially for those who have been tamed. And if the baby wants to have a pet, then you need to explain that you need to not only play with it, but also look after it, and this will entail the expenditure of time, effort and organization. That you will help, but not do everything for him.
Try to develop all the child’s manifestations of independence, and not suppress. If your son wants to help clean up, let him do it. Even though the cleaning will take longer and will not be as high quality, it will instill respect for the work of others and increase the further desire to help.
Financial incentives or use your imagination?
When parents are faced with a child’s contradiction, they often try to resolve the issue with material bribes or entertainment: “if you pass the exam with flying colors, I’ll buy a bicycle,” “if you brush your teeth, you can watch a cartoon,” and so on. In a fairly short time, the child will get used to such “prepayment”, but no positive notes will be added to his character.
Doing work “under duress” has never brought moral pleasure or the opportunity for self-realization. Therefore, it is very important to motivate children so that doing even the most mundane work is entertaining and fun (for example, turn washing dishes and cleaning the apartment into a quest).
Society, the ability to give and lose
Communication with your peers also gives positive results. IN kindergarten, at school, on the playground in the yard, the child begins to notice that he is not alone in this world. There are people around him who also need care and love. Communicating with peers and adults, the little man learns equality and gradually realizes himself as a part of society.
Only personal achievements and independent decisions made
Many parents sin by raising their heirs in their own footsteps and achievements, or trying to realize unfulfilled dreams and ambitions in their little one. For the sake of victories and rewards, parents are ready to do housework for him and limit his communication with peers. And when the child begins to resist, they are accused of selfishness and ingratitude. This will only worsen the child’s psychological state and make him withdrawn.
It is very important to teach your child to make his own decisions. He can turn to his parents for advice. This is fine. Tell him, give him some advice. But the child must make the final choice himself.
Raising a person is a difficult task. But only loving parents will help the child grow into a responsible and independent person without any inclinations of selfishness. Patience and good luck to you!
