A divorced woman with two children receives advice from a psychologist. Is there life after divorce? A young mother of two children tells. I realized that I need to start a new life

There are situations that can be classified as ideal, when spouses separate amicably, without any special complaints or insults towards each other. In such a situation, life is much easier for a woman, because, as a rule, the man provides her with support, including financial support, and spends enough time with their common child.

This way, their child knows that he still has a mom and dad, they just live separately.

There are difficulties

Sometimes not everything works out as smoothly as we would like. In fact, the woman is left with the child in her arms completely alone, without any support or help.

Then you have to act immediately - plan in a new way family budget. Still, the child needs to be fed, clothed and given everything he needs. In this case, the most difficult thing is to find a balance between free time and work. Some devote themselves entirely to professional activities and simply do not notice what is happening around them. Let them fully provide financially for themselves and their child, but this is not enough.

The child needs attention. And often parents try to compensate for its lack through expensive gifts, sweets, travel and other pleasant little things.

If you don’t maintain contact with your father at all, you don’t need to tell him how bad person is his dad. This will create a negative image in the head of a son or daughter not only of his parent, but of all men in general. If a woman is raising her son alone, it is best to enroll him in sports section, where a child would have a male mentor. Sometimes the role of a “strong hand” can be played by an uncle or grandfather.

The girl also doesn’t need to be told stories like “everything is her own..”, otherwise she will think that all men are just like that, and is unlikely to find family happiness in the future.

In addition, you don’t need to give up on yourself: don’t stop taking care of yourself, try to look good. One unsuccessful marriage is not a tragedy, but just life experience. Perhaps fate will give you a second chance to build a strong family, and thanks to this, your children will have a “new dad.”

It is even more difficult to find a life partner when a woman has two children. If a man can accept one baby, then he will think about two. After all, this is a great responsibility – both moral and material. To get married after divorce, listen to a few tips:

1. Children are not a hindrance. If your personal life isn't working out, don't blame them for it. There will be a man who will accept them and love them like family. There is no need to be ashamed of your own children, much less hide them from the man you have designs on. If you do not perceive them as an obstacle to family happiness, then no one will do this.
2. Don't show your problems, no matter how difficult it is. It is clear that raising children alone is difficult, but no man likes complaints about how difficult it is for you, how you don’t have enough money and how lonely you are.
3. There is no need to devote yourself entirely to children. Of course, they need attention and care, but don't forget about yourself. Support good shape, spend time on your hobbies, communicate with friends.
4. As already mentioned, there is no need to hide your motherhood when meeting a man. But it’s also not worth talking about children constantly, hinting that they need a father. A man may think that you are only looking for a father for your children and financial stability.
5. If you have parenting problems: awkward age, poor performance, bad habits. Having heard about this, it is unlikely that a man will want to mess with your children. On the contrary, you need to impress upon him how nice they are, how easy it is for you to get along with them.
6. But at the same time, you cannot sacrifice the interests of your children. If you feel that a man will never be a good father to them or at least a friend, then you should not start a relationship with him.
7. Put your man in perspective. If you see that he is not in the mood for a serious relationship, then think about whether you need such a man. Don't waste your time on him.
8. There is no need to force children on a man. Wait until he expresses a desire to meet you. But if your chosen one does not strive to do this for a long time, is not interested in them, this is also a reason to think about his choice.

These simple tips will help you how to get married with two or more children.

My close friend in a pre-divorce state, remains on hand small child. My friend is constantly on the verge of depression. What depresses her is not even the fact of divorce, but the fact that she will be left alone, because “who needs one with a child, and even at 30 years old.” Of course, our sympathy, her friends, does not evoke a response, because... we are “all built in.”

Are there any of the group members who got married with a child or just live happily in civil marriage?

And please write, how long after the divorce did you meet your new love?

I just want to show by the example of others that life does not end either after 30 or after a divorce.

I got married after my first divorce with a child! 😉 I met my second husband 3.5 years after my divorce from my first - I just had time to relax)))) At the time of my second marriage, I was 30 years old.

Archpriest Oleg Kitov, Dean of the Bezymyansky district of Samara, answers readers’ questions. Help me, if possible, understand this situation. My husband met another woman at work, twelve years younger. She divorced her husband, and soon my husband began meeting with her, not only during working hours, but also after work, late, at night, citing work.

Of course, even the most practical and realistic women, when they get married, hope for a long and happy life together, rosy-cheeked children surrounded by mom and dad. There is no need to say that plans are not always fulfilled; statistics know no pity - the number of divorces today is almost equal to the number of registered marriages.

And how many surviving families can be called families in the full sense of the word?

So, the divorce process is over, there is a stamp in the passport, the hated husband is not nearby, the sofa is empty, the sports channel is silent. What to do and how to live next after a divorce? If you decide to get a divorce, it means that something didn’t suit you. life together. And it doesn’t matter who is wrong and who is right, the marriage is broken. There is physically no person nearby with whom you spent many (or maybe a few) years of your life.

Undoubtedly, there were also joyful moments: these were beautiful courtships, and nights under the moon, and a worn-out cassette tape with Michael Jackson’s records, torn flower beds, the birth of children, the delight of branded borscht, a trip to the sea... Then sleepless nights, worries, fears, vanity, but already unpleasant.

Divorce: how to start a new life

If in Europe and the USA a woman decides long ago what she needs and when, then our post-Soviet society is only getting closer to this. A woman who is divorced and also has children is not at all flattering: she is abandoned, not needed by anyone, thinks only about herself, with her offspring, and so on. If a woman manages to find a life partner, then they say about her again: he took her with an additional weight, she was lucky, she got married again.

As numerous studies have shown, in fact, this opinion is exclusively a female opinion. It is usually associated with ordinary envy and anger. One of the women tolerates a tyrant husband and is afraid to leave him, another, after a divorce, bears the children alone and is suing the alimony provider, the third was abandoned by her husband.

Men have a positive attitude towards divorced women. In most cases, men consider such women to be sexy, self-sufficient, and independent. The presence of children, on the contrary, indicates good spiritual feminine qualities. Therefore, more often men marry women with children than women marry men with fathers.

But there are also exceptions. Not all men are ready to marry a woman who has children. Someone doesn’t want to raise and support someone else’s child, someone thinks that a woman is not serious if she couldn’t save her old family, and someone is simply afraid that she won’t be able to accept and love her step-child. But in general, men marry such women, get along well with their children and even replace their fathers.

Therefore, if you don’t know how to get married with a child after a divorce, don’t worry. Happiness will definitely find you if you make every effort.

This is probably the most important point. Before you think about how to get married with two children, you need to worry about how to improve the relationship between them and your new husband, who has become their stepfather. In this case, everything is only in the hands of the woman. Even if not immediately, but over time, the relationship between the stepfather and the child will improve. To do this, you need to follow the rules every day:

1. You should always speak positively about both your ex and your current husband. Criticism of the ex-husband will lead to the child becoming angry with the stepfather, considering him to be to blame for everything.
2. Any conflicts and quarrels with a partner should not be shown to children. This will be perceived as a personal insult, an insult and will not be forgiven.
3. If a man loves and does happy woman, then the child feels this and gradually develops trust and a positive disposition towards the stepfather.

How a stepfather should behave:

• do not show your irritation;
• don't take it out Bad mood;
• lead by example;
• do not criticize, do not make comments;
• talk heart to heart, support;
• to defend before others;
• spend a lot of time together in leisure;
• take an interest in school and personal affairs;
• do not turn against your own father.

It can be especially difficult when it comes to teenagers, in which case jealousy is mixed with youthful maximalism and protest can be expressed in the most complex forms.

We must remember that it is easier for adults to cope with any changes than for children. The child's psyche is susceptible to stress and anxiety, so all that is required from parents at such a difficult moment: patience, care, love and understanding. Don't forget that you, adults, are much wiser than the child and must be subtle psychologists to find the key to the child's soul.

Divorce is always a stressful situation, even if it is the result of many years of discontent and was predictable. If the proposal to separate comes unexpectedly, then this is double stress. Under such circumstances, people lose the meaning of life.

But it also happens that people get divorced because this is the only way out of a difficult life situation.

Of course, there is life after divorce, but different people They make various efforts to move on with their lives.

– Often after a divorce, one or both spouses have thoughts about getting closer. Can new intimacy after divorce give people what they are looking for in marriage?

– In such an area as human relations there cannot be a universal answer. Each time you need to look at the situation.

Let's say a person gets divorced and lives for several months without his ex-wife.

How to choose the right man

Of course, when trying to arrange your personal life, do not forget that you are also organizing the lives of your children. It is very important that your chosen one and they find common language, got along with each other. There are many examples where an unsuccessful second marriage negatively affects a child’s psyche and health. Therefore, you should be wise when choosing a life partner. This time you need to think not only about your own feelings, but also about more practical things. Please note the following points:

1. How does a man treat children? Some people don't like children in general and shouldn't be around them, especially as parents. Observe whether the man is interested in your son or daughter, how he communicates with them.
2. How are the children feeling? Divorce is hard on a child's psyche, but remarriage it may be even more difficult. Most children feel jealous when their mom or dad finds another partner, and they are often afraid of losing their parent to that person. Sometimes children behave coldly towards their mother's new husband out of solidarity with their own father. These are completely normal emotions and can be overcome through peaceful communication. Don't rush to get married if your son or daughter is against it. First, improve the relationship between them and your chosen one. Otherwise they will wait for you big problems, and you risk losing either your loved one or your own child forever.
3. Consider what level of responsibility you expect from your new husband. Perhaps he is ready to become a father to your children and solve all their problems. But maybe the man will simply become their friend and stay away from their upbringing. Understand right away how the situation will develop so that you don’t get disappointed later and don’t make unrealistic demands.
4. The man next to you must understand that you will have to communicate with ex-husband. There should be no jealousy, suspicion or misunderstanding. Find this out all at once with your new partner.

Divorce is a difficult time for both spouses. Standing on the verge of family collapse, everyone is in a whirlpool negative emotions and grievances, many questions arise about the correctness of the step taken. If the initiator of the separation was a woman, when the bridges have already been burned, doubts arise, because no matter how much we talk about gender equality in our society, in most cases, all responsibility for children born in a broken marriage now falls on her shoulders. Is there life with a child after divorce?

Psychologists say that the first feeling that hits you after leaving the courtroom is not relief and hope for something bright, but hopelessness and emptiness, even if the husband has long been unloved, the accomplished fact does not bring relief. You have to forcefully smile at the children and pretend that you are absolutely sure that the best is yet to come! So it will be if the first steps turn out to be correct. Specialists in interpersonal relationships offer recommendations to a young mother on how to survive a divorce as a woman left with a child; they can safely be called a guide to “rebirth from the ashes.”

Put your life on pause

This does not mean that you need to stop and withdraw into yourself. Emotionality is inherent in a woman by nature, and after experiencing stress, feelings go off scale and it is difficult to cope with them. A strong resentment towards your husband can push you to want to change your job, apartment, and even life itself. Yesterday's wife sells her home, takes the child and moves away. She proved to her ex that she can now make decisions on her own, but then what?

No work, no home, no support, you have to start all over again in a new place. How to live alone with a child after divorce? Do you like to overcome difficulties? Well done. How is it for the baby? His usual little world is destroyed. He saw his dad every day, played with his favorite toys, and talked with friends. Radical changes can become too heavy a burden for your baby’s fragile psyche.

While you have not yet come to your senses, do not make any fateful decisions. Do your daily work, take care of your children, spend more time in nature. It will take three months to restore peace of mind and get used to the new life. Only when the brain and psyche can adequately assess the situation can any important actions be taken.

From the depths up

As with any psychological crisis, you will have to go through five stages, and the first days after divorce will not be the most difficult. The two initial stages - shock and anger - are most filled with negative emotions. Sometimes the pain becomes unbearable, moving from moral to physical.

It's like you're being sucked into a whirlpool. You need to fall to the bottom to push off. You cannot completely succumb to your feelings, the baby requires care and attention, this complicates the situation even more, but it also becomes a plus; responsibility for the fate of your son or daughter does not allow you to completely fall apart.

At the next two stages - bargaining and awareness, feelings are released a little, and the mind gets to work. The central stage of a crisis state, bargaining, is dangerous. A woman is ready to make any sacrifice just to return the precarious status quo. The bitterness of grievances pales before the realization of the fact - the old life no longer exists.

Understanding what stage of personal crisis you are at is already half the way to success. You can’t immediately find yourself at the final stage of accepting the situation after a shock. How long it takes you to recover is up to you.

Allow yourself to be weak

If you spend 24 hours a day grieving about what happened, you may actually believe that you are unhappy. Do not engage in self-destruction, drive away sad thoughts. Make a personal agreement - you will allow yourself to cry and even cry out loud for just one hour a week. Women's tears are an amazing thing; when they dry, they take away the darkness and, like the wind, dispel the clouds.

The deferment method will help you focus on everyday problems. The most important thing is that you have a meaning in life - your child, who needs your love now more than ever.

Health comes first

How to live after a divorce for a woman with a child? Your baby needs a healthy mother; together you have a long, sometimes very difficult journey ahead of you. To provide for your small family, you will have to work a lot, but where will you get the strength for this? Right! Take good care of your body.

Active recreation. Walks. Positive emotions. Don't have enough money for a gym membership? Go to the park, to the forest, to the playground. Going to the pool together is a great idea! You will teach your baby to swim, and he will proudly tell his relatives and friends about his achievements.

To achieve a positive balance, pamper yourself. A cloud of the hormone of happiness will cover you completely. After your baby has fallen asleep, take 15 minutes and relax after a hard day, it will be a bath with aroma oil, a favorite book, aromatic tea in silence, a hair or face mask, it doesn’t matter. The main thing is that you are alive, and your soul doesn’t hurt so much anymore.

This is not your war

No matter what your ex-husband says to mutual acquaintances, no matter how hard he tries to hurt your pride during meetings, do not stoop to a showdown. Emotions are now overwhelming both, and a calm conversation will not work. Time will pass, the intensity will subside a little, and the rudeness and insults thrown in the altercation will remain in the memory as bitter drops. This is not your war! But exhorting and placing a white handkerchief on the ground to stop the fighting is still useless. Time, contrary to popular belief, does not heal, it only reduces the degree of emotions.

No discussions of the vile qualities of your spouse and your own grievances with your friends; do not waste energy discussing the negative qualities of your spouse. Don't force yourself to relive that nightmare. Strive and move forward.

How to live after divorce with one or two children? Try to maintain normal relationships. You are parents, and you will inevitably have to communicate, but don’t cross to the other side of the street when you meet. Don’t tear your little heart apart with stupid questions: “who do you love more?” Some ex-spouses not only jointly organize birthday parties for their children, but also visit theaters, exhibitions, and even go on vacation in the same company.

Create a comfort zone for children

Children are sensitive to emotional background around. If mom is depressed, often wipes away her tears, and dad doesn’t come, this is the collapse of the world. It is difficult for a child to cope with inexplicable anxiety; he becomes capricious or becomes silent.

Try to explain to the little man that everything cannot remain the same, but this is not his fault, it is you, the adults, who were unable to agree. Dad, despite the fact that he does not live in the same house with you, will still be nearby. No matter how much you would like to follow your emotions and say nasty things about your ex-husband, for the sake of your children’s health, don’t do it.

Don’t ignore the kids’ questions and requests, support them, praise them for successes, and gently reprimand them for their mistakes. Peace and prosperity should reign in your little family.

Time will put everything in its place, but for now the children should feel protected, on both sides. Convince your children that everything will be fine, but first, believe in it yourself.

What not to do

Do not divide the child, do not forbid him to communicate with his father. It is an unforgivable mistake when parents decide to communicate with their children through the courts. This is unbearable for a child. Moreover, do not bring the situation to the point of absurdity by allowing communication only in your presence.

The Lord created a woman as a generous and understanding being. If your ex-husband wants to invite children to a new family, do not interfere. There are many examples when children from the previous and new families turned out to be the closest friends, and subsequently thanked fate for providing a chance to get to know each other.

Is it worth returning what was lost?

After living a little apart from their family, looking among the girls for a replacement for their beloved, some men realize that they have made a mistake and begin to try again to win the heart of their ex-wife. A new round of relationships, a candy-bouquet period, courtship, vows and promises can melt the hearts of the most persistent.

Does it make sense to return? If your child's father is responsible, intelligent, deprived bad habits, why not? No one is immune from mistakes. You cannot give advice in matters concerning feelings. Listen to your heart, only it will give the right answer.

Conclusion: living with a child after a divorce from your husband is difficult, but possible. No matter what trials one would have to go through, from the height of acquired experience and wisdom it is obvious that if there is no desire for mutual understanding in the family, it was necessary to get a divorce.

Divorce from a husband, and even more so when there are children in the family, is a severe emotional shock. But even in the most emergency situations, in order not to cause trouble and emerge victorious from the situation, it is very important to remain calm. In this article we present 10 valuable advice psychologists who can help a woman with children survive a divorce safely.

In a divorce situation, you should first take care of yourself, and then the children. This is in no way selfishness, but a common sense approach to resolving the problem. Only by normalizing your psychological and mental balance can you adequately perceive the world around us. Believe me, first of all, children want to see their mother happy and smiling, and not a tearful and depressed victim mother with dark circles under her eyes.

Understand and accept what is happening to you

According to psychologists, the feelings experienced during divorce are similar to those experienced during loss. loved one. A woman experiences the same palette of feelings, in the same sequence:

The main thing is to recover from the shock.

1. State of shock - the mind refuses to believe in what is happening.

2. Then comes anger, hatred and anger, attacks of uncontrollable aggression.

3. As soon as the second stage passes, the woman makes attempts to return her beloved, and by any means.

4. At this stage, awareness of what happened comes, which often leads to apathy and depression.

5. The final stage is the acceptance of the situation when a woman understands the inevitability of divorce, comes to terms with reality and thinks about how to live further.

First you need to figure out at what stage at the moment where you are, what you feel and what emotions you experience. This seemingly insignificant step is a big internal progress.

Take a break

The most difficult period after a divorce, called the “shock phase,” lasts about 2-3 months. This time is dangerous because you can make a bunch of mistakes that a person will later regret.

Take a break.

Therefore, in order to prevent this from happening, you should give yourself a time-out. At this time, you cannot make any decisions, much less act. You need to give your psyche and brain time to stabilize, and only then think rationally and carefully.

Try to control your negativity

It is normal to experience a bunch of negative emotions during a divorce, and you should not try to suppress it within yourself and pretend that everything is fine. You need to let your psyche survive best period life, but do it right.

Let's dose out the negative.

You shouldn't grieve around the clock - learn to manage your emotions. The technique of suffering over time works well. Give yourself a few hours a week to immerse yourself in all your experiences, cry and completely give in to your emotions. But as soon as the time is up, return to normal life.

Bring yourself back to the “here and now”

To make emotional distress easier, it is useful to return yourself to the “here and now” state. As soon as a wave of worries comes, look around and think about what is happening at the moment - how the sun is shining, how the leaves are growing on the trees, how the birds are flying - this will distract the brain. Think about the fact that there is no past and future - there is only the present, the current moment in time. As practice shows, this is very effective technique, which quickly relieves internal tension.

Don't be afraid to ask for help

Don't be afraid to ask for help.

Despite the fact that women are naturally weak creatures, it is difficult for them to ask for help and they are ashamed to appear unsuccessful. This is a big mistake that can lead to nervous breakdowns. Therefore, you should not play the role of a mother-heroine and carry all the problems on your fragile shoulders. Do not hesitate to ask for help from acquaintances, relatives and friends. For most people close to you, it will definitely not be a problem to help you, for example, in everyday matters.

Think about your health

When psychological health is at risk, physical health can come to the rescue.

Therefore, try to adjust your work and rest schedule, go to proper nutrition and take care of your body - walk more often, sign up for a gym or yoga. Physical activity promotes the production of joy hormones, which means stress will be experienced easier.

Give permission and promise yourself pleasure

Write down on paper everything that brings you pleasure - handicrafts, watching movies, going to cafes with friends, sleeping, cosmetics, shopping, aromatic coffee or something else. It doesn’t matter what it is, the main thing is that it always makes you happy.

Let the coffee always be hot, your soul happy, and the day warm and sunny

Then make a contract with yourself that at least once a week you will give yourself at least one item from the above. The main thing is to keep your promise and not look for reasons why it is impossible to do so.

Now that your own condition has stabilized, take action to help your children.

Do not try to turn the child against the father

The child’s psychology is structured in such a way that they perceive themselves as 50% mom, 50% dad, so if you tell them that their father is a nonentity, dishonest and generally wack, they will apply all these words to themselves as at least half.
All the bad things you direct at your ex are automatically directed at your children.

And don’t turn the child against the father.

The child cannot separate himself from his father, and at the same time he develops great desire to please his mother - this gives rise to an internal conflict in him, which in most cases leads to very bad consequences. Remember that the divorce is between you and your husband, he is a stranger to you, but for the children you still remain your beloved mom and dad.

Tell your children they are not to blame for your divorce.

For any child, the divorce of their parents is akin to a universal catastrophe, and they shift all the blame onto themselves. You shouldn’t think that everything will go away by itself, that there’s nothing wrong with it - be sure to talk with your child about what he thinks and about his experiences. In conversations, be sure to emphasize that what is happening is not their fault.

Create emotional safety for children

Children see and perceive the world around them through the reactions of their parents. It is by the reaction of adults that they judge the scale and seriousness of changes in their lives. If irritated, aggressive or apathetic parents walk in front of them, this will lead the child to depression. In his head, the thought process develops in the style of “if mom is feeling bad, then the situation is insoluble and will never be good again.”

Emotional

Therefore, it is so important to appear in high spirits in front of your child, not to shout or quarrel with your ex-husband, to organize holidays and fun walks for your child more often, and to behave calmly. Let your child know that everything is fine, and to make your words sound convincing, believe in them yourself.

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